I think it's time to tell you the whole story. maybe it will explain the my feelings a little better because frankly I ma truly at my wits end and i am not sure what to do. You have all given me some GREAT advice but this is what i am up against. The reason why i do not have the support system at home with my husband is because he believed that my boss, Jim was the father of the baby. It all started when I lost the baby. I called my work to let them know what happened. I went in the next day to get flowers to arrange and some people knew what happened. A week later, I went in with my mom to get some groceries. She thought that it would be beneficial to me to get out of the house and see some of my friends. While we were cashing out, A girl asked me how my baby was doing. I instantly started to cry like a baby and i told her that the baby was dead. Of course she fgelt horrible and very uncomfortable. my mom explained to her what happened. I was so angry that Jim did not let everyone know at work that i suffered a loss. To make matters worse, I did not even get a card or a phone call. I was extremely hurt. A week later, i went in to get my disability check and i saw that i had a raise. I thought that this was strange because i was not even due for one until June 6th and this was April. As angry and hurt as i was, I went to Jim and asked him about the raise. i told him that i thought that there was a mistake in my check. He winked at me and said that that it was for cost of living. I said really? and he said yes and winked again. I thought that this was his way of helping me out because I was only getting $23.00 in my check. I thanked him and he said that i was welcome. So, I immediately became less angry. I had my 3rd surgery on April 30th, the day after the baby's funeral. I was having a hard time healing and i was now on medication for the PPP. amongst other meds so having any alcohol was not in my best interest. I went to a graduation party with my husband and at the same bar, my work was having a party for someone leaving. (Nice of them to let me know). But i was there to have fun at the graduation party. I was in pain because I was still full of staples and not healing the fastest but I decided to have a beer anyway. I thought that it would help me relax. While sitting at the bar, the co- manager, Jeff came up to order a beer and I started talking to him. He asked me how i was doing and i explained the whole surgery bit and I was anxious to get back to work. I thanked him for the raise and that it was a huge help and i thought that he and Jim were awesome for helping me. Well he told me that everyone got a raise. I was really suprised and again felling hurt. I started crying and he asked me what was wrong. i told him the whole story with jim and how he left me to believe that this was something that they did for me to help me out.He was very apologetic to me and eventually walked away. I think my crying was getting to him. he does not like to see a girl cry. So, beer in my hand, I went out to have a cigarette. (I started back up after I lost the baby. I quit when i found out that i was pregnant). I was outside alone and I started to calm down when Jim walked out to have a cigar. I walked up to him and again "thanked" him for my raise. He responded by saying that it was the least that he could do. I replied "like the least you could do for everbody"? he looked at me really wierd and said yes. I asked him how much the rasies were for , he said 10 cents to 25 cents and I said or 50 cents like me? He asked me what was i getting at. I blew up crying and yelling at him. I told him that he had no right making me believe that he did something for me because he felt bads for me and he kept saying "babe listen to me" I told him no that i was not going to listen so while i kept ranting and crying, some other assoicates walked outside to see what was going on. finally he said that this was not the time or place for this and he walked away. I walked back in to the bar and my husband asked me wha was wrong. i told him that i wanted to leave. At he same time, Jim was leaving. I guess i ruined the part for him also. The next day, mother's day. i went in to the store and i had some people come up to me and say that they heard about what happened at the bar the night before. I asked them what they were talking about. The ysaid abou you telling Jim that you were in love with him and I got angry and turned me down so i went off on him. I said that this was not the case and it was personal. I told my husband and he said that to just ignore it. Well, I was no longer on speaking terms with my boss. I was so hurt and angry. he asked my husband if i was still being a b*tch or if I was better. My husband said that he did not know and he would have to aske me himself. well he chose not to by the look on my face. While in therepy, my counselor told me to writew him a letter about how i felt and why i felt that way. So i did and I went t osee him and we both sat down and he read it. he apologized to me and said tha he did not tell anyone about the baby because he thought that it was a personal medical issue and it was up to me to tell everybody. I told him that i understood and we left it at that. he called me a jackass(his nickname for some of us) and went to work. Well I still had a feeling of discontentment so when i got home, i called him. And we talked for a while, he asked me why I was so angry at him and not the co manager. I told him that i cared for him as well as some of the others that i work closely with and that i did care for Jeff but not as much as him because i do not work as closely with him. He said that he cared for me also and that he hoped that we would be alright.I told him that i felt better about everything and we started to talk about me coming back to work when the time was right. A few days later, my husband and myself went in to the store and while i started to get groceries, Jim pulled my husband aside and told him that i was telling everyone that i was in love with him and i knew where he lived. He said that he was concerned for me and my husband needed to speak with me. I knew nothing