I am sooo hurt... (m/c ment, pos pg ment)

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jes23's picture
Joined: 08/08/07
Posts: 36
I am sooo hurt... (m/c ment, pos pg ment)

I am sooo hurt... my husband (not worthy of being a DH at this moment) refused to come with me yesterday to my follow up appointment from my d&c.

Let me start at the beginning...
I desperately need a vacation... after everything that has gone on in the last month I need one soon. I ask my husband where and when can we go somewhere, anywhere. He can't get time off until October and he works every Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon. There goes the idea of a long weekend. He decides that he is going to get a new job and we'll go on vacation in between jobs. He has had no motivation to get a new job and therefore... no vacation...
A couple of my girlfriends and I decided to go away for 4 days. I told him... I knew he was upset, but he said ok.

So yesterday he decides that he is so angry that I am going away without him that he acts as if he doesn't want to come with to the appointment that we set up together.

I tell him that I really NEED him there (In tears of course). I didn't wanna go alone. I told him I need him there, but I don't want him to be a prick.

He starts yelling and screaming... I start crying and yelling...

I went alone... I found out we lost a son alone... I listened to her run thru my tests alone...

I've never felt sooo alone as I did yesterday...

He's very apologetic today... but I just don't know... I needed him more than anything... my husband... my partner...

To top things off... I ovulated several days ago... we weren't careful at all... and the doc ran all my tests (the ones done at 8 wks after m/c) because she thinks that there is a strong posibility that I got myself pregnant again.

M/C, pos divorce, and pos pg?

Sorry sooooo long... I just need to know if I forgive him or not? (Plus it's my birthday tomorrow and we were supposed to have plans)

vbear's picture
Joined: 01/22/05
Posts: 83

I know it hurt that he wouldn't go with you and you have every right to be upset but try not to make any decisions about your marriage while you are in the fragile state you are in right now.Sit down with hi,and tell him how he made you feel and what you need from him.He might just surprise you.I think a loss is hard on them too,they just don't know how to react to it and close themselves off.Try not to be too hard on yourself if you are preg again.It might be scary,but just wait on the tests and talk to DH and go from there.And if you need to vent ,come here and vent.

lexirunner's picture
Joined: 05/10/06
Posts: 460

I agree with vbear... don't make any major decisions about your marriage right at this moment. I too was really hurt that DH didn't go to my follow up appointment with me. Although it was my fault he didn't realize how much I needed him there, because I didn't tell him. Later I broke down in tears and told him, but I still didn't understand how he thought I wouldn't NEED him there. Anyways, we got through it, and are perfectly fine now. Just take some time, and tell him how it made you feel and talk it out.

Joined: 11/30/07
Posts: 117

Im so sorry hun. Im sorry you have to go through this. IMHO though, I think this is all still part of the grieving process. With regards to the needing a vacation, I have felt this way too. I was desperate to get away, so we did this weekend. I think it made me realise that I needed a vacation cause I was trying to run away from myself (if that makes sense?) My first reaction when I heard the news was that I needed to get away, what I really needed to get away from was the hurt, anger, and upset. Unfortunately all of that came with me. Dont get me wrong, I did enjoy my vacation, but when I got home, I felt no different cause its not home I need to be away from, its me!!! Im tired of me and my hurt and frustration.

Im so sorry about your DH, it really sounds as though things just got out of hand and you both did not know how to react. I would definitely be very hurt by this too. But the sad fact is that they just dont feel it the way we do. My DH is the same, wondering why I am not over it yet (I dont think we will every e over it) I wonder whether baby was a boy or girl etc, I dont think he even considers it. Men dont understand well enough, and dont think like us. I agree with pp that while you are in a fragile state, dont make any rash decsions. So far in my grief, I have been going to get a divorce, fell out with all my family, decided I wanted to emigrate to Australia, the list goes on. Of course I am not going to do these things, its just another example of how I feel like getting away from myself and my pain. I think you have every right to be mad with DH, let him know exactly how mad and hurt you are, then see how you feel when you have calmed down. Hugs

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

:bigarmhug:

It is a very stressful time right now for you and your husband. He is grieving too and it sounds like he is taking out his anger on you. If he is unable to get away with you then continue to go with your friends. He may get angry but this is what you need. Keep in mind that getting away may or may not help your state of mind. The fact still remains that you lost your son and you and DH are having a hard time connecting. Give it time and hopefully you will find your way back.

Antionette

Lily Maria Kathleen :angel1: August 10, 2007

Michelleey's picture
Joined: 06/05/06
Posts: 113

i completely agree with vbear, men don't know how to deal with this stuff. Most people console the woman because it is her body that is going through the ordeal, but don't realize that it was the mans baby too, and that he can be just as sad, but doesn't express it in the same way. I know my DH won't show any emotion to me about it because he doesn't want to upset me further, and guys deal with things in different ways then women, your DH is probably anger. but like the PP said, don't make any decisions about your future while you are fragile and still very upset, crisis can do terrible things to a couple, but if you wait until you are both stronger I know you will be able to get through this. Good luck with everything and know we are always here for you.

Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 4

Men are very, very clueless around pregnancy issues. My DH actually had the nerve to tell me that the baby doesn't seem alive to him until he actually HOLDS the baby. I thumped him on the head for that one - he totally deserved it.

I wouldn't make any decisions on the marriage based on him flaking out on you this time. It's a rough period for you, and for him. I would suggest sitting down with him and talking it through later when you have both calmed down a bit. Explain to him how you felt; ask him how he felt; and come to an agreement on how to handle situations like this in the future. A falling out like this can be the basis for divorce, but it can also be the basis for growing closer together as a couple after working through issues in the marriage.

Hugs to you!

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I think that everyone before me has summed it up pretty well. I am assuming that he knew the tests that were done and therefore knew that finding out the gender was a possibility. I am not excusing his not being there in any way, but could he have used your trip as an excuse to not go so that he wouldn't break down in front of you? A lot of men would rather have you mad at them than to have you see them in what they consider a state of weakness. I am so very sorry that you had to go through all of that alone and I am sorry for the loss of your son. Please do not cancel the trip with your friends. If you feel that is what you need, then you really should go. I wish you nothing but the best.

Shelly

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so sorry you had to go to your appointment alone. All of this just sucks so bad and I wish that we could all snap our fingers and we would all wake up from our nightmares.
I agree with the pp to not make any big decisions right now. Hang in there and try to enjoy your girls weekend. It may be just what you need. I really like what Shelly wrote that sometimes it is easier for our husbands to be really angry and fight with us than to show us ANY emotion or any sign of weakness. This isn't an excuse for their behavior, but it might help you understand where it's coming from.
Let us know how your weekend went if you can.
:bigarmhug: Kendall