introducing myself (mc ment)

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EmmyG's picture
Joined: 02/03/08
Posts: 34
introducing myself (mc ment)

Hi. I've been lurking for awhile, but I've decided it's time for me to introduce myself. I just lost my baby this past Thursday. I was 9w3d pregnant with my 1st baby.

DH and I found out at our 8w ultrasound that the baby had stopped developing and didn't have a heartbeat, and then we spent the next 10 days in agony going through lots of blood tests and follow-up to confirm that the pregnancy was not viable. We were devastated. I was on my way to a dr. appointment anyway on Thursday when I started to miscarry naturally. The primary thing I felt when I started bleeding was relief that we didn't have to wait for weeks and weeks for the miscarriage to occur (as I know many women do... and I'm so sorry if you have). Please don't misunderstand... I didn't want it to happen. I wanted this baby so much, and I will always love it with all my heart. But if it HAD to happen, I was relieved it happened without a lot of waiting and that it happened without drugs or surgery. But with that feeling of relief came a lot of guilt. I feel so guilty for feeling anything other than pain and sadness at the official end of my baby's life. I feel like it's being so selfish and disloyal. I just get so angry. And I know anger is a part of grief, but unfortunately, most of my anger is self-directed.

This is longer than I meant it to be. I just wanted to say hello. I've already gained so much strength from lurking. And while I'm sorry we're all here, I look forward to getting to know you better on this healing journey.

min150mph's picture
Joined: 09/08/07
Posts: 72


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm sorry for your loss :bighug:

Joined: 11/30/07
Posts: 117

:comfort: I am so sorry for your sad loss hun. I have been exactly where you are now, and it is so painful and hard. I too lost my baby at 9 weeks (missed miscarriage) I waited a week to miscarry naturally, but in the end opted for d & c. I hope you find support and comfort here, I am certain that you will. I spent so much time on here trying to come to terms with my loss (it was 11th Jan, and I am still devastated) I know it wont seem like it right now, but the pain will ease a little as time goes on. I have had some terrible days filled with sadness, but I promise that they will get less frequent. Just accept the way you feel, grieve, cry and get mad when you need too. The most important thing to do is not worry you are too upset for too long (I worried about this constantly!) you will get through it when you are emotionally ready. Take all the time you need, and never apologise for any of your thoughts and feelings. Please dont feel any gulit at all at feeling relief for m/c naturally, I would have given anything for that to happen instead of d & c. Also, never blame yourself, there is NOTHING you could have done to prevent this. Please remember that. After a while you will find that that intense consuming pain, fades to an ache - if that makes sense? Thats the best way I can describe it, as thats how it happened for me (of course I know we are all different) There are a few good posts on here about how to handle insensitive comments from others, if you find yourself faced with any (I truly hope that you dont, just sadly they sometimes come alongside loss from people who do not understand) I have found the best way to handle any comments now is to say to people 'if you cant take me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best' I have found that this really helps. (if family are wondering why I am not 'over' it etc) But like I said dont ever make excuses or apologise for your feelings and your sadness at losing your precious little one. I wish you comfort at this sad time. Please feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk. As I am a little bit further on in the grief process than you are now, I may be able to help if you need to talk.

I have included a poem (originally posted by Amy - Flutterby4) that helped me alot (I actually have it framed on my end table) I hope it brings you some comfort too

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes, and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby. This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this. God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy, Oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillows' where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'"
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with ME until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother--It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day, and know you're the best one.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your loss. :bighug:

Joined: 07/27/06
Posts: 722

Im sorry for your loss! ((HUGS))

rubber_da_glove's picture
Joined: 12/31/07
Posts: 1527

I'm so sorry for your loss. We are all here for you


Joined: 02/05/06
Posts: 33

So sorry for your loss. I hate that there is another member of this awful club. Hang in there and if you need anything....

