I don't think I ever actually posted over here. It wasn't an active board back in 2003 when I lost my first two angels.
Anyway, here is my story. My name is Dearbháil and I found out today that I'm going to soon be mum to a third angel. I have two living children, a DD aged 3 and a DS 20 months. My first pregnancy ended in m/c at 8 weeks diagnosed on u/s - baby died about 5 weeks. Second pregnancy was also a missed miscarriage diagnosed on u/s at 8 weeks at what should have been a 'reassurance scan'. After my second loss I had testing and discovered to have a chromosome (genetic) problem and for a long time we weren't sure we would be able to have children at all or whether they would be healthy. Thankfully after a year long TTCAL journey, we managed to conceive DD and though it was a very anxious pregnancy, she was born healthy at term. We decided to TTC again straight away after she was born given the previous problems and were lucky to conceive when she was 10m old. The first half of DS's pregnancy was difficult with a major haemorrhage at 10w and then daily heavy bleeding for the next 6 weeks, but he pulled through and was also healthy and born at term.
This pregnancy came after 5m TTC and was going well until about 2 weeks ago when I had a small bit of bleeding. I had a scan the next day which showed a gestation sac, but no heartbeat, but given I was only 6 weeks, they said it might just be too early. I've had worsening m/s since and managed to believe that we might pull through this one as well, but I went back for my re-scan this morning and there was no growth and the gestation sac now looks irregular in shape, so it seems this baby has probably stopped developing around the time I had the bleed. I should have been 9 weeks.
I'm absolutely devastated. I mean, with the chromosome problem and with where we were 5 years ago, thinking we might never have a healthy child I do realise that we are absolutely blessed to have not only one but two healthy children and we thought long and hard about whether to go through the risk of loss that comes along with trying again, but we really wanted a third, still do. I know we will try again when the time is right and eventually we will likely manage to have a third living child, but I don't want to try again. I wanted THIS baby.
We thought we were going into this with our eyes open, that we would somehow be 'prepared' for another loss. That it wouldn't hurt so badly because we would be able to see it coming, but that love and bonding and hope starts the second you see those two lines. You can't not love the life growing inside you or stop yourself from thinking of future life as a family. Yes, logically we never expected to have two consecutive successful pregnancies and it was probably lunacy to expect that we might have three, but that doesn't stop the hurt.
I guess the best thing this time compared to the last ones is that I have my two precious living children and I no longer have that fear of never holding a child of mine in my arms. The worst is that I feel so betrayed by my body. I came to terms a few years ago with the chromosome problem and the fact that there is nothing I can do to change it and yes, I accept that it means I'm more at risk of miscarrying, but for what unfathomable reason is it that my body just does not realise what's going on. I mean, at least the first two miscarriages I had minimal symptoms if any but this time I still have morning sickness and it has still been getting worse the past few days. It's bad enough I can't make healthy babies, but I can't even have a miscarriage properly!
I guess this is not the best first impression to make for an introduction, but I am so mad at myself and broken-hearted and I just had to get it all off my chest in a supportive environment. Thank you for reading.