I was doing so very well. I had nearly two full weeks of borderline happiness. I was at peace and enjoyed lighting my candles on the fifteenth. It was when the candles were blown out that it all seemed to change. I just don't know why. I am crying on and off all day long again. I feel like it just happened yesterday. I am going through all of my feelings of guilt again. Logically I know that it wasn't my fault. However, I can't help thinking that I have failed so miserably. I had one job to do. I was to bring this precious miracle into the world and I couldn't do it. I have developed this deep seated fear that Dave is going to realize how badly I have failed him and want to leave. Again, logic tells me the truth but for some reason my heart won't accept it now. I just want my son. I miss him so much that it physically hurts. I swear it is like having a limb amputated. I am getting the ghost pains that I have heard described. I feel flutters in my stomach and then am even more devastated than before because I know that it is just a figment of my imagination. I can't sleep more than an hour or two at a time. I am such a wreck. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot do this on my own. I need professional help, so I got the necessary referral to see a psychologist for grief counseling. I have been given ambien to help me sleep until I can get back on more of an even keel. I knew that it would take a very long time to heal. I knew that some days would be worse than others. However, I did not realize that it could all come crashing down this badly and for no apparent reason. I am back at square one. I have to work back to where I was before. How do I do that? I just don't know. If you have made it this far, thank you so much. I just need to let this out.