I'm supposed to be "over it" (TTC ment - other people's PG ment)
I mean, I was only 4w6d when I miscarried, so I should be "over it" by now, right? Or at least that what it seems like people around me think. I just keep thinking, I should be over 6 wks pg by now. I should be planning for our second little one. I'd like to TTC again, but I really should wait until March for logistical reasons. And then to make matters worse, I really don't have a job (the one I am supposed to have has no work for me) and I am pretty well done with law school - I just have a paper to write, so I have NOTHING to do. NOTHING. It is hard to get my mind off having lost my baby. And now, to make matters worse, I think I CAUSED it. The new study out abt caffeine and pg makes me think my 4 cup-a-day habit is what caused my m/c. I'm really down. I don't know how to get through this. Now my DH is pressuring me to find another job, and I am really scared and nervous about that. I would also like some time to heal from this loss. I just feel so helpless. So out of control. I don't know how to get back into control. I don't know how to move on. Ugg.
Oh ya, and I am having such a hard time posting on my birth board. It seems like everyone is pregnant. I want to be happy for all the ladies, but I can't help but feel a bit resentful and honestly, jealous. Well, I guess that's all I have to say.
Jennifer-you will probably never be over it...you will always remember what would have been and how it was to be pregnant. don't beat yourself up over the whole caffiene thing-before this whole thing came out they kept saying caffiene didn't cause m/c...it will go back to that one day-it seems doctors are always looking for reasons but there is no proof. there's really no way to tell. your feelings are so natural and justified...i know i feel jealous whenever i see a pregnant woman, hear about someone finding out they are pregnant, etc. it's ok to feel that way. i know it seems like it won't get better, but it will in time. you won't ever forget, but it will get easier. just hang in there...and come here and vent all you want!
Reading your post made me tear up. I am so sorry you are in this awful place. I lurked on the Sept. board today and it was hard to read those posts that were so happy and exciting. I was only on the board a few short weeks, but I felt connected to everyone even if it was just over the internet. I guess I'm just writing this to let you know that you are so not alone in your grief. You deserve to take whatever time you need to just grieve. One good friend told me today to expect to feel very sad and depressed in the next few weeks. She told me to allow myself to feel whatever I feel (and not fight it or ignore those feelings) because in the long run it will make it easier to move forward.
I wish I could give you a hug, so you could give me one too. We're in need of those right now. I'll be thinking of you.
Last edited by Marchmom-to-be; 01-23-2008 at 12:03 AM.
I am so sorry you feel like this, and can totally understand where you are coming from - im there too! Just remember that we did not lose an embryo, or a foetus, we lost our baby. We lost our hopes and dreams and all that we had planned. I honestly dont think we ever get 'over' it, I think in time we just move on cause we have no other choice.
I have had so many insensitive comments that I just avoid people now (had my d &c on Fri, and none of my family have even come to visit since - just one good friend) I keep being told I should just forget it now!!! (oh yeah, cause its just that easy!)
I also completely understand what you mean about the caffeine thing. I have been convinced I caused mine as I drank quite alot of pepsi max over Christmas, and ate loads of chocolate. I actually even posted about this on my birth board whilst I was still pg, as I had not realised pepsi max even contained caffeine. A couple of weeks after that post, I found out about my missed miscarriage. I just cant stop thinking about it and blaming myself. I wont touch caffeine if I ever get pg again. However, even though I feel this way, I still think its probably unlikely and we never know the cause of our losses. Dont be too hard on yourself, there will be millions of pg women drinking coffee and eating chocolate as we speak, and their babies will be just fine. My mum drank loads of coffee with me, and smoked, and im fine. Whilst I obviously dont advise that, I can see that sometimes we are made to fear and worry over every little thing that we do. Dont blame yourself, it will do you no good. You are already a fantastic mother for caring so much, and for being here mourning the loss of your baby. Huge hugs to you.
I don't think that any of us will be "over" our losses ever. I think that we will find a way to adapt to our new normal and to function without our missing angel(s) debilitating us. Those who have not been through a loss just don't get it. It hurts, but I am thankful for their ignorance. I cannot imagine how I would handle being faced with everything that you have on your plate right now. The only advice I can give is to try to be as honest as you can in communication with your husband without making yourself feel cheated or making him feel like he may be bullying you. I hope that didn't come across wrong. I am not sure how to articulate what I mean. I wish you peace and strength. Congrats on law school!!! That is such a huge deal. Although you may not believe it right now, you are an amazingly strong woman. Hang in there.
First of all, sweetie, you didn't cause your miscarriage. At 5 weeks pregnant, a baby is still relying on the yolk sac and the umbilical cord is only just beginning to form, so any caffeine you ingested would not have been passed to your baby. Please, please do not feel guilty over this. There is nothing you did to cause or deserve this. Even ingesting large amounts of caffeine in a more progressed pregnancy would be very unlikely to cause a miscarriage.
Second, your loss is no less of a loss just because you were only 5 weeks. Women bond emotionally the instant they learn they are pregnant. You had plans and dreams for your little one, just like any other mother. You have every right to grieve. Besides, people would still be just as insensitive, even if you had been further along. Everyone around me, including my husband, acted like I should get over my loss in about a week. And I was four months along. So, you see, it isn't the length of your pregnancy. It's having people around you that have never suffered a loss and don't understand it isn't something you just "get over."
As for your husband and him wanting you to find a new job, he probably is just concerned about you and wants you to have something to take your mind off of your loss. He might think a job would be good for you as it would give you something new to be excited about. His heart is probably in the right place.
I hope you take all the time you need to heal, and in the meantime, come here whenever you need to talk to people who understand!
When I talked to my m/w about my m/c, she said that as soon as you POAS and she a + you are a mom. It doesn't matter how old the baby was when you lost it--you were still a mom to that child.
DH said that when a plane crashes, it doesn't matter if it was at take-off or landing--you still grieve.
I know what you mean about our birthboard and all the pg women on it--it is depressing. I have had a hard time posting on those threads and some I don't even read...
I am sorry about your job sit. but your DH maybe thinks that you would feel better with a job to think about? IDK
I freaked out when I read about theat caffeine study too because I drink tea, which was included in the study.
One of my co-workers is pg and she was complaining about how "fat" she was and it made me so sad...
Remember you can always come here to talk--we understand, unfortunately
I agree with all the ladies...I don't think you should be over it and I don't think you ever will be over it. Just take things a day at a time and I ensure you that eventually you will feel like your life is back on track and you are doing what you should be doing. Also, please don't beat yourself up about the coffee drinking...I know it is easy to blame ourselves for these things, but I truly don't think there is anything any of us can do to prevent these things from happening.
Hang in there girl.
I agree with all the other ladies,
I lost my LO at 9 weeks and sometimes feel I don't really belong on this board because really he was very little, BUT.....we lost our babies, we had hopes for them, we had already started to get very excited. As time goes by things do start to get easier, but you will have days (like I am having today) when the loss seems greater and you miss the baby like crazy!
You need to take time to get over your loss, I didn't go into work for over a month, but I tried not to sit too much, I went on lots of walks with friends and family and went shopping.
Take time and don't let anyone push you before you are ready.