I hate this xp
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  1. #1
    Mega Poster woooaaahhhh's Avatar
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    Default I hate this xp

    First of all....life is crazy right now, so sorry I dont get to hang around here and post more often. I feel like a jerk for it, but eh...what can you do?

    The last few months I have been in this black hole, it seems. I am so depressed. The loss is really hitting me now, and its so hard for me to even be able to get out of bed. I feel worthless and broken. We have been TTC for 10 months now, and it is really taking its toll on DH and I. He doesnt seem so affected by everything...he is just cool as a cucumber. I feel broken...defective. If I cant even conceive a baby- the one thing a woman's body is SUPPOSED to be able to do, then I must be damaged goods. IDK...Matt doesnt understand. My friends IRL dont understand. THe friends that have children, they were all accidents. They really have no clue what hell this is.

    The last few weeks have been especially hard. I keep playing the "this time last year" game with myself, and its torture.

    This time last year was the absolute happiest point of my entire life. I had no idea about the horror that was about to unfold.

    A year ago today, I still thought I would be bringing a baby home. I was two days from my BIG U/S and was so excited I could hardly function. Little did I know, that turned out to be the 2nd worst day of my life. I have been through a lot of ****, a lot...and let me tell you- there is absolutely NOTHING worse than hearing there is something wrong with your little baby.

    I know there are a lot of people on this site that may secretly judge me because I made the decision to end it. I know a lot of you may think "I'd do anything to have a baby, soick or not"....because your losses are very different than mine....who knows, maybe no one judges me for it, but thats how I think. No one IRL except for my mother and DH know the real story of what happened. no one. not even my best friend or sister. I am filled with so much guilt over it all, and honestly dont know I would make the same decision, given the chance. I guess thats the price I have to pay. I will always second guess myself, even though it was the best decision for my little guy.

    I'm sorry this is so long and maybe doesnt make a whole lot of sense...I just have to get this out. No one IRL, not even DH...no one understands the tremendous pain I live in every day because of this.

    DH and I are going on a much needed vacation to Florida in two weeks. Against my mother's request, my sister has decided to get married on the one year anniversary of my loss. Granted, its not the anniversary of the day he was born- its the anniversary of the absolute most painful, horrible day of my life. I spent the entire day laboring, knowing I was killing my baby. My sister chose that day as her wedding....so again, I have to put on my happy face and be all puppy dogs and rainbows, when all I want to do is look at pics of my baby boy and mourn my loss.

    I am filled with so much anxiety even thinking about that day, I have no idea how I am going to keep it all together.

    A year ago today, I was pregnant and happy. After tomorrow, I will never be able to say that again.

    I could keep going and going, but I dont want to put you girls through that. Sorry this is so long and depressing. Just being able to put this somewhere makes me feel a little better.
    Last edited by Michelle; 07-19-2008 at 08:10 AM. Reason: to remove signature

  2. #2
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    OH Star I am so sos sorry you are feeling like this. I wish I had the words to make you feel all better but I don't. Many hugs and thoughts sweetie. We are here when you need us. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) )))))))) Tori

  3. #3
    Prolific Poster SparkIris's Avatar
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    You don't know me, but I remember when you lost your sweet baby. I think about you now and then and always wonder how you're doing.
    I just cant fathom what you must be feeling....it hurts so much to even read/think about it. Although you may always question your decision, it was the right and best one for your little Matthew. I don't know...I'm not sure what I would do in the situation, but I would advise you to do what you need to do on your loss anniversary. Your sister is apparently aware of the implications of that date on your life and if she chose to get married that day anyway, then you have the right to choose not to be there, IMO.
    Thinking of you and wishing you peace........


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    1/26/07 @ 13 weeks

  4. #4
    mskoala
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    I think of you almost daily wondering how you are. In the end, you did what you had to do for yourself and your hubby. No one should ever judge you for that.

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    Hugs hon. Please know that I do not judge you for the horrible decision you had to make. I honestly do not know how I would handle such a decision, and hope that I never have to, but I do not fault you AT ALL for yours, and I may have made the same decision, who knows. I'm sorry that you are struggling so much right now, and I cannot believe your sister would choose her wedding to be on your most horrible day.

    I only know a few women IRL that have struggled to get pregnant, and the ones that haven't are the ones that are critical of me charting, temping and such to get myself there, and it makes me want to smack them. If they only knew!

    I hope that your vacation is nice and a getaway. Please know that we are here for you to vent whenever you need to, heaven knows I vent whenever I can. Hugs and prayers.

