jealousy,ramblings,guilt. Tell me I'm not crazy. (child ment
I've been having a lot of reminders lately... I should be nine months right now... full term and ready to go at any minute, but I'm not. SO graduated this weekend... and him mom and brother were in town (the first time I'd met them) and I just kept thinking about the baby and how everything should be different. At the actual graduation the girl sitting in front of me was very pregnant...and it just hurt so much. And I was holding my nephew (he was 2 months old that day)he's so beautiful and it would have been so nice for them to be cousins and grow up together so close together in age ...everything is just a reminder of what should be and isn't.
I had a dream last night... that my baby was born and I was holding him in my arms while he slept. And he was just so peaceful and beautiful and he smelled so good, ( I remember vividly being able to smell him...) and his hair was so soft.
I woke up and I had a thought... one that never occured to me before... what if Liam wasn't dead... what if he was still alive and they just missed his heartbeat? What if they killed him for no reason? And I could have my baby right now... They never gave me the option of natural m/c... I didn't even think about it, or know about it until I talked to all of you ladies. I think I would have preferred that... because I've heard women talk about being about to see their babies and even bury them. He was 12 weeks and 2 days old... I could have seen him and I'd know.
I just have this uneasyness in my stomach now... this intense guilt... What if he's gone and he didn't need to be... I couldn't bear that...
Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
Don't even go there...I am sure the doctor checked for Liam's heart beat extensively....If it were there, he would have found it...Try not to second guess your decision..You will just drive yourself crazy if you do..
I am sorry you are feeling the way you are I wish there was something I could say/do to help
Maybe your dream was Liam's way of reaching out to comfort you...You will see him, hold him, again one day..
when they gave me the meds to induce my labor I repeatedly made them do ultrasounds and check for hb. I even have the same thoughts you do now. You are not alone. But sweetheart, you can "what if" till the end of time and it won't change one thing....We all do it...you are not alone.