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  1. #1
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    Default i need help ladies

    hi my name is pennie and even though i have been reading the posts for awhile i just became a member. i dont know if this is the right spot to post this so please let me know. my daughter is 17 and 5 months pregnant. at 16 weeks h1 layer of her membrane broke, got put on complete bedrest and at 19 weeks the whole membrane broke. shes now 25 weeks and without the fluid her baby, my grandson elijah, really doesnt have a chance. my question is how can i start to prepare for the reality that her baby may not make it when she doesnt want to hear it? they just admitted her to the hospital again today til whenever they take the baby. she is totalyy against abortion and wheres shes at now they wouldnt do it anyway, its a catholic hospital. they are doing everything they can for her and the baby, but i think that its a lost cause. im sorry if i sound harsh, but i also have to take up the reality of the situation too. i already love this baby. i just dont know how to prepare her for this. any suggestions?

    thank you to everyone for listening to me rant.

    pennie

  2. #2
    Posting Addict Uropachild's Avatar
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    I am so sorry your family are having to go through this.

    As much as you are her mother and you want to help your daughter and prepare her in any way you can, i dont think you will be able to. All you can do is be there for her and try not to push her too hard to think negatively. She will know deep down that her baby isnt going to make it, if it's that obvious, but she probably isnt ready to accept it.

    She is going through a personal nightmare at the moment and it will only get worse once her son has gone. Please just listen to her and comfort her and dont keep telling her it's a lost cause.

    If she is still feeling positive then it wouldnt hurt to go along with her to make her feel better. You can't prepare her even a little bit for loosing a child. No one can! So do your best to humour her and just plain be there. So that when it happens she wont feel too much like you're saying 'i told you so'. She's going to really need to lean on you a lot and if you've hurt her by making her mentally loose this baby sooner than she is ready to do she wont be able to lean on you as much.


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    I agree with Sarah. As hard as it is for you, as I know you are already grieving... You need to be there for your daughter in a positive way.

    Maybe I can help you with what *not* to say, and what *to* say, to your daughter. I will post a few links. I am sure some of the other ladies will add their own personal thoughts as well...

    I know your daughter is 25 weeks preg. I don't know what you believe. But it sounds like maybe your daughter believes in God?? ...My own personal thoughts on this? Is if God wants that baby to live, regardless of what the doc's say, he will live. If not, he will go home to be with his heavenly Father.

    There is hope! I am sure there are many believers in that Catholic hospital that are holding on to it.....Praying for your grandson...Sounds like he is in good hands.

    Here are some of the links I mentioned..

    On the link below. Scroll down to *grief resources*...There is a wealth of info there.

    Also, just below that there is the section titled.... *Miscarriage/Infant Loss Memorial Jewelry and/or keepsakes, memorial boxes.* You will want to read through this information as well.

    http://www.pregnancy.org/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=613880

    What not to say??

    http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/miscar...a/aa101799.htm

    http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572_4057.asp

    What to say/do??

    http://www.ehow.com/how_6638_support-someone-has.html

    Hope this helps a bit...Please keep us posted if you can?? And if the unthinkable happens...When the time is right...Let your daughter know about us?? Maybe this would be a place that she would feel comfortable coming to...I hope so..

    to you...I am so sorry

    Marie

  4. #4
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    hey.
    I just want to say that all hope is not lost! It may be hard, but the LO can make it.
    The PP have give plenty of good advice.
    ET-remove siggy

  5. #5
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    Pennie,
    Im sorry for what your daughter is going through.
    Your daughters situation sounds similar to mine hopefully she has a better ending. I had a full rupture at 15w, never held any fluid. went into labour at 24w, my baby was born alive but with underdevloped lungs, he lived with help for 8 hours. Now saying that if your daugther can get closer to 28w all hope is not lost. Im presuming shes at a hospital with a high level NICU? and had steroids? whats her AFI been?
    As for her not wanting to hear that baby may not make it, i can only tell you how i felt, i knew it was a possibility but i couldnt handle thinking that every day so i looked for dates to focus on like making it to 28w. the further along in my preg i went i got my hopes up more but i just didnt make that crucial date. i wouldnt try to get her think about the worst case senario.
    As for preparing for a neo-natal loss, nothing can prepare you for this, all i can think to tell you is if this happens take advantage of the time you have with the baby, photos, video, kisses.
    also this website has a section on preparing for a neo-natal loss as well as some good and bad PPROM stories www.kanalen.org/prom

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    I'm so sorry that you and your family is going through this. PP have had some great suggestions so all I can add is my prayers for your grandson.

    Vickie

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    I am so very sorry for what your daughter and family are going through. I in no way want to give false hope, but there may be hope. There is a girl on the May 2007 board who's baby was born at 25 or 26 weeks and survived. I'm not sure of the circumstances of why the baby was born so early but the good news is that she survived!

    I agree with the previous posters who have said that there really is nothing you can say to your daughter to comfort her and make this more real. My DH and I had 4 days to prepare for losing our daughter before we went into the hospital but nothing we or anyone else said or did could possibly have prepared us for the moment when we actually lost her. The weeks following her loss were a blur for both of us.

    All I can suggest is to be there for your daughter and be encouraging and positive.

  8. #8
    Posting Addict CamelNoodle's Avatar
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    I am sorry for your family's situation and possible loss.

    We lost a baby in January. From September until then, we knew he had only a 1% chance to make it to be born alive. We held on to that chance and continued the pregnancy. But we knew he was going to die. Even though I knew it for so long, nothing could have prepared me for the anguish I felt when he died.

    I guess what I'm saying is that even if you try to "prepare" her, she'll still be in the same place. I'm sure she knows that the chances are slim, but let her enjoy the time she does have with her son, even if it is just while she is pregnant.

    If anything bad should happen, just be there for her. Don't forget to talk about her son and recognize him as a baby that was part of her (and your) life.

    Janel

  9. #9
    Posting Addict mommytime's Avatar
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    hello pennie
    a very kind women had sent me here to talk to you due to myself being in the same situation as ur daughter
    i have had 3 babies due to pprom (prolonged pre-mature rupture of membrains) the twins ruptured at 16 weeks, an my lil sacarii started leaking at 15 an fully ruptured at 20
    now due to the forum you have posted this topic in i dont think it would be appropriate or respectful if i were to go on about my children but i am so wanting to give u information on this an inform you that the outcome is not always losing ur baby
    please pm me an maybie we could exchange phone numbers an i would really like to speak with ur daughter, u can do this by hitting the pm button at the bottum of this message, also i post in a few diff forums an the women there would have no problem if we were to hijack it to help u an ur daughter during this emotional time, im on the december 06 board an also the pregnant an single board

    sorry ladies i was trying to talk as descrietly as possiable an im sorry if i have offended anyone by coming here i just feel that it would be a wonderful thing if i could give this family hope... take care everyone

    Dusti

  10. #10
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    Hello Pennie,
    I lost my baby Paeton when I was 20 weeks, 3 days pg. There was nothing that could have prepared me for that kind of pain and heartache.

    My best suggestion is for you to be there for her because she will need you more than ever. I know that w/o my friends and family letting me pour my heart out and being there for me, I would have never made it. My loss happened on March 13th and I still have my days where I am totally sad and depressed and I am sure I will have them forever.

    I don't think there is anyway to prepare someone for the loss of their child, but with support and love from the people they love it will make it easier.

    I will be praying for you and your daughter. You have joined a very supportive, caring board.

    Michelle

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