I'm having a horrible day ladies... god all of a sudden this whole thing is hitting me like a ton of bricks today. I feel like my whole world is caving in, on top of the impending m/c, I have all this other crap going wrong in my life. God it's hard to keep it together sometimes. How can I go from being totally fine one day (burying everything perhaps?) to being a horrible mess the next day? Agh!
That's how we cope with our sorrows. We might have a good day because the people around us help us. We might have a bad day because of something we see/hear/smell makes us think back to that day.
When I miscarried, my DH told me that God wouldn't give more than I couldn't handle. That offered me very little comfort because I was so angry with God. For a long time, I was angry that God gave me a gift, just to take it away.
My boss, who lost a 6 year old Daughter, told me that you get through what you have to get through. She still has her bad days. Here it is, 8 years later, and she still has her angry days. But since then, she adopted another daughter and said that she believes that her deceased daughter helped her to find her adopted daughter. She said that she believes everything that we experience has a purpose. I couldn't imagine what purpose my loss would possibily have. I was bitter and angry. But it actually brought me closer to God and back to my faith. Although, my M/C still hurts, I'm learning how to heal and still move on. Slowly. Very very slowly.
Last edited by LauraT; 03-23-2008 at 12:24 PM.
Reason: to remove signature
I wish that I could tell you that once you have a good day it will be smooth sailing from there on out. Unfortunately it just isn't. We are on an emotional roller coaster that has unexpected and harrowing turns.
I have been told (and am finding true) that the first year is the hardest. The first time you (fill in situation) is always the hardest. It still hurts if it happens again, it just isn't quite the sharp, white hot pain that it was the first time.
I am sorry that you are having such a crappy day. Lots of cyber hugs and a ton of cyber chocolate coming your way.
I am sorry that you had a bad day. We all have some bad days and some good days. We just have to learn to take one day at a time, and hope that someday we will be having more good days than bad days. When we do have bad days, we can always come to this board for support.
I agree with the ladies above -- what you're going through is totally normal, not crazy! There are probably many reasons why pain goes up and down. I agree with the woman above who wrote that we're not given pain that's more than we can handle (though at times I wonder how MUCH God thinks I can handle...but anyway...). So maybe one reason our pain goes up and down is that we're just given a break in between, by nature (or by God, if you're a woman of faith).
TOOL 1 -- THIS BOARD: I also think our pain goes up and down because we have to wear brave 'masks' when we're in such deep grief. When I go to work, or shopping, or seeing friends, etc I have to wear this mask -- I have to act like I'm okay, for their benefit, which is annoying really but it's just the way life is. For if I don't have the mask on, and let them know the depth of my grief -- well, no matter how loving they are, nobody in my life -- outside of this board here --"gets it": they don't understand what this grief feels like-- I think you can only really understand if you have 'been there', like we all have. This board is MY healing community -- where I never have to wear that 'mask': where I can be 'real', where I can vent, and where my experience can perhaps bring some comfort, hope and support to others.
Wearing a 'mask' takes so much energy and effort -- so maybe the very stress of having to wear a mask contributes to having sometimes good and sometimes bad days too: the pressure becomes too much, so we kind of 'break down' (the body and mind need to rest and even themselves out). We can't do anything about the outside world and its impacts upon us, but what we CAN do is balance things out by being 'real' in a safe place like this board. So please visit this board often, and keep writing in!
TOOLS 2 & 3 -- DEEP BREATHING AND A SOOTHING IMAGE: Pain tends to comes in 'waves': good moments and bad ones, up and down. And when our pain is triggered by something we see, hear, smell, or even just think about, it becomes acute pain -- it builds up like the crest of a big wave, just before that wave comes crashing down and rolls to the shore. Our pain is like this too -- it also goes down again too (though it often tales a while).
I hope this is helpful (it sure helps me and other people I have shared this idea with): when I'm in pain of any kind, I close my eyes and picture an ocean beach, focussing on the surf. I keep my eyes closed and breath deeply in and out, while (in my imagination) I watch the waves roll in, build up, and then crash down. Then I picture my pain doing the same thing -- I sort of visualise my pain filling up a big wave -- and then crash down. I keep my eyes closed, breathing deeply and steadily, and imagine my 'pain waves' crashing over and over. I do this for a few minutes, until I find I have relaxed enough. It usually only takes a few minutes. Then I open my eyes and get on with my day.
Pain really is like a wave -- it's never constant. It has its ups and downs. I lost our last angel baby, Kim, some time ago (Dec. 2005) -- so I am glad I can share with you that it really WILL get better. My times of pain (over losing our angel babies) are less, and less, and less -- DH and I will never forget our babies, and will always hold them tightly in our hearts -- but the pain has greatly diminished. And this will happen for you too.
Please keep visiting this board and writing in. We're here for you and we care.
Great big cyber hugs to you,
"Life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% of how I react to it"
-- brilliant, and from a fortune cookie!
Thanks so much everyone, I really can't believe the range of emotions I go through, sometimes within minutes of each other. I seriously feel schizophrenic sometimes.
It's good to know we're all experiencing that to some extent.
Nicole - that "mask" analogy you touched on is SO true. That must explain why this weekend, after spending an evening with some friends, and a whack of really young kids, and one pregnant woman, why I felt so drained afterwards. It actually hit me a few hours into it, and that is exactly what I was doing - wearing this "I'm ok" mask. But I'm not. Here I am still waiting to m/c (bleeding now, "yay"...), and there are all these happy people around me. And I guess when it got to be too much, that is when I lost it and had to leave. Today is a slightly better day, but man, the triggers are everywhere to make me lose control.