I have missed you

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tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82
I have missed you

Hi! I do not know if any of you remember me, but I was a frequent poster here on Pregnancy.org. I have not been on here in almost 2 years. It was just too painful to be here when I lost my baby. (April 2,2007). It still hurts more than i thought that it would. I thought by now the pain would subside. I was told that it would. I have made so many mistakes and hurt so many people that i cared about. I want to get back to doing the things that i have always enjoyed but sometimes is seems like it is a selfish thing to do. I still go and see my baby at the cemetary when i am able to get in. (they do not plow during the winter months). Anyways, I hope to become a more frequent poster again. I hope that I am able to help each and everyone of you and I hope to become friends once again with the people I lost touch with in the last 2 years. Take Care!

Tina

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Hugs! I'm sorry for your loss.

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Hi Tina,
Welcome back. Grief is a terrible thing, it lingers. I hope you have found comfort in time.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

I'm so sorry Tina. Sad

Joined: 03/20/07
Posts: 36

Tina, please don't be a stranger anymore, we're all here for you.... hugs.....

tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82
My story Long and maybe TMI may be sensitive to some.

thank You each and ever one of you. For those of you who do not know my story, i will share it with you. My husband and I tried for years to get pregnant again. We have a boy and a girl but because of PCOS, it was very difficult to figure out when and if i was ovulating. We finally gave up. While at work one night, my girlfriend was telling me that she was so sick and tired of her period. She said that it was going on a week since she started. I asked her how early she was because we usually start at the same time. She told me that she was actually on time. I went home that night and I took a test. The line showed up immediately. I yelled to my husband to come upstairs. He looked at it and he was not sure if it was actually there either because it was so light. I called the pharmacist and they told me that any line that shows up would be a positive he gets darker with the amount of the HCG hormone in your urine. But he said to take another test and make an appointment with my doctor. So, i took another test the next day and another one the day after that. All 3 came back positive. I was so excited. I could not believe that after all these years that it finally happened. I immediately quit smoking. (which was super tough) but my baby was more important. I called my doctors office and they made me an appointment the following week. I was so happy and I was doing everything right. While at work, the day before my appointment, I started to bleed. At first I was stunned then fear came over me. I went to my boss and told him that i needed to leave. I told him that i was pregnant and I was bleeding. He told me to leave right away and good luck. I called my dad and told him that i needed to get to the doctors because of the bleeding. he told me to call my husband and have him meet us at the hospital. I called him and he said ok. Next thing i know, I am outside waiting for my dad and the ambulance showed up. Someone called the ambulance from inside the store. I was so scared that i started to hyperventilate. My parents showed up just as they were loading me into the ambulance. I wanted my mom t ocome with me but they could not let her in so they followed to ambluance. It was the longest 30 minutes to the hospital. I go there and the nurses came in to evaluate me. The ysaid that they would be back in a few minutes. 2 hours went by and I was still waiting to be seen i was still bleeding even though it was not as bad. I was crying and my mom went out and asked them what was taking so long. I needed help. The ysaid that they just had someone come in that was in full code and they had all manpower in there. I did not care, I was going to lose my baby. To me that was just as important. Thye needed urine from me and they completely forgot to collect it(even though i was still billed for it). Finally my husband called my doctors office to see if I could get in there instead because i have been waiting for 4 hours and not one person came in to check on me as i layed there bleeding. They told me to stay put because the office was closing in 10 minutes. An hour later, a nurse came in to check on me she just started her shift and when she heard what was going on, she went out there and yelled"why hasn't this woman been to ultrasound" Next hing I know, I am being wheeled to radiology for an ultrasound. The tech was doing an abdominal and he could not see the baby so he did a vaginal u/s and still no baby. I was devastated. I was wheeled back into my room. The e/r doctor came in and looked at my chart and said that I was definetley pregnant but they were not sure why they could not see the baby. They said that i had enough hormone in me that the baby should be showing up by now but it is possible that it was still too soon so to go and see my OB the next day. The next day, I went in and they did a hcg level and it was a little higher than the day before. They did an ultrasound and they did not see the baby so they told me to come back in 2 days for another level check. I went back in and my level tripled so again they did an ultrasound and still no baby could be seen. They wanted to give me a shot to terminate the pregnancy and i said no. So, I went back a couple of days later to get another level check and again in tripled. They did another U/S and this time they could see a blood vessel on my fallopian tube. They thought that i was having an ectopic pregnancy. The OB came in and said that it was past the point of shots so they would have to go in. He told me to go home and come back the next day for the procedure. Then he decided to keep me in because he was afaraid of a rupture. Then he finally decided that i needed to get into the OR at that moment. My mom called my family and told them to get to the hospital. They got there a few minutes before I was wheeled in. I woke up from surgery and I was told that i was still pregnant. The baby was not in my tube and to come back in on Monday for another Ultrasound. He wanted to do an exploratory but I asked him not to go near my uterus just incase the baby was in fact alright. So he abided by my wishes. This was on a Thursday. I went home the same day. I was so excited. I kep talking about how my baby was alright and wait and see, I was going to be holding that angel in my arms in a few short months and this was all worth it. My family seemed really upset but I could not understand why. I woke up Saturday night to having the bed soaked with blood. I called the oncall doctor and she said to give it a little while and if it was still going on, to go to the ER and they would check me out. Well, I stopped bleeding so I went back to sleep. Sunday, everything seemed to be fine. I even went to the store and bought a baby receiving blanket. I was sore from the staples in my belly button and in the pubic area but I was to excited to let that stop me. I woke up Monday morning and I passed a huge blood clot. I was scared. I yelled to my husband and he told me that he needed to call my mom. She came up to my house with a tupperware dish. I asked her what it was for and she said that doctor larsen told them to get a dish and when things happened, to put it in the dish. I asked her why and she said that i was going to lose the baby. he did not want me to know because of my frame of mind. I told her that it was alright and that he was