Yes, I said it out loud....and I mean it. I don't want to be angry but I am. I know that Tessa is gone. I also know that there are MANY people out there that have children that shouldn't. They burn, beat, and abuse beautiful children that each and everyone of us would give anything for. Yet we are told to have faith...to worship....I can't do this right now. I have tried to do right. I have tried to pray....I think my breath is being wasted. I don't think my prayers go any higher than the ceiling. Our minister told me, "you are God's child too." My question is, why is He letting me hurt? Why does he let all of you hurt? Why does he let people keep abusing children? Why do we have to have faith if this is what happens? If He wants me to pray to him, worship him, and do for him, then I need something to make my hurt stop. If I can never have a child, then at the VERY LEAST He could make the pain less harsh, right? If my child were suffering I would do EVERYTHING in my power to lessen the hurt. God can do ANYTHING and to me, he has NOT lessen'd this pain. I am His child and he is allowing this pain and suffering...he is allowing me to question ALL that I have ever loved and believed. So, the ball is in his court....give me a child to raise...doesn't have to be my dna...OR give me an answer OR lessen the pain. Be a parent. Be a Father.
So, God, if you are hearing this, I am telling you that I am hurting. I am telling you that until you ACT like a good, loving parent I won't act like a good, loving child. I have given all I can....I believe in You but I am hurt and very disappointed by You. You do not get my praise, song, or faith right now. If you want me to change, show me how. I love You. I do not like You much right now. If this is a lesson that I am supposed to learn then please tell me what I did wrong and I will do the best I can to make it right. Punishing and hurting someone and they not knowing what they did wrong is wrong in itself. It says in the bible that You see the sparrows fall and You count the hairs on our heads. Can you please stop doing that and please heal our hearts and bodies? Please?