I don't want to do this anymore...I just want to be normal and have my baby. I don't want to be like this...where I can't take care of them, protect them...Its supposed to be my job to keep them safe and I can't. I keep failing... I can't even keep them safe until they're born. I don't want my babies to keep dying...why does god keep taking them? Why won't he let me have them? I don't want to be remembering them... I want to be holding them...
I just don't want to be like this anymore... I don't want to hurt... I just want my babies...
Last edited by LauraT; 10-10-2007 at 07:22 PM.
Reason: to remove signature
Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
I am so sorry Jessa
I have gone down the same road as you....asking the *why* question to God....why do you need 9 of my babies? It is an answer I know that I will not fully have on this side of heaven. I cope with the loss of all my babies by trusting in Him...believing that my babies did have a purpose...But that their purpose was to serve God in heaven...that I will see them one day, and it will be for keeps....It did take some time to come to this place...And although I still have much pain due to them not being able to be with me...peace and comfort is there as well..
Sending you many ((hugs)) ....We are all here for you
I wish i could tell you that you will feel normal again, but your 'normal' has changed. You will most definately feel happy again and you will have good times and fewer and fewer times of grief and sorrow, but your old kind of normal is gone.
I dont want to do this either, but for my sanity i know that i have to. If i were to deny myself this pain it might damage me in the long run.
You're right to ask the questions you do, but maybe you wont have your answers until you meet your babies again. I keep visualising the day when i see my babies again and they come rushing to me and i hug them both and tell them how much i love them. You will have that too, but until then God will keep them safe for you.
I know how you are feeling. I still feel like this at times, it isn't fair!!! We plan and want our babies so much and just like that they are gone.
I agree with the normal, but the ladies are right our normal is different now. The sooner you are able to accept that I think the better you will feel. We will never be the same person we were before our loss. I know it is hard. Please come here anytime you need to vent. These ladies have been my heroes through all of this.
Anything that I would have said has pretty much been covered, but everyone here is right. Life becomes a different 'normal', but it can be a good normal. I am finding that out more everyday. I would give anything in this world to have my baby back, a healthy happy baby, BUT I am learning to appreciate the things I have learned about life and myself. No, I won't ever be 'ok' with what happened, it really just p*@#sses me off to be honest. I don't think it's fair, but for me...I have to start finding something, ANYTHING even kind of good that has come from it all. That's just the kind of person I am, and for me... I came from this, a new different Amy, I see a new compassion in me that I know will help someone, I see new understanding and new appreciation for life, I just have to hold on to the thought that maybe somehow, this will help me be a better mother to a child who stays with me one day, and anyone I can help along the way is a bonus. It hasn't been easy, and I don't always feel that way, but I do try to remind myself everyday. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry you have to go through this and no it isn't fair, but I hope that you find a way to cope that works for you and things get better, at least as much as possible.