I was doing so very well. I had nearly two full weeks of borderline happiness. I was at peace and enjoyed lighting my candles on the fifteenth. It was when the candles were blown out that it all seemed to change. I just don't know why. I am crying on and off all day long again. I feel like it just happened yesterday. I am going through all of my feelings of guilt again. Logically I know that it wasn't my fault. However, I can't help thinking that I have failed so miserably. I had one job to do. I was to bring this precious miracle into the world and I couldn't do it. I have developed this deep seated fear that Dave is going to realize how badly I have failed him and want to leave. Again, logic tells me the truth but for some reason my heart won't accept it now. I just want my son. I miss him so much that it physically hurts. I swear it is like having a limb amputated. I am getting the ghost pains that I have heard described. I feel flutters in my stomach and then am even more devastated than before because I know that it is just a figment of my imagination. I can't sleep more than an hour or two at a time. I am such a wreck. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot do this on my own. I need professional help, so I got the necessary referral to see a psychologist for grief counseling. I have been given ambien to help me sleep until I can get back on more of an even keel. I knew that it would take a very long time to heal. I knew that some days would be worse than others. However, I did not realize that it could all come crashing down this badly and for no apparent reason. I am back at square one. I have to work back to where I was before. How do I do that? I just don't know. If you have made it this far, thank you so much. I just need to let this out.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You are not to blame. Your family loves you, because they always have, and you are not to blame. I think we all feel we are somehow unworthy and blameful when touched by the devastation of m/c, infant loss or even infertility, (I know I did, and still sometimes struggle) not to mention the grief of loss. I think it's a great idea to talk with somebody to help you with your grief and many feelings. I hope you find peace and with it happiness. My thoughts are with you
I am so sorry for all you are going through, I can't say I understand as my loss was early. I did however feel the this is my fault and I also felt I failed DH. I think that part is a normal reaction to loss. I am glad that you are going to recieve some grief counseling, I am sure it will help you deal with all your emotions. Come here and vent anytime, we are here to support you through all the ups and downs.