My friend is pregnant again. This will be her 3rd child in three years...and to top it all off, she is pregnant by a man who isn't her husband.
It hurts so bad...to know that I'm going to have to watch this everyday, watch this baby grow and just know that its not right...and just wish that it were me that were pregnant.
Its already hard to see her and the son she has now, he had the same due day as the first baby I lost...its hard to watch him grow and think everyday about what should be mine.
Its really hard for me to support her, even though she's my friend and what she did was wrong (cheated on her husband) but I can't just turn my back on her...especially not since we work together.
Somethings in life are just so unfair, so hard to watch... really it just makes me want to puke... really the jealousy of watching so many people I know get pregnant and have babies while I just sit here wanting.
I really want to be strong and help her and support her... I know she's going to need all the support she can get, her husband will leave her as soon as he finds out... but I don't know if I will be able to just sit by and watch this.
I'm so jealous...I just wish life wasn't so hard... I wish I could just have my one perfect baby and then everything would just seem better... I think my life would be complete.
I'm just rambling now and I probably don't even make sense. Thanks for listening girls...this just gets harder to stand as I get closer to my due date, my little girl would have been due any day now...
I can totally relate to your thoughts and feelings; my heart is with you. It sucks that life can be so unfair. I pray for you that -- next time -- you have a perfectly healthy baby.
Maybe it will help lessen your jealousy to know that your friend has a rough road ahead because of her unfaithfulness-- even if her DH never finds out, SHE will know. Guilt erodes us from the inside out. This same scenario has plagued a woman I know for years now -- the child from her extramarital affair is now 18, and it still tortures her. She has not had a happy life as a result, to say the least. Eventually her DH found out (about 8 years ago) and she very nearly lost access to her kids. In fact one of them, an elder son, has had nothing to do with her since the truth came out -- he says terrible things about his mother, much to her shame and embarrassment.
What I'm trying to say is that we harm ourselves when we do the most human thing in the world: measuring our insides by someone else's outsides. The grass always seems greener...but in truth, it seldom is.
I really do understand your pain -- please don't get me wrong. I would hate having to see the parallels of someone else's successful pregnancies mirroring mine that ended so abruptly.
So please know that I'm not minimising your pain, but rather just trying to show you the situation from a different perspective. Your friend will ALWAYS have this burden to bear, but OUR pain and suffering DOES eventually end (it just takes time).
I hope this helps a little. It's meant to. Hang in there, sweetie. Please write in again whenever you need to -- I remember how rough it was when my angels' due dates rolled around. We care about you, so please stay in touch.
Today I told her how I feel, that it just seems like life is unfair, that it isn't just that some people are just blessed with children again and again while others sit dreaming and trying.
I told her how I cried myself to sleep last night because I miss Alana so much, and that is just makes me sad that she's pregnant now...because it reminds me that I'm not.
She said "I'm sorry. But everything happens for a reason, and if you were having your baby in a few days then we'd have never met. Wouldn't you rather have me for a friend?"
(We met because when I lost my baby, I got fired from my job and I met her while looking for a new job, we have a daycare together now)
Whatever, if everything happens for a reason, then tell me why my baby died! What was the reasoning for breaking my heart and taking a baby that was truly wanted and loved!?
I really thought she'd be more understanding, she's experienced miscarriage too (only 1 and had 2 living children since then) but she really wasn't.
Even harder was that when I tried to talk to my boyfriend about all this last night he just kinda acted like he didn't want to talk about it or didn't know what to say. I understand that it would be different if he were home (he's military) and we'd be able to grieve about this together...but he's trying to be the big man and be strong. I think its easier for him to not talk about it right now, he never had a chance to grieve for her, he was shipped out about 2 weeks after we lost her...and I know it really tore him up that all our plans were ruined, he really loved her already...he probably wouldn't admit it but he cried for days. I thought it was so sweet that he already cared that much, I know most guys don't really get attached until after the baby is born.
Anyway, thanks for listening girls. Sometimes it just really helps me to talk about things...even if its in a very rambling way.
...I need to stop stalking me old birthboard and seeing all the babies born...it just makes me cry.
That has got to be so difficult, to see her son who reminds you of the baby you lost. We are here to listen, whether you're rambling or not!
I totally stalk my old birth board too!!! Why oh why do I do that? It gets to be more torturous each time!!!! I guess I'm curious and want to see where I would have been, but I end up just getting depressed.