I woke up this morning and it was like reality slammed me up against a wall. I thought I was handling this all ok, but I think now that everything is finally over, I am starting to grieve. We had such an emotional roller coaster ride that I don't think I was able to really face what was happening until now. On one hand, I'm glad the ride is over and I can finally move on, but on the other hand, I feel so emotionally unstable. One minute I feel so angry and pissed off that we couldn't have this baby and the next minute I feel numb. My poor DD is so worried about me (she's almost 3) and keeps asking me why I'm so sad. I feel so guilty for not smiling and laughing with her. I'm really trying to keep things as normal as possible for her, but she is so intuitive and knows that something is up. I of course feel blessed to have her, but I can't help but mourn this baby that I'll never get to hold.
I don't regret going for the last ultrasound because I'm thankful that we were able to see it and get a few pictures, but I think seeing the heartbeat has made it harder for me to be at peace with it all. I'm so grateful we got to see it beating, but it also makes me long to see it again.
I just wish things had been different. Thanks for letting me vent. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself today.
i'm sorry you are having a rough day but you are allowed! we all have our days...especially in the beginning when everything is still so fresh on your mind. don't be afraid to cry in front of your daughter-she is young but it will show her it's ok to cry. hold her and love on her-use her as your support to get through the day. even though you already have a child, you still have to mourn the one you lost. so don't ever feel guilty. take one day at a time.
My poor DD is so worried about me (she's almost 3) and keeps asking me why I'm so sad. I feel so guilty for not smiling and laughing with her. I'm really trying to keep things as normal as possible for her, but she is so intuitive and knows that something is up. I of course feel blessed to have her, but I can't help but mourn this baby that I'll never get to hold.
It is difficult when we want to put on a brave face to protect our little ones. I understand about feeling so blessed to have her but it is also difficult to grieve. I know all I wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and shut out the world. you can't do that with a three year old. To make it worse my husband was very ill at the time and was on IV antibiotics and we had a nurse coming to the house every day. He was on a great deal of painkillers and his blood sugars were completly out of whack. So for my son I needed to get on with things as best as I could. I made sure he understood that mommy and daddy were sad becuase Lily died. I reassured him that nothing was going to happen to him or to us (although deep inside I was terrified about my DH). I explained that Lily got sick in mommy's tummy and because she was only a baby and not a big boy like him she couldn't get better. He went to her funeral. He released a balloon up to heaven for Lily to catch. I also ordered a book called "We were gonna have a Baby but we had an Angel Instead". He still talks about Lily. SOmetimes he asks me the same questions over again. Be prepared for that.
You are not alone in wanting to mourn for the child you lost yet having to pick up the pieces for the child who is left at home. I also had family and friends offer to take DS out for a bit. I didn't do that often but it was great to know I could.
I am sorry that you are going through this turmoil. I wish I had the magic words to make everything better. My daughter was very upset for me after our loss as well. Damien was a very real entity in her mind. When she asks questions now, I am just simply honest. I tell her that Mommy is missing Damien right now. That usually is enough for her. Depending on her understanding level, I suggest being as honest as you can with your daughter. That way, she knows that you are sad but she also has reassurance that you are not upset because of her or something that she has done.
I also suggest being honest with your daughter. It is ok for her to see you grieve because not only are you showing her one is allowed to cry but you show her that you care very much for the little angel. THough this may sound strange this gives her the sure feeling that you love her as well all the more and you would be very upset if something ever happens to her. I am not saying you would say that but they do think these thoughts though they cant express them. My oldest son told me about it much later, and that he was glad i talked to him and cried and showed him i loved him and missed the angel as well. He said it gave him a warm feeling inside. ANd that is why he always told me what he was up to.