Hi. I've been lurking for awhile, but I've decided it's time for me to introduce myself. I just lost my baby this past Thursday. I was 9w3d pregnant with my 1st baby.
DH and I found out at our 8w ultrasound that the baby had stopped developing and didn't have a heartbeat, and then we spent the next 10 days in agony going through lots of blood tests and follow-up to confirm that the pregnancy was not viable. We were devastated. I was on my way to a dr. appointment anyway on Thursday when I started to miscarry naturally. The primary thing I felt when I started bleeding was relief that we didn't have to wait for weeks and weeks for the miscarriage to occur (as I know many women do... and I'm so sorry if you have). Please don't misunderstand... I didn't want it to happen. I wanted this baby so much, and I will always love it with all my heart. But if it HAD to happen, I was relieved it happened without a lot of waiting and that it happened without drugs or surgery. But with that feeling of relief came a lot of guilt. I feel so guilty for feeling anything other than pain and sadness at the official end of my baby's life. I feel like it's being so selfish and disloyal. I just get so angry. And I know anger is a part of grief, but unfortunately, most of my anger is self-directed.
This is longer than I meant it to be. I just wanted to say hello. I've already gained so much strength from lurking. And while I'm sorry we're all here, I look forward to getting to know you better on this healing journey.