I haven't been around for a few reasons but wanted to share my letter to Jack for his first birthday and Angelversary. For those of you who don't know me because your new here. A year ago August 31, I gave birth to my first born son Jack at 19 weeks 3 days due to incompetent cervix. He kicked his feet, held my fingers and opened his mouth like a smile. He lived strong for almost 4 hours and passed away in our arms on September 1, 2006.
We spent this past weekend in Moab, Utah, it's a special place for me and my husband. I proposed to him there and we got married there. It's where we planned to spread some of Jack's ashes.
Here's my letter:
My Little Man Jack,
I can't believe it's been a year since you were born and passed away. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I don't cry everyday anymore. It sneaks up on me in the shower a lot and I completely lose it when I see your 2nd cousin who was born 2 weeks after your due date. I couldn't imagine a day without bawling before so I guess I am dealing better even though I miss you just as much if not more. With this new schedule I'm thinking more seriously about finding a support group because I have a tendency to sail down "De-Nial" river because depression can take over my life. I pretty much stopped working on my grief seven months ago because I was scared I would lose control and end up in a loony bin. I couldn't read my online support boards anymore because all the ladies I had met after losing you were all getting pregnant. It's not fair that they are so fertile and can get pregnant so easily. You may be the only child I ever conceive and give birth to. ARGH this isn't supposed to be about me!
Your dad and I have made it a habit to purchase every elephant we see at a store. I can't imagine how our house would look if Butterflies or Dragonflies were your "symbol". Although there are times when Dragonflies come up and seem to linger around me more then usual and I think of you. It always sparks one of our little conversations. After reading The Lovely Bones, I imagine you right there with me when I talk to you. Of course it seems you're everywhere, like the deer and the lady bug at the cemetery. You're a part of everything in nature to me.
We finally got to see your star in the Big Dipper this past weekend! We've always just looked for the Big Dipper as a whole to talk to you in the sky. But in Moab you can see all the tiny stars that are apart of it, and there was yours, practically holding hands with the 2nd star in the handle! It seemed to twinkle when I'd talk to you, I know all stars twinkle but yours was twinkling at just the right times.
We had planned on spreading some of your ashes on Our Rock in Moab, but it never felt like the right moment. I was also uncertain whether I wanted to let some of your ashes go at all. One moment I was 90% sure I wanted to, five minutes later I was questioning it. Your dad and I decided that we will know when it's the right time and the right place.
I found the most perfect little birthday cake for you and for the same reason above, we still haven't cut the cake. It traveled well in our cooler and still looks perfect. I imagined your first birthday when I was pregnant with you and cutting the cake without you in a highchair prepared to attack the cake with your face seems unbearable. I've thought about freezing it and maybe trying again next year but I don't know.
Your grandpa and grandma P went to the Angel in Salt Lake and left you some flowers. I think your dad and I will go to the one here this weekend. Everyone in the family was thinking about you and missing you more then ever this weekend. Keara gave us the cutest little crocheted elephant (picture above), it's so cute and I hadn't planned on leaving it in my car but it's like a little piece of you that makes me smile when I get in. Makes me smile...did you notice? Oh how I must be growing. We also purchased a tiny Utah Centennial plate with your name on it, since the Centennial plate has Delicate Arch on it, it seemed appropriate. Also being in Utah during your first Birthday and Angelversary, it is something to remind us of this special trip.
I tried to talk your dad into getting tattoos with me, but he didn't like the look of the tattoo shop in Moab, so I'll have to settle for one here in Phoenix. I think we might be making this Moab trip an annual event. Had we stayed home for your special days, we might not have gotten out of bed. Instead we kept ourselves busy, showing Arches to Keara for the first time and being with friends that mean so much to us! It was the most mentally healthy thing we could have done. Hopefully next year we'll get to spend it with more family and friends. I think it was good that only Robby, Regina & boyz and Keara came this time though, it was a little more intimate for the First Year.
Well little man, that's all for now. Go play with your friends Cayman, Jeremiah, Zane, Peter and Theo in the stars. Feel free to visit me in my dreams, I'd love to hold you one more time, even if it is just a dream!
"We will see you again, on the beaches of heaven..."
What a beautiful letter to Jack. I'm in tears reading it of course. I hope you can find some way to forgive me for not posting to you on Sept. 1. Please know I did visit Cayman's grave and say a prayer for Jack. I told him to tell Jack that we were thinking of him and his Mommy and Daddy. That I had hoped his star would shine bright for you guys to see. As you may or may not know/remember the 1st of any month is a tough date for me...just as it is for you I'm sure.
I just wanted you to know that I think of you and Jack often and always find comfort knowing that my Cayman is with Jack, Jeremiah, and Peter. It is so good to see a post from you. I have missed you and can respect everything you said in your post.
Thank you all for thinking of us and taking the time to comment. I feel like I owe you all an explanation for being MIA....I do miss keeping in contact with all of you, sometimes it's just too hard seeing "preg mentioned or TTC" just in the subject field. I'm not even reading those posts but seeing it wreaks havoc on my heart because I don't know if we'll ever be lucky again. I used to come here for support and understanding and it just seemed like it was being over-run with those posts. I am truly happy for those of you who get the good news, however I have to do whatever it takes to protect myself. I do think of all of you often. My heart broke again today when I got a call from a friend telling me Sarah had lost Vegas. Hopefully soon I will be able to return and provide support like so many of you have done for me.
Oh Joey I thought of you over the weekend as I went through Jeremiahs 1st anniversary on the 3rd. I'm in tears reading your letter b/c your feelings echo mine as always. The idea that Jack should be having cake and parties breaks my heart. Life is so unfair. Wish their were some words or something I could say to ease the pain your feeling. I can only imagine how hurtful reading the words preg or ttc. There are no words. Please know we all miss you and while I have went away from the loss board just from not being able to read about the new losses I hold all of you close to my heart. You know I'm always here if you need to talk.
I'm sure all our boys had wonderful birthdays together. Glad they had each other even though we couldn't be there.
Your letter had me in tears. I cannot imagine how I am going to feel next year when we should be having Damien's first birthday party. I don't know if I will have the strength you showed. I may just stay in bed all day and talk to my angel and cry. I don't know. I am glad to see that you were able to do meaningful things on that day. Shelly