Yes, I said it out loud....and I mean it. I don't want to be angry but I am. I know that Tessa is gone. I also know that there are MANY people out there that have children that shouldn't. They burn, beat, and abuse beautiful children that each and everyone of us would give anything for. Yet we are told to have faith...to worship....I can't do this right now. I have tried to do right. I have tried to pray....I think my breath is being wasted. I don't think my prayers go any higher than the ceiling. Our minister told me, "you are God's child too." My question is, why is He letting me hurt? Why does he let all of you hurt? Why does he let people keep abusing children? Why do we have to have faith if this is what happens? If He wants me to pray to him, worship him, and do for him, then I need something to make my hurt stop. If I can never have a child, then at the VERY LEAST He could make the pain less harsh, right? If my child were suffering I would do EVERYTHING in my power to lessen the hurt. God can do ANYTHING and to me, he has NOT lessen'd this pain. I am His child and he is allowing this pain and suffering...he is allowing me to question ALL that I have ever loved and believed. So, the ball is in his court....give me a child to raise...doesn't have to be my dna...OR give me an answer OR lessen the pain. Be a parent. Be a Father.
So, God, if you are hearing this, I am telling you that I am hurting. I am telling you that until you ACT like a good, loving parent I won't act like a good, loving child. I have given all I can....I believe in You but I am hurt and very disappointed by You. You do not get my praise, song, or faith right now. If you want me to change, show me how. I love You. I do not like You much right now. If this is a lesson that I am supposed to learn then please tell me what I did wrong and I will do the best I can to make it right. Punishing and hurting someone and they not knowing what they did wrong is wrong in itself. It says in the bible that You see the sparrows fall and You count the hairs on our heads. Can you please stop doing that and please heal our hearts and bodies? Please?
I wish i knew what to say to you and i wish i had some answers. All i know is that we must take lessons from everything in life that happens. I dont know why my baby had to die either and it hurts so much, but there must be something to take from it. Some lesson to learn, otherwise He simply wouldnt let it happen.
My medium told me that Zane will have known that he wasnt going to stay on earth before he came here, so the same may be said for Tessa too. These children choose us to spend their brief time with and it's not for us to know why they had to leave until we pass over and see them again, which we will.
I dont know any inspirational quotes from the bible as i've never studied it. I know practically nothing about the theoretical side of things at all, but i just know that i believe. Even more so since i lost Zane.
He will heal you, with time he will heal us all. Please dont loose faith honey. Be angry, be sad and keep telling Him how you feel though because it's all part of coming to terms with your loss.
I'll Love You Forever, I'll Like You For Always, As Long As I'm Living, My Baby You'll Be
I don't know much more than Sarah, but I am so sorry. I still get so angry. I wonder all the time why He made Mikey to have his disabilities too. It sometimes jsut infuriates me. I hate hearing that I am only given what I can handle blah blah blah. I have had enough & want it to stop too.
I get so angry when I hear about babies being thrown away and all the rest you mentioned.
I can see the pain in every line of your post, and it just makes me hurt for you. I think you're right to not hide or run away from your feelings. I wasn't as far along in my pregnancy, and maybe that's helped me some. Here are some things I try to focus on when I get overwhelmed by grief or anger, etc.
God is holy. (He's wiser than us, He's perfect, even though we don't understand sometimes, He can do no wrong)
God loves and knows us completely. (even when it doesn't feel like it, even when we feel like we've been rejected... no one is willing to die for something or someone unless they love it.)
He lost a child, too. (and watched him die. He could have stopped it, too, but what a mess we'd be in if Jesus hadn't died!).
When something doesn't make sense to me, it usually helps to remember that God wants the best for me and often makes it happen. For example, I was about to marry the WRONG person and God ended the relationship (not me). But this guy broke my heart, and it took me four months to feel *almost* normal again. Even though losing a baby is NOWHERE near the pain of losing a relationship, I felt many of the feelings you shared. I felt like God rejected me, that everyone else had it easier, etc. But now that I look back, I see that it was really the best for me even though it hurt so much.
I don't think you're being punished. You may never know the reason why this happened. Sorry to be so 'religious' and I hope no one is offended... I highly recommend C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed." He wrote it after his wife died, but it really helps with grief of all kinds. I'll be praying for you.
I just want to be a mother...like all of you do. Maybe I am wrong for saying this but I am very close to being desperate.
God is supposed to comfort, right? Where is that in all of this? I truly realize that I may get an answer that I do not want...Like, you will never get to mother/parent a child. I get that. But where is the comfort for the hurt. I have opened myself up for it, I have prayed for it, I turned it all over to him and you know what? I am hurting. I am raw. I feel dead inside.
I know it's different for everyone, but i'd like to share what i take comfort in.
The time i had with Zane was the most amazing time in my life. When he was here he made me the happiest person alive. We made him and although he had to leave us he existed and he is waiting for us. When i get upset i try to be thankful that he even came to us at all.
I have gotten to a point that when I think of my pregnancy I remember it as the happiest, most joyful time. Those weeks were like falling in love X 100. It is hard to explain....it is love but not the same kind of love you have for your spouse, sibling, family, parents, or friends...it is so incredible. I miss it. I would be 31 weeks today.
Oh sweety, I wish I could help you. I wish I could say something that made everything better for you and everyone. I feel your anger and your pain. I have been there too. We are told that everything happens "for a reason." I wish He would tell us WTF the reason was. We have been taught that He does not give us more "then we can bear." I know at times it feels like we have the weight of the world on us and we are just handed more. But, just hold on to your faith. (Though you can still be angry.) Sometimes, it is the only thing to hang on to in this crazy world.