wrong. It was just from surgery. She insisted that i put the tissue in the container. I did but i did not feel that it was necessary. She called my doctor's office and the ysaid for me to come in right away. I went in and they did a urine test that was filled with blood even though I was no longer bleeding. They put me in for another U/S and still no baby. They kept checking and checking and all of a sudden you could hear a heartbeat. It was so beautiful and fast! I started to cry and i looked at my mom and we were both amazed. I looked at the monitor and there my baby was! The heartbeat was so beautiful and the movements was beautiful. I started to laugh and I said"See,I told you everything was going to be alright!" The sonogram tech sopke up and said no Tina, the baby has implanted in your cervix. I said that is not a big deal, i would stay on bedrest the rest of the pregnancy. She said that she had to get the doctor and he had to talk to me. As i sat there, I was saying over and over that my baby was going ot be alright. I gripped my stomach and started to talk to my baby. My mom was crying, she knew what was going to happen. I felt a warm liquid and i assumed that it was lubricant. The sonogram tech came in and asked me to stand up so she could change the paper under me. I thought this was strange but i did and when i looked, there was blood everywhere. It looked like someone was butchered in there. I went hysterical. I called my dad from the cellphone and told him that the baby was there and the baby had a heartbweat of 128 beats per minute and to please not let them take my baby. He said for me to be strong and that he would be here as soon as he picked up my husband. The doctor came in and did his own U/S and again, my baby was so happy in there. No cares in the world. Just a healthy peanut. He said that i needed to go into surgery right away. They printed out a songram picture for me and I held it so close to my heart. They put me in the wheel chair and they closed all of the doors so i did not have to hear the other heartbeats from the non stress tests going on. The nurse was running down the hall pushing me. My mom was trying to keep up. I was still begging them not to do this. There had to be something that could be done. They got be up into a private room to get prepped up for surgery. I was still begging them. I was bleeding so heavily at this point. My dad and my husband came in and I begged my dad not to let them do this. I just kept saying (Daddy they are trying to take my baby) He said that they needed to or I was going to die. I was bleeding to death by this time. They get me in the OR and and they started to get me all hooked up. The people in there were so serious. They put a mask over my face and told he to breath normally and I would feel a warm sensation. I could feel myself starting to drift but I was fighting it. I told them that I did not want them to take my baby. The anesthesiologist told the nurse to put pressure on the artery and they started to talk about cool icebergs. next thing i know, I am in the recovery room. The grief I felt was overwhelming. I never felt anything like it before. I heard this scream come out of me and i did not realize that it was me. I sobbed and sobbed. My nurse had my whole family come in the the recovery room. (You are only allowed 1 person usually) She satyed with me and held me while i sobbed. my famil came in and we were all crying. They had the grief counselor from the maternity ward come down to see me. She gave me some books to take home with me about infant and pregnancy loss. Both of my doctors came in and I was confused. I had 3 iv's in me. One was for the blood transfusion I had to receive because of the blood loss. They did another U/S in the recovery room to make sure that they got everything out but they needed me to go back in a few days for a checkup. I still had staples from the first surgery 4 days prior. I did not sleep when i got home. When I tried to sleep I would have this recurring dream that they were doing an U/S and they forgot the baby's feet in me and they had to go back in to remove it. I went to the bank the next day and i withdrew some money because i wanted to make an arrangment for my baby. They would not give me any money because i ws not on my husband's account. I broke down in tears and i told them that my baby died the day before and i wanted to make an arrangement for her. They called my husband and he told them to give me whatever i wanted. I went into my work place and picked out my flowers. I started to make the arrangement and I felt very anxious. I wanted my baby here with me. Not disposed of like nothing. I called the hospital and asked them for my baby's remains because i wanted to bury the baby so i could be close forever. The ytold me that they could not give them to me they said that i needed to call a funeral home and have them pick her up. I called a funeral home and he went down 3 times before they would let him take it. he made a casket for the baby and lined it with satin. he told me not to worry about the cost of the arrangements because they do not charge for a child 5 and under. he made a cross that they placed the casket on. He asked me if I wanted to come in and see the casket. I of course did. My husband and myself went in that Saturday. On his desk was this little box. IT was beautiful. I picked it up and held it up to my face and started to hum a lullaby. I started to sob. This was the first and last time I would hole my baby. I had all i could do not to open the box and look at my angel but he told me that they pretty much mangled the baby and it would not be in my best interest to look. My husband took the box away from me. I called my priest when I got home. Iwas so full of hate and anger. I needed guidance. He assured me that my baby was in heaven and what happened was not my fault. Because of my beliefs, I really had a hard time believing it. The priest called the funreal director and they thought that it would be in my best interest to have the service right away. The cemetary is closed during the winter but they were concerned for me. The ywanted to have the service on Easter Sunday after mass. My family did not like that idea so it was put off until April 29th. 27 days after my baby died. The day before i went in for a 3rd surgery for a hernia repair due to the 1st 2 surgeries. The day before the service. We had to go to the cemetary and show them exactly where I wanted to bury my baby. While there, I realized that the baby was going to be put in the ground just the way it was. Nothing to protect it from the earth. I could not live with that. I asked them what I could do. For $600 I could have the casket put into an urn. I did not have the money so i went to my boss and asked him to let me get my christmas club out. I explained what it was for and he said that it would take a week to get it. I did not have a week. I had 24 hours. So my husband and I spent the day looking at all of the stores for something We could use. I ended up having to get a rubbermaid container. The service was nice. The priest blessed the casket and cross. A lot of people showed up to show their support. The priest gave me the cross and it is on my wall with an 8x10 picture of the baby's sonogram. I put the original in my hopechest. I have 1 picture and I do not want anything to happen to it. A couple of weeks later, I was diagnosed with postpartum phsychosis. I was in therapy for months but i stopped because it was not doing me any good. I was out of work for 4 months luckily i had the fmla so i was covered. I had a hard time recovering from the surgeries which is a whole other story. Well, it will be 2 years April 2 and it still feels just as fresh as it did that day.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm sorry for your loss. How is your PPP?

