I don't want to be here (m/c)
+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14

Thread: I don't want to be here (m/c)

  1. #1
    Posting Addict allyinthevalley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    7,154

    Unhappy I don't want to be here (m/c)

    Hi. I want to be back on the February board.
    Um... I should be 10 weeks, 5 days along today. I tracked my baby's every developement. Today his heart starts beating... Today his fingers are formed... Today, he's almost 2 inches long. But last night I went to the ER, worried because I lost all of my pregnancy symptoms COMPLETELY, and I lost 9 pounds in 3 days, I had some very light spotting (so, SO light that it didn't worry me that much), and my hair was starting to fall out. It's just that after I delivered my other two babies, I'd go home and take a shower and I'd have strands of hair all over the place. And that's what was happening now, so I was worried.
    They did all sorts of tests. Hormones were measuring right, pelvic exam was perfect, uterus was swollen, gestational sac was right in the 10 week range. But there was no baby.
    Another ultrasound this morning confirmed it.
    They said my baby died very early, but for whatever reason the pregnancy kept progressing as normal. I wonder how much longer it would have gone on... So I never got to see my baby. Ten weeks of morning sickness and fatigue and eating all the time and constipation and... just everything you can think of... and I never even got to see my baby.
    I had a d&c this morning.
    I know that a lot of you have lost your children so much further along. I know that maybe this isn't as bad. But I've always valued the lives of the tiniest little babies. I always wanted to hold every aborted or miscarried baby, every tiny little one, and tell them everything would be okay. That's not meant to be a political statement. I just love little babies. I've loved this one since before it was conceived. I'm maybe rambling... Sorry. I just am really hurting. Um... don't know what else to say.
    Oh yeah... I went against my better instinct and told everyone I knew about the pregnancy, even though we weren't to twelve weeks yet. The day has been filled with tough phone calls.
    I'm sure you all know how I'm feeling. It makes me feel better. Thanks for reading my rant.
    Ally

  2. #2
    Posting Addict allyinthevalley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    7,154

    Default

    Oh... And this might be silly, but I believe with all my heart that this baby was my boy. We named him Jude Eugene. Again, it may seem silly... But it helps us.

  3. #3
    ahanson74
    Guest

    Default

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost mine even earlier than you and I feel terrible. I think a loss is a loss. I know you don't want to be here but keep coming because there are some really awesome and incredibly stong women here.

    ~Andrea

  4. #4
    Supporter cdokter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    185

    Default

    I so sorry for everything. I lost my baby at 12 weeks but like you, there wasn't really a baby at all. I too had only a sack. For a while the thought that I carried a dead baby from five weeks to twelve weeks really bothered me. I was haunted and felt so guilty for feeling that way on top of everything else. I still feel like my child died. Soem people don't really get it. A loss, whether at 1 week or after the baby is born, is a loss. It doesn't change the amount of grief you feel only how and why you feel it. Everyone here knows that and don't feel the least bit guilty about venting. We've all been there. Again, I'm so very sorry.

  5. #5
    Posting Addict
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Southwestern PA
    Posts
    11,678

    Default

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through something very similar back in September. I started spotting around 10 1/2 weeks and went in only to find out that the baby had died around 5-6 weeks. I went home and m/c a few days later. It ws devastating. I felt a lot of the emotions you describe. We had also told everyone we knew because we were so excited and then had to go and tell everyone the bad new. It was horrible. I hope that it helps you to know that you are not alone and that all those feelings are natural. Hugs.

    Deb

  6. #6
    nicoleballinger
    Guest

    Default

    I'm SO sorry that you lost your little baby. I have also gone through this kind of m/c, and it's absolutely horrible.

    A counsellor recommended that we name our angels, so we did. I didn't have your confidence about the sex of each baby, so we chose unisex names that we both really liked. I don't think it's strange at all -- your baby was a human being like anyone else, and (personally) I think everyone deserves the respect of being given a name. Also, I have found it very healing for myself -- it's easier somehow to refer to my lost angels by their names instead of constant reference to "the babies". It's hard to put into words, but it helps somehow. I think it's because I feel we have honoured them.

    So since it makes you feel better, I'm glad you named your son. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else: it's your journey, not theirs.

    Write in whenever you want to. Please allow yourself to lean on us for a while. We've all taken turns at being nurtured by the lovely people on this board. (In fact, they're taking care of me again now -- in a different way, but it's still great caring and support).

    You deserve to be looked after by us too. We're going to help you through this.

    Lots of hugs,
    Nicole

  7. #7
    Posting Addict shellyhudson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    8,632

    Default

    Ally,

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious child. I do not believe that your loss is any "easier" than mine was. I believe that you feel as I do. That is a child from the minute you see that second line. Please come here and vent and let it out here.

    This has been a safe haven to me at my worst of times. I am sorry that you have need of this board, but am grateful that it is here.

  8. #8
    Posting Addict
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Posts
    35,417

    Default

    Hugs Ally. I am so very sorry for your loss. I have had two losses at about 9wks, one of which was a blighted ovum, and yeah, I was so resentful of all those symptoms for the whole time when the baby had been gone for a long time. Please feel free to vent here any time, don't think that anything you are doing to grieve and heal is silly.

  9. #9
    Mega Poster squirlyj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Ontario
    Posts
    3,575

    Default

    Oh, I am so sorry to see you here First trimester losses are still losses. They are very real and really hurt. Naming your baby is not weird at all.

    HUGS!

  10. #10
    rh1430
    Guest

    Default

    I am so sorry about your loss. It does not matter when you lose a child it is a loss the same. This board and woman are amazing. After my miscarriage they supported me so much. I hope you find strength and hope through sharing your feelings here. It is a safe place to rant/vent at anytime. We understand.

    Robin

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
v -->

About Us | Contact Us | Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Terms & Conditions