I am so ANGRY
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Thread: I am so ANGRY

  1. #1
    lisanne
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    Default I am so ANGRY

    Ok, I know that anger is in the grieving process. I know that I have been so sad, unfocused, and inconsolable since Tessa died. I think it is HUGE that I get up in the mornings, put my clothes on and go to work. I will admit, there have been days that I called in sick, stayed in bed, and cried all day. Before Tess, I NEVER missed work...come hell or high water, I was there. I am the person in our department that knows how to do everyone elses job and can fill in when needed. I have more "Employee of the Month" plaques than anyone there....and not because I have been there for 7 years but because I really give 100%. I have not since the baby died.

    So, earlier this week we had a man that works for our company commit suicide. I don't know the circumstances. I didn't even know him very well. I think this has put our HR dept. on the lookout for "fragile" people.

    I had a migraine and missed 2 days of work this week. I have missed 6 days since I went back to work after Tessa died. That does not include the time I took off for bereavement. I admit I have missed too much work. Yesterday, one of the "up and coming" new managers sees me have a fit of temper. I (didn't curse) yelled a 2 people that came to my desk saying insensitve things to me about kids. One was a man that is about to have his 4th child. They just found out the baby is going to be a girl....his fourth girl. He was complaining! I told him that I would give ANYTHING to have a girl....my girl...that he was a "stupid moron" for saying something like that around me and to please GET AWAY from me. I thought I was being generous by saying "please" to the asshat. Then, a woman that CRIED her whole pregnancy because she didn't want the baby and had a little girl came in after lunch and showed me all the "great sale" stuff that she got for her baby at Old Navy. She laid the stuff out on MY DESK and was just chattering away about it. I picked it all up, shoved it back in the bag and said, "you need to leave". I didn't scream...like I wanted. So, she told my supervisor, my supervisor basically backed me up. Then today, I get called to our HR dept. and was told that I had to have a doctor fill out some papers saying that I won't hurt anyone or myself before I come back to work. I explained what had happened and the HR lady was nice but said that the company would pay me till the paperwork was filled out but I couldn't work till they were done.

    I know that because the man committed suicide earlier this week has made them more watchful. I know that I get upset easily. I know that I have snapped at people (I am NOT SORRY FOR THAT)...but that doesn't make me threatening does it? Also, do they think that having me come to HR and be told that I cannot come back till this is done helps me in any way?

    I am so angry....I called my shrink and I can't get in till Monday. I guess I should be glad that they are paying me.

    Also, part of my job is to change passwords on different secured areas that lots of the analysts use. I changed them before I left and (oops) I didn't tell them what they are. That will be fun for them Monday until I get there.(not)...uggg, I am so mad.
    Lisa

  2. #2
    missy8632
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    Lisa,

    I am so very sory you had to face that. I would be angry too. They are just covering their own butts. Your PCP or OB should be able to sign that as well. Hang in there.

    Missy

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    I am sorry Lisa....I can't put into words how badly I feel for you...

    When these people come up to you, and start talking about their kids. Have you thought about just interrupting them and saying, * I'm sorry, but this subject is extremely painful for me to discuss, due to my still mourning the loss of my daughter, I hope you understand??*

    If you don't want to have a face to face with these people. How about sending them an email stating this?? Let them know that when you are ready, they will know, because you will be the one to bring the topic up with them..Just a thought...

    I agree with the pp as well...The company is watching their butt....Always comes down to money

    I know you hate the reason you have to be out of work. That said, try and take advantage of the time you have off....Pamper yourself, you deserve it..

    I am sure your doc will back you 100%. Please keep us posted as to how all turns out?

  4. #4
    Skygirl
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    is that even legal to ask you to get a dr's note? I think they can do that following an absence, but not if your're already back at work.
    If these people know you, and what you've been through, they are complete idiots for thinking you'd be interested in thier child situations. It doesn't matter if they never understand. It's not your job to spell it out to them. Just tell them not to baby talk around you. After one of my first m/c's I quit talking to a girl who was pg. it was so much healthier for me not to hear all the pg symptoms and normal worries.
    In my experience, unless someone is a really really close friend it doesn't matter. When you don't have any kids, and potentially never will (like me), you're going to be extra sensitive. That doesn't mean you have to apologize for your feelings.

    If it was me, I would file a complaint on the coworker who put baby clothes on your desk to HR. that is completely unprofessional. (Also, did she put baby clothes on everyone's desk, including the men, or just pick you?) Are they really trying to pay workers to go around showing off clothes? there must be something you can do to make it a friendly enviroment for you. keep notes of what happened on what days, and witnesses present. My last job was the type that would fire you rather than sort anything out, and you'll need to have records.
    ~Kayah

