It's been one week since Lucas was born to Jesus. I miss him *so* much. I was afraid to go to bed last night because I thought if I did then I would wake up to something horrible happening this morning. Instead of staying up all night, I just silently asked God to give me comfort and help me get some rest. I did finally go to sleep. Then, I slept in until just after 9:00 this morning. At that time last week, Allen was getting the car loaded up to come back home early because of Lucas' death. Today, I woke up and it was uneventful. Will was awake and we went into his room so that Allen could change his diaper and I could nurse him. We went shopping today at Super Target and PetsMart. We needed to get some easy groceries. I'm not really able to cook and such yet since I'm supposed to keep off of my feet, so we just got simple things. We relaxed today, watched some Veggie Tales, sat on the computer. It was a completely calm day.
I thought today would be harder than it was. I thought I would be a mess thinking about what happened last Friday. But, it's been pretty much a constant tape running through my head anyhow, the whole week, so it didn't make today stand out.
I actually think that yesterday was harder than today. Yesterday was a week from the last day Lucas was ALIVE with me and today is a week since he went to heaven to be with Jesus. Yearning for the time he was alive was so much more painful than today's rehashing of his death, for some reason. Maybe it's because a week ago today was basically my trauma and not his since he'd already found his peace with God. Maybe as a Mommy I'm more concerned with what my baby is going through. Who knows, it just is what it is. And, somehow, I feel God's presence with me and feel some kind of peace today.
The only thing that seems to bother me is thinking about how I screamed when he was born and his body fell onto the floor. I don't think he was alive because we didn't see him breathing or a pulse. But, sometimes I wonder, "What if he was alive and we just didn't know it and the only sound he ever heard was that of his mother screaming?" I know God would have comforted him if that is the case, but still...you know?
Anyway, I am glad to know that my little Lucas is not suffering. This is a week from his release of struggle, his freedom from his trials. My little man was such a fighter and now he is free from having to fight.
As for me, I have hope. I have hope that life will continue on with God's help (it has thus far). I have hope that the depth of my pain and grief will continue to become easier to deal with. I have faith that God will show me the way. I have faith that God will not leave me brokenhearted. And Will, he is my hope, hope for the future, and a sign of my body's ability to birth healthy babies, not just lose babies. Sometimes that can be hard to remember when we've had more losses than live children. It's just that I believe that God is not going to leave us there.
I also believe that Lucas' life has a purpose. I have received so many emails and PM's and notes, etc, from people who have been touched by his story and all I can think is that God is using him for purposes bigger than I will ever understand. I know there are some little things, like Will enjoying the abundance of newborn milk as he's nursing. I've noticed his weight gain and increase in energy over the past week. I know that Lucas has given our family greater appreciation for one another and strengthened our bonds with one another. Lucas' life made such huge changes for our family and for other people as well. I thank God, today, for his life and for the ways in which God used Lucas, even beyond my own understanding.
Lucas, Mommy loves you. I am so glad you are a part of our family and that you got to stay with us for a little while. Our lives are forever changed and I love you for it.