My name is Asha and I am a mom to 9 living children and 1 Baby Angel.
I was posting on Sept 2010 Board. Two days ago, On Thursday April 22 we had our anatomy scan scheduled. I was 18 weeks 2 days. When the tech started the U/S, we were so excited. I wanted to know if the baby was a girl or a boy. It never gets boring-those scans.
The lady started with placenta shots and as I was looking at the screen I kept waiting for a little foot to kick through. There was no kicking though. I thought that we sure have a calm baby... after minutes though, I realized that she isn't moving onto the baby's body and there was no heartbeat to be heard... I had this lump in my throat I was so scared, but I didn't ask her anything. Then she turned off the screen and told me to walk to the room next door. I lost it then. I told her : " There is no baby, there is no baby in there!" She said : " I didn't tell you this"
This was supposed to be a fun ultrasound where we find out if we are having a son or daughter , not this!
We went to the next room and the doctor met with us. I am so glad we didn't have our kids there!
He said that the baby passed at about 14 weeks. About a month ago. I had no spotting, no cramps, no signs.
He told us that I could let it happen naturally or have a D&C.
I wanted so badly to meet my baby, to see her ( I believe it was a girl) .. but as it happens with a big family, we had huge plans for this weekend. My son had a first communion on Saturday ( today) and my oldest has a sleepover B-day party from Saturday to Sunday. I couldn't risk not being there for one of these or both.
So I decided to have the D&C. I had it yesterday.
It was easy, really. I didn't feel anything, don't remember it. I had some cramping, but I feel much better.
The thing that I am struggling with is anger. I don't know why i am so irritable today. I want to cry all day, but there is no time for it. Not yet.
I named my baby Emma. I bought a flower for her a Peony and I will plant it tomorrow.
What makes me angry, I think is my husband, just got on with his life like " Oh that's sad, can't believe it happened to us, but the doctor said it happens so I guess it happens" I am so angry at that! i need to talk about it with him. I can't just go from planning a summer of pregnancy, planning my birth, looking on craigslist for a swing and a bassinette - to : no baby! "It happens".
I was frantically looking for her U/S photos last night. I stashed them away to keep as a future keepsake. I was going to put them in her baby book which I buy after the 20 weeks scan. She was just a bean of maybe 8 weeks? She had a heartbeat then. She was alive.
I resent that I didn't get to see her, I am sorry that I couldn't miscarry naturally, to feel the pain of this loss. Maybe it would feel more real?
I know this will be a journey to get through.