Jack's 1st Bday & Angelversary

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Jack's 1st Bday & Angelversary

I haven't been around for a few reasons but wanted to share my letter to Jack for his first birthday and Angelversary. For those of you who don't know me because your new here. A year ago August 31, I gave birth to my first born son Jack at 19 weeks 3 days due to incompetent cervix. He kicked his feet, held my fingers and opened his mouth like a smile. He lived strong for almost 4 hours and passed away in our arms on September 1, 2006.
We spent this past weekend in Moab, Utah, it's a special place for me and my husband. I proposed to him there and we got married there. It's where we planned to spread some of Jack's ashes.

Here's my letter:

My Little Man Jack,

I can't believe it's been a year since you were born and passed away. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I don't cry everyday anymore. It sneaks up on me in the shower a lot and I completely lose it when I see your 2nd cousin who was born 2 weeks after your due date. I couldn't imagine a day without bawling before so I guess I am dealing better even though I miss you just as much if not more. With this new schedule I'm thinking more seriously about finding a support group because I have a tendency to sail down "De-Nial" river because depression can take over my life. I pretty much stopped working on my grief seven months ago because I was scared I would lose control and end up in a loony bin. I couldn't read my online support boards anymore because all the ladies I had met after losing you were all getting pregnant. It's not fair that they are so fertile and can get pregnant so easily. You may be the only child I ever conceive and give birth to. ARGH this isn't supposed to be about me!

Your dad and I have made it a habit to purchase every elephant we see at a store. I can't imagine how our house would look if Butterflies or Dragonflies were your "symbol". Although there are times when Dragonflies come up and seem to linger around me more then usual and I think of you. It always sparks one of our little conversations. After reading The Lovely Bones, I imagine you right there with me when I talk to you. Of course it seems you're everywhere, like the deer and the lady bug at the cemetery. You're a part of everything in nature to me.

We finally got to see your star in the Big Dipper this past weekend! We've always just looked for the Big Dipper as a whole to talk to you in the sky. But in Moab you can see all the tiny stars that are apart of it, and there was yours, practically holding hands with the 2nd star in the handle! It seemed to twinkle when I'd talk to you, I know all stars twinkle but yours was twinkling at just the right times.

We had planned on spreading some of your ashes on Our Rock in Moab, but it never felt like the right moment. I was also uncertain whether I wanted to let some of your ashes go at all. One moment I was 90% sure I wanted to, five minutes later I was questioning it. Your dad and I decided that we will know when it's the right time and the right place.

I found the most perfect little birthday cake for you and for the same reason above, we still haven't cut the cake. It traveled well in our cooler and still looks perfect. I imagined your first birthday when I was pregnant with you and cutting the cake without you in a highchair prepared to attack the cake with your face seems unbearable. I've thought about freezing it and maybe trying again next year but I don't know.

Your grandpa and grandma P went to the Angel in Salt Lake and left you some flowers. I think your dad and I will go to the one here this weekend. Everyone in the family was thinking about you and missing you more then ever this weekend. Keara gave us the cutest little crocheted elephant (picture above), it's so cute and I hadn't planned on leaving it in my car but it's like a little piece of you that makes me smile when I get in. Makes me smile...did you notice? Oh how I must be growing. We also purchased a tiny Utah Centennial plate with your name on it, since the Centennial plate has Delicate Arch on it, it seemed appropriate. Also being in Utah during your first Birthday and Angelversary, it is something to remind us of this special trip.

I tried to talk your dad into getting tattoos with me, but he didn't like the look of the tattoo shop in Moab, so I'll have to settle for one here in Phoenix. I think we might be making this Moab trip an annual event. Had we stayed home for your special days, we might not have gotten out of bed. Instead we kept ourselves busy, showing Arches to Keara for the first time and being with friends that mean so much to us! It was the most mentally healthy thing we could have done. Hopefully next year we'll get to spend it with more family and friends. I think it was good that only Robby, Regina & boyz and Keara came this time though, it was a little more intimate for the First Year.