  6. #6
    Supporter cdokter's Avatar
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    I dont' know you at all and I'm not familiar with your loss but I do know that it was a loss. You write as if you think you did something wrong by choosing not to have your baby. In a way, I'm lucky compared to you. I had no choice to make. God (or whatever power there is) took my baby without any warning. I feel so bad for you that you had to make that choice. I can't even begin to imagine that horror of that. I do not judge you and anyone who takes a moment to really think about being in that situation cannot judge you either. The guilt you feel is immense. All the secrets you feel the need to keep must weigh on you daily. I have never dealt with anything like you have, so my advice probably doesn't mean anything but if you don't mind, I'd like to offer some anyway. Maybe you should tell people what you went through. Even if they dissagree or don't want to hear it. Obviously they dont understand your pain and maybe they need to. Especially your family. Maybe a blunt telling would help that. I don't know. I just feel so bad for you right now. It's terrible enough to not have your baby, but to blame yourself and beat yourself up about it too, I can't imagine. I'm so very sorry for everything you've had to go through. I hope your vacation helps you to relax and spend some quality time with your DH.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by cdokter View Post
    I dont' know you at all and I'm not familiar with your loss but I do know that it was a loss. You write as if you think you did something wrong by choosing not to have your baby. In a way, I'm lucky compared to you. I had no choice to make. God (or whatever power there is) took my baby without any warning. I feel so bad for you that you had to make that choice. I can't even begin to imagine that horror of that. I do not judge you and anyone who takes a moment to really think about being in that situation cannot judge you either. The guilt you feel is immense. All the secrets you feel the need to keep must weigh on you daily. I have never dealt with anything like you have, so my advice probably doesn't mean anything but if you don't mind, I'd like to offer some anyway. Maybe you should tell people what you went through. Even if they dissagree or don't want to hear it. Obviously they dont understand your pain and maybe they need to. Especially your family. Maybe a blunt telling would help that. I don't know. I just feel so bad for you right now. It's terrible enough to not have your baby, but to blame yourself and beat yourself up about it too, I can't imagine. I'm so very sorry for everything you've had to go through. I hope your vacation helps you to relax and spend some quality time with your DH.
    Star I could not have said this any better. You are such a strong women to make the choice that you had to make. I also was given the easier way out. God choose to take Abby from me. Like you I was in my 2nd tri she was just days from being 15 weeks I never once thought anything could ever happen to her, I was so wrong. I never knew my heart could hurt as much as it did. Star , you did what was best for you, your family, and your sweet baby boy!! Many Hugs!!! Tori

  8. #8
    Supporter lanlaiely's Avatar
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    I have experienced a loss too. I don't think it matters HOW your loss happened, just that it DID happen and how you get yourself through it is all that matters. Clearly you are still in mourning and you know, that's alright. For me, I will never fully recover from my loss. I thought getting pregnant again was going to cure me from my feelings of loss. But it didn't. I still cry over what happened.

    It still cuts at my heart, however I have come to accept the feelings of loss and even embrace it. The way I look at it, my feelings of loss is the only connection that I have left to my previous pregnancy. I didn't get to hear the heartbeat, I didn't get to see the ultrasound of my baby, I didn't get to do any of those things that I was so looking forward to. My pregnancy ended too soon for that.

    I might be looking at this the wrong way, but going to your sister's wedding on the anniversary of the worst day of your life might not be a bad thing. It might give you something else to focus your attention on. For me, I was NOT looking forward to my EDD at all. My mom wanted me to go to a concert with her on that day and I refused saying that I didn't think I'd be up to it on that day. Then my doctor's receptionist purposely scheduled my genderscan for my current pregnancy on the day of my previous pregnancy's EDD. She wanted me to have something else to focus on...and it worked for me.

    I hope that you can make it through this pain and loss that you feel. The GOOD thing about your previous pregnancy is that it proves that you are NOT broken and you ARE capable of getting pregnant. You have 1 hurdle already cleared, whether it feels like that or not. Your body HAS become pregnant, which is something that so many women out there can't do. I think that if you tried to ease your mind a little bit about it and don't think about it so much, you might have an easier time.

    I really hope that you will have your pregnancy too.

  9. #9
    Mega Poster squirlyj's Avatar
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    Hugs!! I would never judge the decision you made. You did the right thing for you, given your circumstances and what you knew at the time.

    I hope you can come to a place where you can accept what has happened and be happy again. And I hope you get that healthy child you want so badly.

  10. #10
    Posting Addict shellyhudson's Avatar
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    I am so very sorry that any of us have to go through the pain of loss. I know that I believe if I were in your situation I would have made the same choice that you did. I don't expect that to be of any comfort as I believe that nothing would really be of comfort.

    I just wanted to say that I do not judge you as I believe that you did what you believe was best for your precious son. I am sorry that you are struggling to conceive. I wish that I had the right words to make everything better. Those words just don't exist.

    I wish you peace and strength.
    Last edited by Michelle; 07-19-2008 at 08:11 AM. Reason: to remove signature

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