It's been a couple weeks now... (XP) (m/c and LC ment)
I want to thank you all for your outpouring of support to me and to my family over the past couple weeks. You are all miracles and such a blessing.
I know it's been a while since I updated you on how things are going here. I'm doing pretty well today. This morning, Will and I went to meet some friends for breakfast. They live just over an hour away, so it ate up most of the day. We had a lot of fun. She's one of my friends from ICAN. Actually, she's the other lady I worked with to get ICAN of Charlotte off the ground and running. We talked a lot about birth stuff and our kids, etc. It was neat and felt surprisingly normal. It was the first day that I went anywhere farther than 10 minutes from home since we returned to the house after Lucas was born. And, I only did the 10 minutes from home thing once. So, anyway, a sign that things are getting back on track around here.
Yesterday, I started back to *working* by teaching my first violin lesson since Lucas was born. I'm slowly easing myself back into my normal routines and responsibilities. It went well. I had to tell the Mom about what happened with Lucas because she didn't know and I had really, really been showing at their last lesson. She hugged me and honestly did not know what to say. But, we moved forward from that and she and her son went on to have a great violin lesson together. I felt energized afterwards, so I am taking that as a sign that it's time to me to get back to some of my regular work.
The physical part of everything seems to finally be wrapping up. I have not so much as spotted yesterday and today. I have the go-ahead to have sex again and I am very excited about that since my wedding anniversary is on Wednesday .
Allen and I are not preventing, so whenever I get pregnant again, I get pregnant. We believe strongly in not getting in the way of any kids God wants to bless us with at this point. We believe in living in faith and not letting our fear hold us back. For those who worry about our grieving process, honestly it is possible to grieve while living and moving forward. God's will for us is not that we remain stuck. Each child and pregnancy is different. I am sure that I will be very skiddish the next time I get pregnant, whether next month or 10 years from now, but that will just be something we need to get through when we get there. For now, we know that God is holding us and will steer our path in the proper direction.
On the topic of grief, things are coming along here. I am basically doing all the things myself that I would suggest to a client going through a similar situation. I am talking about things, writing about things, praying about things, and surrounding myself with excellent support. I am filling up my calendar so that I have something to do each and every day for the next couple of months. I know that this situation puts me at higher risk for PPD, so prevention wise, lots of interaction with others is of paramount importance, as is diet and exercise. I've been watching the diet component to make sure I'm getting lots of fruits and veggies. The exercise, I will be able to ease into slowly now that all of my bleeding and spotting has finally stopped. The midwife suggests starting with 10 minutes a day and working up so that I make sure not to reopen any wounds in my uterus. It would stink to start bleeding again and have that stand in the way of my efforts.
On other fronts, even though I do cry some everyday, I do not cry as much as I did at first. I am able to pray about and for Lucas without completely losing it. I am even able to pray about Lucas with a smile on my face sometimes, grateful for the fact that we are blessed enough to have had him with us.
My biggest issue at this point is sleep. I am dealing with some general anxiety that sets in around the time that the sun sets. I get very anxious about going to sleep and end up waiting until I can't keep my eyes open to go to bed, usually around midnight or so. This really, really doesn't work with our schedule around here, so I am trying to work on this by implementing a bedtime routine, using aromatherapy, and some relaxing herbs. Given that I was going to bed around 2 or 3 for a while after Lucas was born, I think that midnight is an improvement. I'm headed in the right direction. I'm just not there yet. Hopefully with some effort and more distance from the trauma, I can be back on track with my sleeping in the next few weeks or so.
This past friday was two weeks since Lucas was born to heaven. It was a hard day for me. A friend of mine had told me that she was going to come sit with me during the day (all day...we had folk scheduled for every day last week except Wednesday, when I met Allen for lunch) while Allen was at work, but she was nowhere to be found. I called and texted her and she finally responded saying she'd come in the afternoon. Still I didn't hear from her. She finally showed up at FIVE o'clock, just a few minutes before Allen came home from work. She brought food and a gift card, but really, all I wanted was company. I don't need gifts. Ya know? The day was tough because I felt like emotionally I was just losing it but I had to take care of Will and there just wasn't enough of me. I had to lean on God and did make it through the day but it was *not* pretty. I did get to spend some time out at Lucas' plot while Will was taking his nap (I had the video monitor with me out there) and that helped me feel a little better, but oh man, I thought that day was never going to end. After Allen finally got home and my *friend* left, I sort of emotionally collapsed. Needless to say, I won't ever be asking this particular friend for support again. Her excuse? "My day just got away from me." Nice. I could have easily found someone else to keep me company if I'd known she was going to pull that. I have lots of good friends!
Anyway, Saturday was nice. Amber (AmberC727), her dh, and Evan came over to our house. Amber had made us a cake (so pretty!) and so she brought it, along with some eggs from her Dad, and we all just sat around and caught up. It was so good to spend time with them and I can't believe how fast our kids are growing up. Aye aye aye, my how time flies!
Other than that, last week was not all that bad, barring an episode on Wednesday when I was coming back from lunch with Allen, shedding some tears in the car, and then ended up crying in front of the neighbor lady . Not exactly something I wanted to do.
Anyway, Allen and I are looking forward to our anniversary on Wednesday. I think this year we are going to focus on making time for ourselves. We need that. We can help to pamper each other a bit. While Will was an infant (and a high needs one at that!) we didn't get much time to just hang out together and watch movies, or play games, in the evenings. We still had sex but it's just that some of the other fun stuff went by the wayside while we were parenting Will. Now that we are sort of through that hump and Allen has also graduated from grad school (Dec 22nd! Woohoo!), we have time in the evenings to really focus on each other again and I am so looking forward to that. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband and we are so blessed to have an amazing marriage...and to really have extra time to spend with one another is so special and important...especially now. We thank God for the ways in which we are able to support one another and help one another heal.
I am glad that you are getting into the swing of things. Sleep issues are common, you can talk with your OB about something to help you sleep or if the anxiety is bad some help for that. Also try Lavender spray on the sheets.
I actually work with grieving people (and specialize in anxiety disorders and PTSD) as part of the counseling work that I do, so I just drew up the same plan that I suggest to others and am using it myself. Lavender tends to make me depressed when my anxiety is high but I'm using another essential oil combination designed especially for grieving mothers that seems to be helping a lot. I'm also using some herbs that help me relax at night. I use a midwife and not an OB and most of the medications perscribed do not mesh well with me so I tend to avoid them and focus on natural methods and most importantly, increasing my own coping skills. If I find in another 2-4 weeks that things are not still improving then I'll visit a therapist, but I really think that I'm on track and that things will be okay with my sleep before long. It's only been two weeks and sometimes these things just take time.