abou this conversation that the ywere having so i was totally floored when my husband asked me if there was something that i wanted to say to him. Of course i denied the whole thing because it was not true. I got home and I called Jim and we had a huge yelling match. I told him that it was disgusting to suggest such a thing and he said "yeah you are right it is disgusting". The next day i turned him to HR for what he was telling my husband and honestly making for a hostile work enviroment. I was suppoed to go back to work in a couple of weeks and I was not sure how I was going to with this embarrasment. EVERYONE was talking about it. HR called Jim and they came up with a decision that if I came back to work , iwas to go in and do my job. No gossiping. I was angry because i was not talking to anyone. How could i? I was out of work and only going in there with my husband. So again iwrote a letter to him because i was humiliated and i wanted to clear the air because honestly I was not sure how to go in there and face everyone. My boss would walk passed me as if i was not even there. like he did not even know me. A week before i was supposed to go back to work, my incision opened back up. They could not stitch me up because of risk of infection so they packed it and i was layed up for another 6-8 weeks!. That gave me and him time to calm down. I went in to give him my doctor's note and I asked him if we could sit down and talk before i come back to work. he said that that would be fine and he told me to come in on Monday. So Monday morning, I went in there and talked to him with the co manager present. He did not want to be left alone with me and honestly, i did not want to be left alone either. I started to tell him that i did not say such a thing and he stood up, got in my face literally and said "you are starting to fu**en pi*s me off! The co manager sttod up, got between us and told him to sit down and for us to act like adults. By the time the meeting was done, i told them that when and IF i decioded to come back, i would let them know. And i walked out. Well, i did go back and ever since, we have had our ups and downs. as i said, my husband thinks that Jim was the father of the baby and throws it in my face all of the time and it is all because of what happened at the bar that night. My boss, is really supportive of me most of the time. He is really concerned about my health and is doing everything he can to make me feel better but last night he threatened to fire me if i said "whatever" to him 1 more time. He said that i was being disrespectful to him. So, as you can see. I am at my wits end with home life and work life. I am not sure what to do. I am not going ot get any support from my husband with the anniversary of OUR baby's death. And my boss is being a total jerk to me once again. (it is at least twice a week) So, how am i supposed to get through this with noone?
You have been through alot..and definitely dont need more stress. I am sorry your sweet baby is not here.
Is there anyway you can transfer or work at a different place? I am not sure I'd want to continue to work in that kind of environment.
Be gentle with yourself.
Hannah Rae 08/94
Liam Patrick 04/95
Ava Rene 12/04 Born into Heaven 30 wks
Beckett William 05/07-Hope Restored
Hayden Tevis 03/09 Baby girl, Loved 19 wks
Honey, I am sorry for your loss.
If you decide to go back to work you need to set definite boundaries between you and your boss. IMHO, he does not sound that supportive and seems to be stirring up trouble in your life. One can have a “friendly” relationship with your supervisors, but many time run into trouble when you try to be true friends.
Try to re-focus on you and healing, both emotionally and physically.
*whew* That is a horrible burden for you. Along with your loss you are dealing with a stressful environment at both work and at home.
Hon, I know that this may not be what you want to hear but I really believe for both YOUR emotional healing and that of your family/marriage, that perhaps it is best for you to separate from this particular job situation. I know how very difficult that finding a job may be. That said, right now the situation between you and your boss have created such a hostile work environment AND is contributing to the destruction of your relationship with your husband. I wish that you had received more support -- both from the co-manager and from Human Resources. BOTH should have set some clearly defined boundaries for you and Jim's sake. Not having those has allowed this back and forth to continue in a way that honestly, isn't best in the workplace in general and for you in particular. I do not understand the motivation behind the stories that Jim has shared and it was extremely wrong (in my opinion) for him to discuss this with your husband vs. you WITH the H.R. rep.
((((((((HUGS))))))) Please know that I'm not blaming you or in any way questioning your story. You have no reason to not be truthful with us.
Please feel free to take the rest of this with a grain of salt:
I think you need to take a step back now and see where this has left you. By continuing to hold onto a job where a boss has clearly taken advantage of his position of authority inappropriately -- despite the concerns and -- from what you have shared -- doubts that he has planted with your husband... it is seeming to choose to continue THAT relationship (for lack of a better term) over the one you have with your husband.
I don't think you should just quit. I really believe that you should reach out to your husband. Let him know that you love him and that you are hurting over the loss of YOUR child together. Explain that you have been scared to quit (for whatever the reason), but that you no longer want this to be something that is coming between you. Ask for his support and continue to maintain the truth. Have him help you draft a letter of resignation to the H.R. department and cite the reasons you have given them already as well as what you have posted here. I would not advise any more personal communication to your boss -- via email, phone, or other written communication as that only seems to serve to feed things further.
