I miss her but that isn't the cause

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
I miss her but that isn't the cause

I miss my daughter but I don't think that is the cause of all my anxiety and depression, how could it. I came to terms that I did everything I could to keep her inside of me for as long as I could. I know I will never see her again at least not on this earth. Why does this process have to be so hard for me. Is it because I delivered her so early. Should I have not held her tiny body? I don't think that is it. My therapist thinks it is and has referred me to someone who works with people with post tramatic stress disorder. I don't like that label.
I am just so scared that I am never going to be normal again. I miss my old self. I miss how happy I was when I was pregnant. I miss me. I am sick of taking meds that just make me tired. I still think my set back is normal, I had to deal with Christmas without my daughter and I am one week from AF and we all know how she messes with our emotions. I am just upset that my therapist doesn't think she can help me anymore, who gives up on their patients. I don't know if any of you have had this anxiety issue but any info would help. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it.

Robin

troynicole's picture
Joined: 12/06/07
Posts: 151

Robin-no, you will probably never be back to "normal" because none of us will-we will always have that hole in our heart. But that's ok-we are allowed! Smile You will become a different person but a stronger one. You will get back your happy self but you will always remember your daughter, as you should. As time goes on you will be able to maintain some sort of normal in your life-everything is still so fresh on your mind and you are right-the holidays just make everything come alive again. I know you hate the thought of a label of PTSS but don't think of it that way-let them treat you though and maybe it will help. You have been under a lot of stress and had a tramautic experience...but it is just a label that doctors have to give-it isn't anything bad and doesn't mean anyone else has to know. Just take one day at a time and you will get through it. I hope you have a good day today. Take care.

Nicole

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

:comfort: If you don't like your therapist, or think they aren't helping, change. You get to pick.

I agree, you will never be over this. This is now an event that will shape you for the rest of your life. It is part of your definition. Your daughter, and her short time here is a part of you and always will be. You don't have to get over it.

I think you did the right thing holding your daughter -- no parent ever wants to abandon their child when they need them the most. You needed to say hello and goodbye to her.

Jessa_2213's picture
Joined: 11/13/06
Posts: 129

Robin sweetie...don't feel bad for holding you daughter... or for not being able to hold her long enough. I've had to come to terms that there is nothing else we could do for our angels. I'm so sorry that your therapists are acting like they are giving up... I don't think that's very fair of them. Perhaps you should consider finding a new therapist... one that doesn't try to fob you off on others.
Don't feel bad about the label either... its their 'job' to label peoples problems, I'm sure that some of their patients feel better knowing what is the cause of their distress. I feel better when I have a 'label' just because it helps to understand that what I have is a real problems and not just something that I"m imagining or that I'm not going crazy. I had very severe PPD and post tramatic stress disorder after my first loss. I really was barely able to function...but through pg.org and other friends I came to realize that things I was feeling were completely normal and I wasn't crazy or worthless or a failure... so I was able to work through my problems and begin to function normally again. (I didn't get help from a therapist... I should have and probably could have 'healed' faster if I had... as it was it took me nearly a year to start feeling like myself again.)
:bighug: Big hugs Robin. I hope you begin feeling better soon and that you can work things out with your therapist.

~Jessa~

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

There isn't much more I can add. Everyone is right, you absolutely did the right thing by holding your daughter. I hope you can get to the point that you know that. I don't think we'll ever be 'normal' again. It's a new normal and it can be hard and stressful finding all the new facets of you. Each new day brings a new set of events and we never know which one is really going to get to us or even which one isn't. It's hard not feeling like you know yourself anymore and of course you have some anxiety. I have a little different spin on the therapist though. I can completely see how it could seem as if they were giving up, but maybe look it at like they feel they you have PTSD, and they feel that there is someone better to care for you. To me that isn't giving up on you, it's caring enough to know they can't give the BEST possible care. Kind of like a family care Dr. would refer to a Cardiologist even a Dermatologist, it's just more specialized care for the benefit of the patient. I know for a fact that if I were you, I would feel as if they were giving up too. But please try not to look at it that way. I'm sure your therapist cares for you as much as we do, and just wants to see you well. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.

:bighug:

Amy

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

Robin
I was just thinking about you a moment ago and thought I'd log on.

Don't let your self worry about a label. Perhaps a new therapist will be better able to help you deal with the anxiety.

I know I have mentioned it before but have you ever looked into a naturopath? Do you still have health coverage while you are on leave? It might be covered.

How are you spending your days? Do you get out of the house at all?

Sending hugs your way.
Antionette

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I really think I have PMDD. My symptoms are worse the week before and during AF. I never had that problem before. I got on Yaz bc to see if it would help and it did a little but not this month. I am having hot/cold sweats, nasuea, anxiety shakes. I mentioned it to the drs but he just increased what I was already taking. I am really having a hard time with this. I hate feeling this way.

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

Sweetie, your bad experience with your loss was a trigger for your depression, so it kind of is and isn't the cause if you know what i mean? It triggered this 'mental illness' (and you know that i say that with no negative connotations), but the cause of it is a brain chemical imbalance, maybe exaccerbated by hormones. Of course, i am no expert what so ever, but i know that mental illnesses like depression are something that is physical and treatable, rather than something caused by and limited to feelings about an event etc.

You could be right about the PMT thing. I have been very lucky not to suffer from clinical depression since our losses, but the one time of month i am really close is the week before AF is due. I am not usually bad with PMT, but i get really weepy, depressed, sad and sorry for myself. I truely think that the hormones cause that. I've started taking Evening Primrose Oil to help with those symptoms and Vitex to regulate my hormones a little better.

:bighug:

Hopefully you will find a cure for this honey, and you won't always feel this way. :comfort:

Sarah
Mum to...
:angel2: Zane. Delivered by c-section at 41 weeks. Died due to Vasa Praevia. 16-17 October 2006
:angel2: Ada. Delivered by c-section at 25 weeks. Her heart just stopped. No explanation. 7 September 2007
Co-Host of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

Unfortunately we all have to develope a new normal. However, in my non-professional opinion, I have to agree with your thoughts that this is a normal setback. I think that the holidays are stressful enough when all is right. This is our first with a huge hole in our family and in our hearts. AF is a b*tch on her own and on top of this must be a real doozy of a problem. As for your therapist, yes it can feel like you are being "dumped" but I think it is more of a case where you need someone more capable to deal with what you are going through. Yes, being diagnosed with PTSD is a crappy thing. I do believe that it can be a valid diagnosis in our cases. To say that it is because you held your tiny little angel, I am not so sure on that one. Only you can say whether or not that is the cause. I hope that you find the answers that you need and deserve. I wish you peace.

Shelly

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Honey,

You may be suffering from PPD and anxiety. Many women with PPD have worse symptoms around thier period time.

l/c ment.

I have PPD after my son Alex was born. I have also suffered from depression, but the anxiety was aweful. I could not sleep, even when Alex was sleeping for fear of something happening. Speak with your Dr about PPD and anxiewty. There are medications that can help. Also, try some Omega 3,6,9's they may help with the anxiety if you want the more natural route.