I feel so restless. I am so anti-medicine but I think I will take a sleeping pill so I can get a full nights rest tonight. I hate the night time. I hate sitting up and thinking about Zara being dead when I should be sitting up nursing her and watching her sleep.
I am feeling so pissed off. At so many people. At the unfairness of the whole situation.
I feel so alone. And empty.
I miss my little baby Zara.
Sometimes I think I feel her moving. Then I realize she is not in there anymore.
In 4 hours it will be 5 weeks since she died.
It has been 5 weeks since I last felt her move and last heard her sweet heart beating.
I am so at a loss for what I am supposed to do.
I was ready to be a mom. I was so ready. Everything was ready.
My arms are so empty. I don't know what to do now.
I need my baby.
I long for her.
I read in People about some movie star that had her baby and her baby was 7lbs 10ozs just like Zara was. Why is her baby alive and mine dead and buried?
I wish I had held her for longer and more than just that once.
I wish I had dressed her myself.
I wish I had seen her in her Christianizing gown that she was buried in. I bought that months before she was born and dreamed about the day she would be baptized. Why did she have to die and be buried in it? Why did she have to be baptized the day she was born and died?
Tomorrow will be exactly 4 weeks since her funeral. No parent should ever have to bury their child.
I feel so guilty that I was scared to hold her and touch her.
I would kill to have her back. I would do anything.
I wish I had gotten to hear her cry just once even.
I wish I had kissed her more.
I wish I could have seen her alive.
I wish I had more than pictures, foot/hand prints and a wisp of hair. I want her.
I wish I didn't have to see that pain and sorrow in my husband's eyes.
Oh God I wish she was f*&$ing alive. She was so beautiful and so perfect.
I wish I was someone else.
I could keep going on and on. I'll come back and continue soon I'm sure. I don't know how to deal with all these feelings I have. I feel so alone.
I am so sorry you're hurting. My heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine losing a baby at the stage that you did or the pain you must be feeling. If I could, I would give you a big hug. My thoughts are with you.
I am so sorry that Zara is not with you. I completely empathize with every word of your list. I too delivered a stillborn child. It is devastating to lose your child. I went through nearly everything that you mentioned on your list. (Damien was cremated, not buried). I don't have any magic words for you to make it all better. They just don't exist. I can only suggest that you allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that are flooded your mind and soul right now. Be angry, be sad, be jealous, be judgemental of others. It all comes with the territory. Time will help you to adjust. If you need an ear, or a shoulder, or anything feel free to pm me at any time.
I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. You are a mom though, unfortunately you are a different kind of mom. I wish that wasn't the case. It does get easier but it still hurts. I think of Lily everyday.
I am So Sorry You feel Alone You are not alone & all your feelings are OK to feel You have every right to mad, sad & even angry that Zara is not with you It is NOT fair & it is NOT right that we had to bury our babies I felt ALL those exact feelings you wrote & feel now. I can remember the intense pain & agony to have my baby in my arms just ONE more time The wonder & the wishes never end. But they get easier to deal with. My DD Anna would be 8 & I still wish I would of held her longer & still wish I could of heard her cry. I wonder what she would look like & what she would sound like if she was her. I still think of her everyday & telll everybody or anybody her story. I miss her everyday. But the pain eases & you learn to live the the missing piece of your heart. I explain it to poeple as there is alway an empty chair at my table. You may not see it but I do everyday no matter where I am.
You are NOT Alone Sweetie I am So Sorry your Precious Zara died My heart aches for you.....Take Life hour by hour, day by day till your heart feels ready breath again Take a sleeping pill & get a little rest.....If nothing else atleast you can sleep a bit tonight. It does get easier......The pain eases into a more subtle heartache I promise All My Love to You & Your Precious Zara PM me Anytime to vent...chat....cry....ANYTIME
Anna Kiara 8-28-1999 S/B at Fullterm due to a 4X Nuchal Cord Accident
Last edited by SAHM2AZL&K; 01-26-2008 at 07:07 PM.
Im so sorry for your pain. I soo remember feeling pain that sounds just like yours, the day I had my son Christopher, and 2 days later, the day of his funeral. I couldnt sleep, couldnt eat, couldnt think, hated the world, and everyone in it. Would wake up and sit up thinking it was just a nightmare, reaching for my belly, only to realize, it wasnt a nightmare, it was reality, and it was soooo much worse than any nightmare I had ever had. I will never understand why our angels are chosen. I hope you will find some peace soon. It is an awful journey, but there will be good days again. Your pain will never be gone- but in time, I hope you will find peace and happiness again, it has almost been 11 years since I went through this, and we have gotten through it!! We often cry over our loss, we visit him often at the cemetery, we love him every minute, and miss him at every holiday and birthday party, but we are still ok. I hope you will be too!
I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I wish there was something that one of us could say to make it easier for you. I dont think there is unfortunately. Allow yourself to feel all of those things you are feeling and dont feel guilty about it for one minute. Its not fair- you should be holding your sweet little girl. Thinking of you.
I don't mean to sound too dramatic, but you are on a journey now...a journey no one should have to travel...but way to many of us have had to. Everyone's journey is different, but I can tell you that I have experienced many of the same feelings...and sometimes still do.
I know everyone says it and I am sure you get tired of hearing it, but it does get better. I remember "knowing" that it would get better and just wishing I could fall asleep for 3 to 6 months and wake up feeling less pain. Even now, I still will be walking in a store and hear "Chasing Cars" on the radio and start to tear up because it is the song we played at Beckett's memorial. I have to turn the song when I hear it on the radio in the car or I might have to pull over.
:::QUICK CHILD MENT::::
Even though I now have two beautiful babies, I sit here today, crying....crying for you and Zara, for Sarah, Star, myself...all of us who have to visit this board.
...and no matter what, I do want you to know I think about you often and I haven't forgotton Zara. You are not alone.