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

hugs hon. I am so sorry. My heart just aches for you.

tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82

The PPP is a lot better. I am now off of all of the medications. I have found comfort and support from different people who are always there for me when i need them. I still can't be around pregnant women or other babies. it still makes me cry when i see them. I am told to "get over it" a lot but it is easier said than done.

Tina

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Kudos for winning against PPP, it is a hard battle to win.
Keep taking one day at a time. It is actually good to know what may trigger you, and if pregnant women do it there is no shame in shying away right now.

tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82

Thank You. A lot of people around me do not understand. One thing i hear a lot is "get over it" or "just be glad that you were not further along" That means nothing to me. It wa sstill my baby. I honestly think that it would have been easier if i actually miscarried. But the way it happened was so cruel. I am glad that i was able to hear the heartbeat and see the baby moving some women never get that chance but on the other hand I cannot help but wonder if all of the events that happened following the baby's death would have been avoided if i miscarried. Do you know what i mean?

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

"at least you were not further along" is one of the worst things anyone could ever say. I used to think it though, until I was there. My cousin said it to me the day I found out there would be no baby. It was like twisting the knife. I'm sorry it was all so traumatic for you. I had hemoraging issues due to placenta previa with my ds, and it was very scary and traumatic, so I kind of know where you are coming from there. Both my dh and I were scarred from it for quite some time. I remember every single detail so vividly, and with the trauma of miscarrying with it, my heart goes out to you!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

A loss is a loss, it does not matter how far along you were. Do not let others make you feel guilty for grieving the loss of your baby. Own your feeling and your grief.
We all fall in love with the baby, and what it means, when we see the second red (or blue) line show up on the test.

tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82

I know what you are both saying but it is just so frustrating having to defend myself all of the time to people who do not understand. Even my husband really doesn't understand. He even tells me to get over it. If i try talking about it with him he just says "Oh ok" Well what kind of support is that? I have found comfort in my boss and his door is always opened for me if i just need to get away and have a good cry. He of all people suprises me because I was so nasty and vicious to him when i was out of medical leave. I almost did not have a job to go back to. Even now there is so much tension between us on a personal and professional level but when it comes right down to it, he is there for me when i need him. It would be nice if my husband were to be the same way.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Men grieve in a differnt way then women. Try using "I" statements. Such as "I feel x when you do Y".

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs Tina. Men definitely process it different, but I am sorry that your dh has not been there for you through these struggles. I know it was months after my loss that I had to send my dh and email (so I could get all thoughts out w/o interruption) to let him know how I was not handling it. It definitely helped. Hope you can dh can talk about. I am glad you have one person that can listen to you, I only have one IRL person that I can share all my sadness and depression with ttc and miscarriages with, makes it hard!

tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82

thanks for the advice and ear. I will try and do the "I" thing more often. And Yes I am very lucky to have my boss. he is amazing!

SparkleMomma's picture
Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 648

Hi Tina, I remember you from the good ol' beginning days of PO!

I am glad that you have found your way back to us and I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you are overcoming your PPP and I am sure talking about it will be a huge help for you.

:bighug:

Diane
5 Angels in Heaven