I just don't get it... (long)

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shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814
I just don't get it... (long)

I was doing so very well. I had nearly two full weeks of borderline happiness. I was at peace and enjoyed lighting my candles on the fifteenth. It was when the candles were blown out that it all seemed to change. I just don't know why. I am crying on and off all day long again. I feel like it just happened yesterday. I am going through all of my feelings of guilt again. Logically I know that it wasn't my fault. However, I can't help thinking that I have failed so miserably. I had one job to do. I was to bring this precious miracle into the world and I couldn't do it. I have developed this deep seated fear that Dave is going to realize how badly I have failed him and want to leave. Again, logic tells me the truth but for some reason my heart won't accept it now. I just want my son. I miss him so much that it physically hurts. I swear it is like having a limb amputated. I am getting the ghost pains that I have heard described. I feel flutters in my stomach and then am even more devastated than before because I know that it is just a figment of my imagination. I can't sleep more than an hour or two at a time. I am such a wreck. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot do this on my own. I need professional help, so I got the necessary referral to see a psychologist for grief counseling. I have been given ambien to help me sleep until I can get back on more of an even keel. I knew that it would take a very long time to heal. I knew that some days would be worse than others. However, I did not realize that it could all come crashing down this badly and for no apparent reason. I am back at square one. I have to work back to where I was before. How do I do that? I just don't know. If you have made it this far, thank you so much. I just need to let this out.

Shelly

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

You are not alone. We have all had those days. Therapy sounds like a good idea. Today is not a good one for me either. I will be thinking about you. vent anytime

Joined: 05/04/06
Posts: 250

You're not alone and we're here for you when you need to talk. I think talking to someone sounds like it could really help.

Joined: 03/20/07
Posts: 36

Vent away. You have been through so much, I agree with pp, talking to someone could help. Hugs

Joined: 11/29/05
Posts: 49

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. :bigarmhug: You are not to blame. Your family loves you, because they always have, and you are not to blame. I think we all feel we are somehow unworthy and blameful when touched by the devastation of m/c, infant loss or even infertility, (I know I did, and still sometimes struggle) not to mention the grief of loss. I think it's a great idea to talk with somebody to help you with your grief and many feelings. I hope you find peace and with it happiness. My thoughts are with you :comfort:

Joined: 12/09/06
Posts: 74

I am so sorry you have to go through this at all. I hope the counseling helps work through it. :bigarmhug:

Teresa

Joined: 03/08/06
Posts: 183

I am so sorry for all you are going through, I can't say I understand as my loss was early. I did however feel the this is my fault and I also felt I failed DH. I think that part is a normal reaction to loss. :bigarmhug: I am glad that you are going to recieve some grief counseling, I am sure it will help you deal with all your emotions. Come here and vent anytime, we are here to support you through all the ups and downs.
Much Love
Sarah