I don't know what to think or feel right now, but I am just going to get my story out because maybe it will help me. As I am typing this I am losing what would have been my first baby. Everytime I use the bathroom it is devasting. I was only about 6 weeks along when I found out that I would be miscarrying, but I feel like I have been pregnant for so much longer...I wanted this baby so much.
My husband and I tried for about 6 months and I finally found out I was pregnant...due in May. We told everyone because we were so excited, my parents came to visit us already with gifts for our future baby...what do I do with those now??
I am so sad and confused. I want to know why this happened? I am so scared that I will never get pregnant again or if I do, have a healthy and happy pregnancy. It's amazing how quickly your motherly instincts kick in when you find out you are going to be a mother. I already fell in love, and now I feel like a huge part of me is missing.
I just want this pain and anger I have to go away. I just keep thinking about what might have been...
First I want to say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this horrible pain. It just isnt fair that any of us should have to loose a child. What I didnt realize is how incredibly common miscariages were until I had one. My doc said that unfortunately its one in every four pregnancies that end in miscariage That doesnt mean at all that you cant go on to have another healthy pregnacy or that you wont get pregnant ever again. All it means is that this is a common event that happens. Luckily my doctor is incredible and reassured me that the miscariage was in no way caused by anything I did and that there was nothing that I could have done to make my body reject my baby that never developed.
I too was so angry. I was lost, sad, disapointed. I have not forgoten my angel by any means but I have come to terms with the fact that this horrible thing has happend and I want to move on. I still get upset by seeing another pregnant woman, but then I think that she too could have had a miscariage or loss and has every right to be pregnant and to have a healty and happy baby and life. I dont stay angry at them, its more of a fleeting emotion. I try to remember that every life has the right to be celebrated. I still feel like a part of me is missing, I dont know if that will ever go away. I will still wonder what if.
I hope that you take the time to grieve, heal, cry, scream, whatever you need to do. I am so so so very sorry you are having to go through this, it just isnt fair. No woman should have to endure the pain you are going through.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Please believe me when I say that the loss of your child is devastating no matter how long or short of a time that you were pregnant.
I can only say that you have to let the grief, the anger, the frustration, every emotion, just come. It is hard to bear, but you need to experience them all. It is really the only way that I have seen to be able to heal.
This is not a quick process. The grief and pain will come in waves just like waves in the ocean. You will have your days that you just stay under a blanket. Then there will be days where you can actually step out onto the porch and take a peek at the world. Each day will get a little better.
Eventually there will come a time where you notice that you haven't been sad for a few hours. Please don't feel guilty when you realize this. It is natural progression.
Also, there will be a point where you realize that you have had a string of a few days that you haven't cried and then a sound or a scent will bring you back to when it all happened. I wish that I could take that gut wrench away, but we all have to go through it.
This board has been an amazing safe haven for me to cope and to heal. Please come here whenever you feel the need.
Remember that the woman that you once were is no more. You are changed forever and that isn't a bad thing. It just is the way it is.
As I end my novel, just let me give you one last thought: if you can't take it day by day break it down to what you can. For the longest time after my loss I just took things from breath to breath.