Unfortunately it sounds like you not only have to heal after your loss and -- at least for now -- you are having to cope without your dh's support/understanding. I'm so very sorry that is the case but again, know you are not alone. For various reasons, many others that have experienced a loss also have to journey alone. Please DO follow through with how YOU want to honor your baby and know that whatever you decide is ok, nor does it mean that she is any less loved.
Finally - realize that this is a lot to work through. You are trying to deal with it all as a big picture... which indeed it is what you have to deal with. Still, in order to cope and work through, it may help you if you focus on only one part at a time vs. taking it all on at once. Try starting with your dh.
Know you are in my thoughts and prayers. And Tina - thank you for sharing the "rest of the story". I do hope that it helped you in doing so.
Everyone else has said it so well.
I am sorry that you have these extra stressors to deal with. But I agree with the others, for the sake of your own mental well being, and for your relationship with your husband, you can not continue to work in that environment. Hugs!
Well, things did not go as planned with my boss. I wrote him a letter regarding myself no longer working with him on Sunday and why I came up with this decision. Knowing that he would not be there on Sunday because all of us managers have that day off, I went in and I slipped the envelope under his door. I felt a little anxious but I truly thought that it was the best thing for everyone involved. I went into work on Monday morning for inventory and I was finished by 7am. I went outside for my 1st break and his car was not there. He is usually there by 7 so i thought that it was going to be a very stressed free day and it would give me more time to think of what i was going to say to him when he questioned me. Around 7:30, I went to put my inventory booklet in his office and HE was the one who answered the door. He took the booklet from me and closed the door in my face. No "good Morning" or anything. I was so glad that I was leaving. But I was still upset for the way he was treating me so i went back outside to calm down. I knew that it was going to be a very long 2 weeks. While outside, I hear him page me. I went in and called him back. he answered and said "Tina Tina Tina TSK TSK TSK SIGH" and he did this a few times so i finally spoke up and said "what do you need" He said "what am I going to do with you baby girl" I asked him what he meant and he said "the note". I asked him what about it. He told me that he would never fire me unless i was caught stealing, he thinks that i have come a long way since I first started and my skin is a lot thicker than it used to be. He said that I am a huge assett to the company and the only reason he said that he was going to fire me for saying whatever is because he hates that word more anything and it is the worst thing that he would have said to him. He me that he cares for me a great deal along with everyone in the building and that he would continue to work with me on my personal life as well as my work life. He also said that he really appreciated everything that i said about him. So, I talked to my husband and i am going to give it 1 more shot. I did make it clear to another manager that this is the LAST tim that i am going to do this. The next time anything is said, I will not even give a notice. I will walk out right then and there. He has been great since but it has been only 2 days. My husband does not want me to quit now because we need the money. I asked him if itwas possible for him to keep the jealousy at bay and he assured me that he could so I guess it is just a waiting game now. In the mean time, I am currently looking for another job I am hoping to find one with the same pay and benefits but so far nothing. As far as my appointments with my ENT specialist, I go Friday. And as far a tomorrow goes, I am dreading it more than anything. It will be 2 years tomorrow since we lost Jamie. I am going out tonight to buy some things for the cemetary. Jim told me to take tomorrow off and he would call me if need be but I have to miss part of Friday so I am going to try and go to work. thanks to all of you have given me advice I truly appreciate it.
That does not sound like a very healthy relationship. He is going to work on you? What is keeping you there?
I agree with Missy, it sounds okay for now, but could quickly get worse. It is great that you are looking, keep looking, looking as if you don't have a job at all, because I want better for you!
To me your relationship with your boss sounds very much like one in which he is sexually harrassing you. The fact that he calls you babe, and the comments about "caring about you" are rather inappropriate even though he says he cares about everyone else. With the history you have described it is a very damaging relationship to you both professionally and it sounds like it is also damaging your marriage. GL, and I hope you are able to find a new job soon.
honestly, I love the job. It's just my boss that I have a hard time with. I am going to continue looking for other employment. I have really good pay and benefits and right now with my husband being cut from 45 hours to 25 hours, every penny is needed. This job is a dream job for me. When i started out there, I was working in General Merchandise stocking shelves. When i went out of medical leave, I came back as a bagger and extremely unhappy. Now i am a Floral manager with a certificate in Floral Design. I do a lot of weddings and funerals and have a clientele of people who come in every week wanting arrangements. This job believe it or not is the only thing that i have as an escape from the real world. I am hoping that for now, changing my schedule to be working when he isn't will be beneficial to me until i find something else. Right now, my husband is being supportive of it. He agrees that we really cannot afford for me to leave as of right now. He was glad that Jim talked me out of quitting. Looking at it through different eyes, i can see that this is truly an unproffesional relationship and extremely unhealthy. it took all of you to show it to me. noone else has made the comments that each of you have and I see just how bad it really is. Another option i have is transferring to another floral shop in one of our sister stores. When I go to work today, i am going to work on that. I want to thank you all for the advice and comments.