  5. #5
    Posting Addict ILoveMyMiniMe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skygirll
    is that even legal to ask you to get a dr's note?
    Unfortunately, yes. Now for the to specifically ask for documentation of a specific REASON is illegal - but they Dr. HAS to provide it. Catch 22. Ex. You break a foot and can't do your job. FMLA kicks in, you're off 6 weeks. The job has to have documentation fromyour Dr. that you are safe to come back to work but on the FMLA papers that the job gets, the Dr. has to describe something to the effect that the patient's purpose of a being seen (in this care the broken foot) will not interfere with regular job duties and that the "damage" to the foot is not in jeopardy at this time of further injury. Follow me?
    I think they can do that following an absence, but not if your're already back at work.
    If her jobperformance is lacking or attendance is jeopardized like she has said both have taken a big hit, this could be a step between the current situation and termination. Again, it's covering their hineys..
    If these people know you, and what you've been through, they are complete idiots for thinking you'd be interested in thier child situations. It doesn't matter if they never understand. It's not your job to spell it out to them. Just tell them not to baby talk around you. After one of my first m/c's I quit talking to a girl who was pg. it was so much healthier for me not to hear all the pg symptoms and normal worries.
    In my experience, unless someone is a really really close friend it doesn't matter. When you don't have any kids, and potentially never will (like me), you're going to be extra sensitive. That doesn't mean you have to apologize for your feelings.

    If it was me, I would file a complaint on the coworker who put baby clothes on your desk to HR. that is completely unprofessional. (Also, did she put baby clothes on everyone's desk, including the men, or just pick you?) Are they really trying to pay workers to go around showing off clothes? there must be something you can do to make it a friendly enviroment for you. keep notes of what happened on what days, and witnesses present. My last job was the type that would fire you rather than sort anything out, and you'll need to have records.
    ~Kayah
    I agree that the putting of baby clothes on your desk was a little off, given your state of grieving. Definately TALK to HR about it. I wouldn't run out and file a greviance just b/c you can. It may be something as simple as having HR give her a warning and let her know that it's, like you said, unprofessional to do such things. Although, in most work forces, personal interactions are allowed. Who knows where to draw the line. Working in an all labor manufacturing plant, trust me. Greviances are filed left and right and legally every one of them has to be followed up on. It's not pretty for the people who oare quick to file them. I really do hope the HR rep can provide some additional insight - you don't need to endure any more stress right now.

    Lisa.. I want to say to you that I feel your pain, girl. You KNOW I do.. and I'm with you 1,000% of your journey to working through your angel's passing. And as much as it hurts to hear everyone talk about baby this, baby that.. baby here, baby there, I think that sometimes when we're having a specific troublesome time with something, everytime we hear it, it's magnified. Please honey, don't think that people are out to upset you more or that they're talking about the baby-related topics around you on purpose. I'm soooo sorry you're still hurting so badly.. I truly wish there was something I could do for you!! There will never be complete closure on the loss of such a precious life.. but believe, my friend, it will with time become less painful..

    You have been in my thoughts and prayers for many weeks and will continue to be in them while your heavy heart heals.. Again, if there's anything I can help you with, let me know..

    (tee hee hee on the PW changing.. go girl )

  6. #6
    Skygirl
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    Quote Originally Posted by ILoveMyMiniMe

    I agree that the putting of baby clothes on your desk was a little off, given your state of grieving. Definately TALK to HR about it. I wouldn't run out and file a greviance just b/c you can. It may be something as simple as having HR give her a warning and let her know that it's, like you said, unprofessional to do such things. Although, in most work forces, personal interactions are allowed. Who knows where to draw the line. Working in an all labor manufacturing plant, trust me. Greviances are filed left and right and legally every one of them has to be followed up on. It's not pretty for the people who oare quick to file them. I really do hope the HR rep can provide some additional insight - you don't need to endure any more stress right now.
    Sorry, I'm not trying to make an issue out of this, and yet, it does depend on what kind of company you're dealing with. In a perfect America this wouldn't happen, and HR would really follow up if it did. Many companies do not follow the rules, and workers are left with no recourse, and terminated without reason or notice. I am only suggesting to "cover your butt" (and not start a retaliation war.) I agree, "It may be something as simple as having HR give her a warning and let her know that it's, like you said, unprofessional to do such things." which is what I meant by a grievance. Depending on how that paticular company handles it.

    I may be overprotective of my dear friend, but I have seen enough good people walked on because they didn't know how to stand up for themselves.

  7. #7
    lisanne
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    Thank you all for your replies. I don't know how I would have made it thru most days if it were not for you ladies. I mean that.

    I don't want to file any type of grievance. I just don't want to lose my job or be looked at like the "crazy woman who's baby died".

    I know that people don't talk about pregnancy, babies, maternity stuff, or parenting to hurt me. I know that the world didn't stop because Tess died....but MY world did stop. I also know that I work at a business and they have to cover their butts.

    I do feel that HR is on my side. The HR manager came to Tessa's funeral. She calls or emails me to see how I am doing. She brought food to our house a week after the funeral. She is a good person. She called me yesterday to see if I had gotten the doctors note. When I told her I had an appointment Monday. She told me that the girl that put the baby clothes on my desk was being reprimanded. She said that none of this would have happened if she had had a little couth.

    Sky? Thank you for feeling overprotective and defending me....I used to not be this way. I used to feel strong. I used to be able to stand up and voice myself. ~I~ used to be the one that stood up for others.