Erin~mommy to Quinn and Elliot, my sweet angel babies

vbear's picture
Joined: 01/22/05
Posts: 83

So sorry for your loss hun {{{hugs}}}

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so sorry for your loss.I think all of us have feelings of guilt for one reason or another. It is unfounded, but it is a normal part of the grieving process.
I too had a small amount of relief when I had my last m/c. I had been bleeding heavily for a week, but the baby looked totally normal on the u/s and no source for the bleeding could be found. When I m/ced, I was devastated, but I did feel a tiny bit of relief that I didn't have to worry anymore. Just having a conclusion, even though it wasn't the one I wanted, made the anxiety and fear more manageable.
I lost my angel over a month ago, and am still struggling with the grief and emotions. I have found this site very helpful in my journey, and I hope you find some support and comfort here as well.

abbyrocks2427's picture
Joined: 10/26/06
Posts: 54

im so sorry for your have come to the right place

StephanieJune's picture
Joined: 01/19/08
Posts: 103

I am sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage about a month ago, on February 1. Sometimes I feel like I am not grieving "normally" but I just keep reminding myself that there is no such thing as normal when it comes to grieving, and that I should accept my emotions, whether they are too many or too few. I too feel guilty sometimes, but we just have to remember that we love our babies and that is all we can do.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so very sorry for your loss.


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Welcome (child ment)

Dear Emmy

I'm so sorry for your loss, and you are very brave to write about it. While the circumstances are so tragic that have brought each of us here, we have discovered the amazing people on this board who offer so much love, strength and hope. We are very lucky to have each other -- for it is with the love of our community that we heal quicker. It's horrible that I suffered losses (in my case, 4 angels) but I couldn't do anything about it each time -- there was no way to prevent the m/c's. So if it was my destiny to go through them all anyway, I'm certainly grateful to be here amongst those who really understand: I feel utterly blessed to be part of this community, and I welcome you to it, with wide open arms.

My first m/c was a missed one too (11 Dec. 2002), and your story brought the whole experience right back to me. I could relate to all of it -- all the thoughts and emotions -- wow, it was so incredibly hard. Reading your story, I can clearly see how far I have come -- I have shifted through so much of that grief, to a place of acceptance and peace on most days. I mention this as a message of hope -- you see, Emmy, if I could make it through to this point, anyone can (believe me! I have the kind of personality that gets engulfed, swept away by emotions!). So there is so much hope, and time really does heal all. I am doing well today thanks mostly to participating on this board: this has helped me much, much more than anything else (and I've done many other suggested things to shift through the grief). So it's really good that you're here, and that you're writing in. Please keep it up -- it's good for you!

Don't get me wrong -- I still have my 'days' now and then, and I'm sure I always will. And I will always, always love my angel babies as deeply as I love my two girls on earth. Only a mother can understand this immense love for our angels -- I think especially when it comes to m/c's, for they were very early on (our pregnancy was very real to us, every waking minute -- but not to others). We will always love our angels. But the pain will diminish, and you will make it through all of this. And we're here to help you on this personal journey.-- we're here for you. Take it easy and write in again soon.

Big hugs,

KaellyNicole's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 219

(((HUGS))) I am very sorry for your loss and I think we all understand your relief at a natural loss. I had three natural losses and one surgical loss... the surgical one was so much harder in every way (physical, mental, emotional)... I hope you find the roading to healing a smooth one, it took me quite a while to get over the loss of my son. But the ladies on this board are great!

EmmyG's picture
Joined: 02/03/08
Posts: 34

Thank you so much everyone for your warm wishes and condolences. Whenever I start to feel sad and hopeless, it is so comforting just to sign on and check this bulletin board and know that I'm not alone in my suffering. The personal stories and poems people have shared, both here on this thread and on others, are especially helpful. Thank you for being here and for sharing so much of yourselves. I need it so much.

Joined: 04/21/06
Posts: 96

:bighug: I am so sorry for you loss