Aiden Paul (14 oz) and Samuel Edward (12 oz) were born at 21w1d on Thursday, September 11. Aiden, born first, lived for only a few minutes, and Samuel lived for about 30 minutes. They were beautiful and perfect. My water broke Wednesday at 3:00 a.m. with no explanation, other than that I *might* have had an infection. My level 2 u/s just two weeks earlier showed a long and closed cervix with plenty of amniotic fluid for both babies. The babies were perfectly healthy, it was my body that for some reason failed them. I have a healthy son, Carter who is 3 years old. The doctors said my cervix should have been the same as it was with him, so really the only explanation could be an infection.
I was so incredibly excited for these boys. We conceived them through our second round of IVF, since when I was 5 months pregnant with DS, DH was diagnosed with testicular cancer. We banked some of his sperm and used it for IVF. I had just bought their carseats, double stroller, another crib mattress (the other crib was coming soon), crib bedding, tons of matching clothes, baby monitors, and all kinds of other baby things. My parents returned everything on Friday.
DH, my dad, and I met with the funeral home director on Saturday to pick out the casket. They will be buried together wrapped in a blanket that I have yet to pick out. We will be meeting with the cemetary tomorrow to pick out the spot and headstone. I can't believe I am having to do all of this.
The boys were due January 21st. I was going to quit my job as a part-time elementary music teacher after they were born to stay home with my 3 boys. It was a good excuse to leave my job, for which I didn't care much for these days. Now I don't have an excuse to leave.
DH is afraid to let us go through IVF again. He's afraid something like this will happen again. I've tried telling him I think it's a fluke, but I don't think he's convinced. He wants us to give a sibling to Carter, but he thinks we should adopt. I really want to try for another one of our own.
If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. I just needed to get it out. If you have any advice for me, I'm open. I, like all of you, never thought I'd be here. Everything with my pregnancy was perfect. There was no warning.
Oh, Sara, I am so sorry for your loss of Aiden & Samuel. It's so hard, and comes as a total shock. It's just so horrible.
In my case, I lost my babies early (m/c's between 8 and 10 weeks), so I have no wisdom to pass on about what might have happened, but please, please don't blame yourself or be angry at your body. Take it from me -- this is the worst thing we can do to ourselves. So please be gentle with yourself instead. And I have no doubt you're going to get lots of wisdom from other people on this board.
I'm glad you've written about this here. Recovery is a long road, but so much easier with an understanding and caring community -- which is what we have here. The people on this board are wonderful.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your boys. I lost my son, Damien, at full term. I can only say for now, give yourself and DH time to grieve over this loss in your life. Try to communicate open and honestly. You will go through a lot for a long time. It is not easy, but you can survive. Please come here any time that you need to.