Ok, I know that anger is in the grieving process. I know that I have been so sad, unfocused, and inconsolable since Tessa died. I think it is HUGE that I get up in the mornings, put my clothes on and go to work. I will admit, there have been days that I called in sick, stayed in bed, and cried all day. Before Tess, I NEVER missed work...come hell or high water, I was there. I am the person in our department that knows how to do everyone elses job and can fill in when needed. I have more "Employee of the Month" plaques than anyone there....and not because I have been there for 7 years but because I really give 100%. I have not since the baby died.
So, earlier this week we had a man that works for our company commit suicide. I don't know the circumstances. I didn't even know him very well. I think this has put our HR dept. on the lookout for "fragile" people.
I had a migraine and missed 2 days of work this week. I have missed 6 days since I went back to work after Tessa died. That does not include the time I took off for bereavement. I admit I have missed too much work. Yesterday, one of the "up and coming" new managers sees me have a fit of temper. I (didn't curse) yelled a 2 people that came to my desk saying insensitve things to me about kids. One was a man that is about to have his 4th child. They just found out the baby is going to be a girl....his fourth girl. He was complaining! I told him that I would give ANYTHING to have a girl....my girl...that he was a "stupid moron" for saying something like that around me and to please GET AWAY from me. I thought I was being generous by saying "please" to the asshat. Then, a woman that CRIED her whole pregnancy because she didn't want the baby and had a little girl came in after lunch and showed me all the "great sale" stuff that she got for her baby at Old Navy. She laid the stuff out on MY DESK and was just chattering away about it. I picked it all up, shoved it back in the bag and said, "you need to leave". I didn't scream...like I wanted. So, she told my supervisor, my supervisor basically backed me up. Then today, I get called to our HR dept. and was told that I had to have a doctor fill out some papers saying that I won't hurt anyone or myself before I come back to work. I explained what had happened and the HR lady was nice but said that the company would pay me till the paperwork was filled out but I couldn't work till they were done.
I know that because the man committed suicide earlier this week has made them more watchful. I know that I get upset easily. I know that I have snapped at people (I am NOT SORRY FOR THAT)...but that doesn't make me threatening does it? Also, do they think that having me come to HR and be told that I cannot come back till this is done helps me in any way?
I am so angry....I called my shrink and I can't get in till Monday. I guess I should be glad that they are paying me.
Also, part of my job is to change passwords on different secured areas that lots of the analysts use. I changed them before I left and (oops) I didn't tell them what they are. That will be fun for them Monday until I get there.(not)...uggg, I am so mad.