I'm Miscarrying.

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cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126
I'm Miscarrying.

Hey. I just got back from the Drs. who confirmed that I am, as I write, miscarrying. I don't think I have ever been in this much pain (emotionally, not physically). I've had a hard time with my sex life. Last year I went for tests for endometriosis. I have all the symptoms but not actually the disease. I do have scar tissue above my cervix though that makes sex either not enjoyable or outright painfull depending on the day. I was so glad to finally be pregnant. I felt like, at least I can do this part of womanhood. I guess not. It wouldn't be so bad exept that I'm all alone here. My hubby and I just moved to Edmonton from Ontario. We don't know anyone here but one Uncle and each other. My hubby is not being very supportive. I know he doesn't mean to be so cold, but he's just under the impression that whatever happens is meant to be and we'll get over it, move on and all that. He doesn't understand why I'm dwelling on the pain. He gets annoyed that I can't move on and be happy for all the good things that are happening right now (his new job, our house back home finally selling so we can afford to buy groceries). But all those things seem so small and, well, pointless. I had a life inside me and now, I don't. What could possibly make up for that and make the pain less? I can't decide if I'm angry or sad. I'm sorry for rambling. Thanks for listening.

Joined: 06/10/07
Posts: 1692

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's just so heartbreaking. Talk all you want here.



Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

its hard to get over when you get that reminder every time you go to the bathroom. its hard to get over something that isnt over. its been almost 2 weeks for me and i'm doing better than i ever thought i would at the beginning. sorry your hubby isn't being as supportive as you need. i find that being as blunt as possible works for me just tell him you need him to hold you for a while and maybe talk about it and maybe he needs to deal with the fact that him being ok doesnt make it over for you.

lanlaiely's picture
Joined: 10/03/07
Posts: 26

I've been there too. It was so hard for me to get through. Honestly, I don't know if it's something that I'll ever fully get over. I still have my angry days. I have gone through many angry days, even when I thought that I was over it. I didn't want to hear people tell me that "it was for the best" or "These things happen for a reason" because to me, it made me feel like people were saying that it was better for my child to not be born at all if they were going to be born with a defect or disability. That didn't matter to me. I wanted my baby and would have accepted my baby in any condition.

Two things that I want you to keep in mind is this.

1. You were able to conceive. That in itself puts ahead of the game. Many people out there can't even get to that point. So that means that you and your husband have the ability to get to that stage.

2. If this was your first pregnancy, I'm coming to learn that the first pregnancy is often miscarried. It might not have anything at all to do with your condition. When I miscarried, I as told that 30 percent of women miscarry their first. That the number is probably a lot higher than that because of those women who miscarry and don't know it. A first miscarriage is SO much more common that I ever realized.


I hope things get better for you.

ducknjay's picture
Joined: 10/11/05
Posts: 71

I am so very sorry!!! It's so hard to process it all and it's even harder to explain to the people around you why it hurts so bad. But we just feel it so much more than everyone else. You are not alone and post here whenever you need to!

Hang in there sweetie!

EmmyG's picture
Joined: 02/03/08
Posts: 34

I already PMed you. I'm so sorry to see you over here. Sad

I just want to point out that miscarrying doesn't make you bad at womanhood. Unfortunately, as we all know, dealing with the physical and emotional pain of a m/c is as much a part of the womanhood gig as periods and pregnancy. In fact, I think that having to face this pain makes us the strongest and most womenly of women. So please don't be too hard on yourself.

If you are religious, a local place of worship might be a good place to start for finding a support group. Your healthcare provider may also be able to get you in touch with a group or counselor. It's important for you and DH both to have people you can talk to IRL. I know there's lots of support here, but sometimes you just need a real hug.

In the meantime, I'm sending you a million of these:

SparkleMomma's picture
Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 648

Hiya Hon. Like I said in my PM I am sorry that you are here. You already know that I am in Edmonton too, but I had no idea y ou were just new here. I can PM you my number if you would like to chat in person.

MC is not fun & I hate to think that you are there alone. I am sorry about DH too. My SO handled my losses very differntly than me too & I know how hard that is. Men do greive differently than we do, for the most part.



Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm with you heart and soul. I am so sorry that you're going through an m/c right now -- I am so very sorry for your loss.

I agree with what the women wrote above, and I'm so glad you're writing about it here. I also know how tough it is to find face-to-face support -- I live in a small town. The whole experience of m/c is so horrible, let alone when you feel there's no one you can turn to. That's why it's really good that you're here -- we all understand what it's like -- tragically, we've all been there. But also: we all care, and we're going to help you through this.

Regarding your DH, I agree that men grieve differently. I remember how it bothered me that my DH didn't shed a tear when I m/c'd. But one night I had gone to bed early, and his friend rang -- I couldn't help but overhear DH telling his friend about how sad he was that we had m/c'd (DH was in the next room,and the bedroom door was open). The next morning I gave DH a big hug and mentioned I'd overheard this (he'd thought I was asleep). DH then told me that he didn't feel he could openly grieve our loss because he was concerned that, if he had done so, it would have compounded my grief. You see, it was out of love that he had held it in. Poor fella!

Grief is really hard on men too, because:
1. They're socialized to "not cry" (so they have to stuff all those feelings in);
2. They're not as naturally equipped to talk about what's on their mind (this really is a "female brain" advantage that we benefit from); and
3. They're also socialized that they have to 'fix' things. And since they can't fix m/c's, they're at a loss. They don't know what to do or say. [This is also why they have a hard time coping with our tears in general -- because they can't 'fix' them].

Men grieve our m/c's too. It's happening to our bodies, inside of us -- so the m/c is the most "real" to us. And we connected with our baby since we first found out we were pregnant -- much more than the dad-to-be -- because we're mindful of everything we eat, do, etc. We bond with the baby right away, but men bond later. So we are more connected to the little one from day one. Please don't think your DH isn't in pain too: he is.

In the meantime, please keep on writing in. Tell us what's going on, and we'll help you. I m/c'd in Dec. 2002 and didn't discover this board till April 2006 -- they were the darkest years of my life, because I felt so alone. Since coming here, it's been way, way, way better. This is such a healthy place to be, this board: a community of love and healing.

I'm with you in spirit, and wish I could be there with you right now. We all care about you, and we're here for you.


StephanieJune's picture
Joined: 01/19/08
Posts: 103

Nicole really said it all, quite well. I just want to add my hugs.
:bighug: :bighug::bighug:

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so very sorry. Please come here and let out anything that you may need to.


cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

Thank you all very much. It's good to know that there is somewhere to vent where people won't say silly things or think I'm crazy. The hubby is great, but sometimes, I just need more. Thanks.

rubber_da_glove's picture
Joined: 12/31/07
Posts: 1527

:bighug: I'm so sorry for your loss