Well little man, that's all for now. Go play with your friends Cayman, Jeremiah, Zane, Peter and Theo in the stars. Feel free to visit me in my dreams, I'd love to hold you one more time, even if it is just a dream!

Miss you Always, Love you Forever!

Love Mama

Joey
http://ledzeppelinmama.blogspot.com/
http://jackkendrickjohnson.blogspot.com/

Our Beloved Boy Jack Kendrick Johnson 8/31/06-9/01/06 @ 19w3d edd 1/22/07
I love you forever, Mommy

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

:bighug:

That's such a nice letter honey. It sounds like you spent the time in a lovely way and readng about it brought tears to my eyes.

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

Your letter to Jack is so precious...I am sure he is aware of every word that you have written to him :bighug:

I am so glad you were able to see Jack's star....what a comfort..

I think your trip to Moab during Jack's birthdays is perfect....You will know when the time comes, if ever, to spread some of his ashes there..

If you are emotionally able to share, I would like to see the tattoos that you and your dh picked out, to remember your little boy by..

Know that we are all here for you....I am so glad you chose to share your letter to Jack with us :comfort:

Marie

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

That was beautiful!

Joined: 08/20/07
Posts: 25

That was beautiful! I know he hears every word you say! Happy 1st Angelversary Jack!!

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Thank you for sharing. That was quite beautiful.

Janel

frosty's girl's picture
Joined: 01/02/07
Posts: 20

Joey,

What a beautiful letter to Jack. I'm in tears reading it of course. I hope you can find some way to forgive me for not posting to you on Sept. 1. Please know I did visit Cayman's grave and say a prayer for Jack. I told him to tell Jack that we were thinking of him and his Mommy and Daddy. That I had hoped his star would shine bright for you guys to see. As you may or may not know/remember the 1st of any month is a tough date for me...just as it is for you I'm sure.

I just wanted you to know that I think of you and Jack often and always find comfort knowing that my Cayman is with Jack, Jeremiah, and Peter. It is so good to see a post from you. I have missed you and can respect everything you said in your post.

Sending you peace and hugs,
Kelly

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Thank You and an Apology.

Thank you all for thinking of us and taking the time to comment. I feel like I owe you all an explanation for being MIA....I do miss keeping in contact with all of you, sometimes it's just too hard seeing "preg mentioned or TTC" just in the subject field. I'm not even reading those posts but seeing it wreaks havoc on my heart because I don't know if we'll ever be lucky again. I used to come here for support and understanding and it just seemed like it was being over-run with those posts. I am truly happy for those of you who get the good news, however I have to do whatever it takes to protect myself. I do think of all of you often. My heart broke again today when I got a call from a friend telling me Sarah had lost Vegas. Hopefully soon I will be able to return and provide support like so many of you have done for me.

Love you all,

Joey

Shee_Na's picture
Joined: 09/23/06
Posts: 53

Oh Joey I thought of you over the weekend as I went through Jeremiahs 1st anniversary on the 3rd. I'm in tears reading your letter b/c your feelings echo mine as always. The idea that Jack should be having cake and parties breaks my heart. Life is so unfair. Wish their were some words or something I could say to ease the pain your feeling. I can only imagine how hurtful reading the words preg or ttc. There are no words. Please know we all miss you and while I have went away from the loss board just from not being able to read about the new losses I hold all of you close to my heart. You know I'm always here if you need to talk.

I'm sure all our boys had wonderful birthdays together. Glad they had each other even though we couldn't be there.

:bighug:
Sheena

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

Your letter had me in tears. I cannot imagine how I am going to feel next year when we should be having Damien's first birthday party. I don't know if I will have the strength you showed. I may just stay in bed all day and talk to my angel and cry. I don't know. I am glad to see that you were able to do meaningful things on that day. Shelly

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

joey, I remember reading about your losing Jack a yr ago (I used to lurk here a lot, the strength of you women amazes me, and now I am amongst you, and you all continue to amaze me).