    Also, about interupting people and telling them that I am not in a place where I can hold babies, see pictures, look at baby clothes, ect....I try to do that but it seems like either tears or anger takes over and I foul up. I want to find a happy medium. Hell, I just want to be happy again. I don't LIKE feeling like this. I just feel so out of control.
    Lisa

  8. #8
    Posting Addict ILoveMyMiniMe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skygirll
    Quote Originally Posted by ILoveMyMiniMe

    I agree that the putting of baby clothes on your desk was a little off, given your state of grieving. Definately TALK to HR about it. I wouldn't run out and file a greviance just b/c you can. It may be something as simple as having HR give her a warning and let her know that it's, like you said, unprofessional to do such things. Although, in most work forces, personal interactions are allowed. Who knows where to draw the line. Working in an all labor manufacturing plant, trust me. Greviances are filed left and right and legally every one of them has to be followed up on. It's not pretty for the people who oare quick to file them. I really do hope the HR rep can provide some additional insight - you don't need to endure any more stress right now.
    Sorry, I'm not trying to make an issue out of this, and yet, it does depend on what kind of company you're dealing with. In a perfect America this wouldn't happen, and HR would really follow up if it did. Many companies do not follow the rules, and workers are left with no recourse, and terminated without reason or notice. I am only suggesting to "cover your butt" (and not start a retaliation war.) I agree, "It may be something as simple as having HR give her a warning and let her know that it's, like you said, unprofessional to do such things." which is what I meant by a grievance. Depending on how that paticular company handles it.

    I may be overprotective of my dear friend, but I have seen enough good people walked on because they didn't know how to stand up for themselves.
    The red is where it all goes downhill. This isn't, never has been and never will be a "perfect America". I'm being realistic.

    Also, in your original post you said "If it was me, I would file a complaint on the coworker who put baby clothes on your desk to HR." - whether you call it "filing a complaint" or "a greviance" it's still a paper trail of problems when in THIS situation nothing she did was "wrong". Was it insensitive? Unprofessional (like you said)? Rude? ABSOLUTELY! But not "wrong". I doubt there's anything in the work handbook that says you can't talk about personal issues with coworkers - that is no ground to "file a greviance." Filing a greviance is something that should not be taken lightly - did the person ACTUALLY do something wrong? In this case, no. And the "retaliation war" you speak of might ensue. I've seen it one too many times - and have also seen both sides. Where the filings SHOULD have taken place and didn't, and when they were filed for no purposeful reason.

    Trust me! I'm on every one of your's lady's side! Lisa is just as much my friend as anyone elses her to my understanding.. I care about every single one of you all and your loses - we all here hold that bond together and need to work together to stay strong and support each other during the bad - and good - times.

  9. #9
    Posting Addict ILoveMyMiniMe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lisanne
    Thank you all for your replies. I don't know how I would have made it thru most days if it were not for you ladies. I mean that.

    I don't want to file any type of grievance. I just don't want to lose my job or be looked at like the "crazy woman who's baby died".
    Don't EVER thikg this!!!!!!! You are NOT crazy.. You are mourning and hurt!!!
    I know that people don't talk about pregnancy, babies, maternity stuff, or parenting to hurt me. I know that the world didn't stop because Tess died....but MY world did stop. I also know that I work at a business and they have to cover their butts.
    It did.. and as it slowly starts to turn again, we're all here to support you as your family and IRL friends are.

    I do feel that HR is on my side. The HR manager came to Tessa's funeral. She calls or emails me to see how I am doing. She brought food to our house a week after the funeral. She is a good person. She called me yesterday to see if I had gotten the doctors note. When I told her I had an appointment Monday. She told me that the girl that put the baby clothes on my desk was being reprimanded. She said that none of this would have happened if she had had a little couth.
    EVERYONE is on your side.. at least everyone, like you said, that has a little couth. Again, I am so very sorry that this "buthana" ( look it up, it's Italian ) was so inconsiderate and I am glad that she is being spoken to about it. It should have never happened to you.

    Sky? Thank you for feeling overprotective and defending me....I used to not be this way. I used to feel strong. I used to be able to stand up and voice myself. ~I~ used to be the one that stood up for others.

    Also, about interupting people and telling them that I am not in a place where I can hold babies, see pictures, look at baby clothes, ect....I try to do that but it seems like either tears or anger takes over and I foul up. I want to find a happy medium. Hell, I just want to be happy again. I don't LIKE feeling like this. I just feel so out of control.
    Lisa
    You will feel like grabbing life by the horns again someday.. I know you will. And even as the steady increase in happiness becomes mor permenant you are going to have those days where you revent back to the pain and hurt for a day or 2. It's normal and you need to allow yourself that time to recompose and keep moving forward. You are a STRONG woman and when you feel like you can't be? We're all here to be the strength for you..

    EDITED - why can't I spell tonight???

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    I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and that you find solace in the pp. Time heals all wounds but sometimes it just takes a while. When people are being stupid around me I just get up and leave. Go for a walk or go see a friend but just get away from the person.

    Vickie

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