I can't believe this. I am joining here. Loss ment, live childr.

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ashamom27's picture
Last seen: 4 years 10 months ago
Joined: 07/06/06
Posts: 1010
I can't believe this. I am joining here. Loss ment, live childr.

My name is Asha and I am a mom to 9 living children and 1 Baby Angel.
I was posting on Sept 2010 Board. Two days ago, On Thursday April 22 we had our anatomy scan scheduled. I was 18 weeks 2 days. When the tech started the U/S, we were so excited. I wanted to know if the baby was a girl or a boy. It never gets boring-those scans.
The lady started with placenta shots and as I was looking at the screen I kept waiting for a little foot to kick through. There was no kicking though. I thought that we sure have a calm baby... after minutes though, I realized that she isn't moving onto the baby's body and there was no heartbeat to be heard... I had this lump in my throat I was so scared, but I didn't ask her anything. Then she turned off the screen and told me to walk to the room next door. I lost it then. I told her : " There is no baby, there is no baby in there!" She said : " I didn't tell you this"
This was supposed to be a fun ultrasound where we find out if we are having a son or daughter , not this!
We went to the next room and the doctor met with us. I am so glad we didn't have our kids there!
He said that the baby passed at about 14 weeks. About a month ago. I had no spotting, no cramps, no signs.
He told us that I could let it happen naturally or have a D&C.
I wanted so badly to meet my baby, to see her ( I believe it was a girl) .. but as it happens with a big family, we had huge plans for this weekend. My son had a first communion on Saturday ( today) and my oldest has a sleepover B-day party from Saturday to Sunday. I couldn't risk not being there for one of these or both.
So I decided to have the D&C. I had it yesterday.
It was easy, really. I didn't feel anything, don't remember it. I had some cramping, but I feel much better.
The thing that I am struggling with is anger. I don't know why i am so irritable today. I want to cry all day, but there is no time for it. Not yet.
I named my baby Emma. I bought a flower for her a Peony and I will plant it tomorrow.
What makes me angry, I think is my husband, just got on with his life like " Oh that's sad, can't believe it happened to us, but the doctor said it happens so I guess it happens" I am so angry at that! i need to talk about it with him. I can't just go from planning a summer of pregnancy, planning my birth, looking on craigslist for a swing and a bassinette - to : no baby! "It happens".
I was frantically looking for her U/S photos last night. I stashed them away to keep as a future keepsake. I was going to put them in her baby book which I buy after the 20 weeks scan. She was just a bean of maybe 8 weeks? She had a heartbeat then. She was alive.
I resent that I didn't get to see her, I am sorry that I couldn't miscarry naturally, to feel the pain of this loss. Maybe it would feel more real?

I know this will be a journey to get through.

Last seen: 1 year 8 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. With a loss you can experience a wide variety of emotions, anger was a big one for me too. There is always the question of “why” and not having an answer made me even angrier.
Do not feel guilty for choosing to have a D&C, it sounds like you did what you felt at the time was the best for you and your family.
Men deal with things differently then we do. Men are many times taught to think that feeling emotions is a sign of weakness. I am sure he is hurting as you are too.
It does get easier, though you may not believe it now. I know your emotions are raw right now, but as time goes by you start to heal. I think it is nice you bought a flower for your daughter. It is a beautiful way to remember her by and see her spirit continue to grow.

sarahsunshine's picture
Last seen: 2 years 3 months ago
Joined: 11/29/06
Posts: 1462

Oh Asha,

Let the emotions flow. At least you have somewhere to let them out.

The best thing, in my view, is not to hide them. Yes things are busy and they move on, but it's OK to let your children and husband know that you are hurting at the same time. It may not mean much to them at this stage, but later on down the road they will perhaps understand better, and if the same things should happen to them, they won't be in the vaccuum that you are - they'll have support.

In terms of your husband's insensitivity, it is possible that he doesn't feel it the same as you. Considering that he hasn't been intimately involved in gestation, eating right, getting enough rest etc..., he is not as physically or emotionally attached to your baby.

However, this doesn't mean that he doesn't have to consider how you feel. I think you do need to have that talk with him, to help both of you out. Perhaps you can sneak a minute or two together? I'd offer to babysit for a little while if I were there. Do you think you could have a neighbor come over for an hour or so so you can have some 'together' time?

As for making a keepsake, that's an excellent idea. Maybe the kids could help out and make it a family project and they can each do something to help them in their own way.

Many hugs to all of you.

gardenbug's picture
Last seen: 2 years 1 month ago
Joined: 03/12/07
Posts: 2025

I agree with Sarahsunshine here. Let it flow, talk, share with the kids. Give them the tools to deal with grief as well.
I also think gardening is a huge help for many things!
I planted a grass garden last year for our Reed.


Minx_Kristi's picture
Last seen: 1 month 1 week ago
Joined: 01/02/09
Posts: 1262

I am so sorry for the loss of Emma.

I hope that you can get through this and that you can eventually talk to Dh.

Stay strong!


kmcclurg07's picture
Last seen: 6 years 2 months ago
Joined: 03/01/07
Posts: 12

I am so sorry for your loss Asha Sad ! You will be in my thoughts!

cmljll's picture
Last seen: 1 year 10 months ago
Joined: 11/28/06
Posts: 1409


kvo's picture
Last seen: 4 years 4 days ago
Joined: 12/18/06
Posts: 902

I've said it already, but I will do so again here....I am so sorry for this terrible loss.

gardenbug's picture
Last seen: 2 years 1 month ago
Joined: 03/12/07
Posts: 2025

Thinking of you Asha!:pathead:

Mustanglisa's picture
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 02/26/09
Posts: 324

Your are in my thoughts Asha. I am so sorry :bigarmhug:

Last seen: 4 years 6 months ago
Joined: 09/13/06
Posts: 145

Oh Asha, I'm so sad to hear this.
My heart goes out to you, dh and your family.
We are all here for you, and praying for you...

irisheren's picture
Last seen: 5 years 1 month ago
Joined: 11/22/06
Posts: 61

Asha, I am so sorry for your loss. (((HUGS)))

SparkleMomma's picture
Last seen: 4 years 11 months ago
Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 648

Asha, please add me to the long list of people who are thinking of you. I know how it feels to think that your DH/SO isn't supportive or upset by a loss, but I learned that men grieve differently than us (usually) sometimes they feel the need to be stronger and not show emotion.



AliD's picture
Last seen: 3 years 11 months ago
Joined: 11/10/05
Posts: 20

(((((((((((((((Asha)))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

mommyto3girls's picture
Last seen: 5 years 5 months ago
Joined: 07/09/07
Posts: 256

:bighug: I am so sorry Asha - we're here for you any time you need to let your emotions flow :bighug:

marymoonu's picture
Last seen: 3 years 1 day ago
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

What a horrible way to learn about your loss, on what should have been an exciting and joyous day. I am so terribly sorry for your loss...:bigarmhug:

I agree... Men just cope/grieve differently than we do. I was only 7 weeks for my m/c, but for the woman, we're connected to the bean from the minute we get that BFP. For the man, I think it's just so much more abstract. They don't feel the changes our bodies go through and don't connect to the baby as quickly. My DH has handled this in the complete opposite way from me. I am very obsessive, reading all about m/c's online, freaking out about what I might see every time I go to the bathroom, etc. DH is just going about his normal business as if nothing happened, won't say two words about it, is just like all is normal. He might be taking a little better care of me than normal, making me drink plenty of fluids (because the doc said to), etc... But all-in-all, everything is pretty much normal with him. I'm trying to take it easy on him... I know he doesn't get it because he's a man and men are dense. :rolleyes: