Hi ladies! I hope you don't mind if I join you all. I'm really sorry in advance if I offend anyone by what I say here, but I'm just so sad and confused. I'm Amber and I have a little Clomid miracle who's 13 1/2 months old. We conceived her after losing 3 prior pregnancies, so I think of her as my little miracle.
So, we've been TTC for almost a year again now and have had 2 losses in that time and I'm currently about to have another. I started 100 mgs of Clomid this cycle and conceived, but I just found out today that my HcG levels have fallen instead of doubling and I'm just waiting to m/c again. Isn't that the worst thing ever? You know what's coming, you know it's inevitable and there's nothing you can do but wait it out.
This will be the 6th pregnancy that I've lost. I have PCOS and have a progesterone deficiency, but even with progesterone supplements and a decent prog level (14.2 today) I still wasn't able to sustain a pregnancy. I just don't understand why? I had an u/s that showed that my lining was nice and thick--perfect for a bean to snuggle into. I don't understand why my body keeps rejecting pregnancies? I don't understand why some women are blessed with one healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy after another and I'm not. I've begged, pleaded, tried to bargain with God time and time again and it's gotten me no-where. I've pretty much lost faith at this point. Sorry for the rambling, I'm just feeling a bit down today!
OMG Amber, I am so sorry about your losses--all of them. I am so sorry that you are going through another right now. I wish I had an answer for you--you are a terrific mommy and deserve a bunch of healthy babies!
I am here if you need me
I can't believe how many losses you have endured. I admire your courage to try again. I am so sorry to hear of all of your losses and your loss of faith. The ladies on this board are wonderful and there are probably others here who have gone through the Clomid and can offer you some support.
As for the faith issue, I am sure many of us have felt the same way. I read the book "When bad things happen to good people". It is written by a Rabbi who lost his young son. It talks about his struggle with faith but it is not a religous book and it is non demoninational. I found it helpful when struggling with my faith issues. I can't say it resolved my faith issues, it just allowed me to see things from a different perspective.
I am so sorry for all you losses. (((HUGS))) I also have PCOS and was not able to conceive naturally, we ended up doing IVF after 3 failed IUI attempts. I was able to hold onto my daughter until 16 weeks but then delivered due to an incompetent cervix. I have struggled with the faith issue as well. You are so strong for having the courage to even try so many times. I am still so scared, I am still waiting and it has been 5 months.
There are no words I can say, just know that I am thinking and praying for you and your family.
Oh honey. Ramble on. I am sorry for all of your losses but grateful that you have your miracle as that is what she is. We all have the "why" feelings. Why is that woman allowed to have her baby when I can't have mine? Why do drug addicts have such an easy time getting pregnant and delivering when I can't? Those unanswerable questions plague us all. There are no answers and no words to take away the hurt. I would if I could. Please, just come here any time you need to let anything out. Shelly
Last edited by shellyhudson; 11-13-2007 at 05:16 AM.
Thank you all for your support. I was having a really awful day yesterday and I didn't mean to be such a downer and I wasn't trying to make people feel sorry for me. I'm so sorry that you've all been through similar (and worse) experiences and know the same emotions I was having. Thank you for listening when I needed it most
I actually used to be on your birth board (Sept 06), but I lost my baby at 16 weeks, with no known cause. I remember you, though, and am so sorry about your losses! I, too, struggled with issues of faith and resentment, especially of people that seem to have no trouble conceiving and delivering babies, but don't really "deserve" them. Anyway, welcome, and please come here anytime you need to vent or have questions. I'm pretty sure you'll see some other familiar faces here as well!
Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
Just wanted to send you a hug I hope today is a bit more bearable for you....
My faith has been challenged many times throughout all my losses...As I worked through my grief...I reminded myself that God loves me, as a father/mother loves his/her child...but much more.....I drew near to Him, and found peace/comfort in my pain and suffering.
There are terrible things that have happened, and will continue to happen, in this world....God speaks of this is His Word......That said, He also reminds me that all will be made right one day, once I am spending an eternity with Him....I try so hard to hold onto that..
I am so sorry for your losses....As the other ladies have already said, come here and post every day...The ladies/lurkers on this board are so supportive..