Your letter was just beautiful. It made me cry as well. I love Moab (dh and I have spent a few anniversaries there). I think when the time is right you will spread some of his ashes. Hugs! and Happy Birthday and angelversary Jack!

Willybobs's picture
Joined: 12/09/06
Posts: 58

A beautiful letter. I am, as always, moved and in sorrow for the babies that should have been my son's comtemparies. Zane's passing has opened up a world of thoughts and emotions I was once unfamiliar with. My sincerest best wishes and good thoughts always.

frosty's girl's picture
Joined: 01/02/07
Posts: 20

Joey,

I forgot to tell you I would love to see your tattoos when you get them if you want to share.

:bigarmhug:
Kelly
Proud Momma to Cayman Sinjin and Lucia Raevyn
Congenital Heart Defect Awareness
"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose,
for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us."-Helen Keller

www.caringbridge.org/visit/caymansinjin
http://tchin.org/portraits/cayman-1.htm

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Joey,
I hope it's okay for me to post here. I have thought of you and Jack so often this past year. Your letter to Jack is beautiful - it made me cry. You both have touched my heart. Happy Birthday and angelversary, Jack!

sweetpetunia's picture
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

Joey :bigarmhug:

I've been thinking about you lately- Karen too- I loved the letter you wrote Jack. Thank you so much for sharing and for remembering Peter and all our other babies who had their first birthdays in heaven with Jack this year- Cayman, Jeremiah, Zane... and now his baby sister Ada. :cry:

I'm so glad to hear that there are things that can make you smile now- Something so many of us were unable to do when we first arrived here. I'm happy to hear you had a nice trip and were able to share with loving friends. It was so cool that you got to see Jack's star as well.

Like others have said, you'll know when (if) you're ready to spread some of Jack's ashes. Don't feel bad that you're not there yet or ever. He's your baby boy, your precious angel and as mothers, any part of them is difficult to let go of for us. You may never get there and that's okay. You don't have to. The same goes for the cake. I'd planned to make a cake for Peter's 1st birthday, but when it came down to it, I just couldn't, so I know what you mean. Some things are just too much.

And don't feel bad about not hanging around. While we'd love to know how you're doing, I'm sure we all understand. It's exactly as you said: You've got to do what you can to survive and if that means staying away from these boards, then that's what you have to do. :bigarmhug:

Again, thank you so much for sharing Jack's letter with us. It's an honor to share in his memory.

Julie


http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/peterjames

^i^ 12/21/01 @ 12 weeks
^i^ 6/05 @ 6 weeks
Peter James 6/21/06 @ 41 weeks 2 days

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Geeze...You guys are the greatest. I think you've all convinced me that staying away might not be the answer...I guess it was for awhile but it might be time to face the music. All your kind words and thoughts have given me that extra support, push, confidence to help me get out of denial and grieve in a healthy way. Now you all have me in tears...Julie you're very sweet...tears went from a stream to a waterfall reading your post. Thank you.

Seeing/reading such strength from Sarah and Scott inspires me if that's even the right word, if they can be so strong after a 2nd loss, then I need to get off my depressed butt and deal.

I will be seeking information on local support groups and hopefully attending one very soon.

Thank you all for taking the time out of your lives to support me.

Joey
http://ledzeppelinmama.blogspot.com/
http://jackkendrickjohnson.blogspot.com/

Our Beloved Boy Jack Kendrick Johnson 8/31/06-9/01/06 @ 19w3d edd 1/22/07
I love you forever, Mommy

sweetpetunia's picture
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

You're so welcome hun.

:bighug:

Julie

frosty's girl's picture
Joined: 01/02/07
Posts: 20

Joey,

I just wanted to say I love Jack's website and what you have done. I haven't been able to read a lot but the pictures are so wonderful. What a tribute to your son Jack! You are the best mommy! I know Jack is so proud.
:bigarmhug:
Kelly