Joining You (m/c, child ment).

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marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183
Joining You (m/c, child ment).

Sorry this is long... Still traumatized by this whole experience.

I found out I was pregnant on April 29th and three days later started spotting. It was brownish/pink and so I thought maybe it was implantation and wasn't too worried about it. On the next day, I had an episode of bright red bleeding and thought I was having a chemical pg. I called the nurse to tell her what was up and they started blood tests and u/s's on me. My first two betas only rose 57% and so the doctor did another u/s to rule out ectopic pregnancy. There was a sac in my uterus, so my biggest fear (ectopic) was ruled out. I ended up having 2 more betas drawn and my numbers had started MORE than doubling. That, plus the sac in my uterus made us hopeful that everything would be okay.

That was 2 weeks ago today. For those two weeks, my spotting was minimal, if at all. I still had sort of stretchy (almost egg-whitish) CM, except it was brownish in color. That really concerned me as much as the bleeding did, but I tried to ignore it.

Then Tuesday night, the bleeding came back worse than it had been in several weeks, and was accompanied by cramping for the first time ever. It was pinkish in color, and was starting to get more red. I called the nurse again Wednesday morning and she was pretty insensitive... Basically told me to call back if I was soaking a pad an hour, that what I was experiencing was normal for a m/c, and to call back if I m/c so we can do another beta. An hour or so later, I got another call from the OB's office to tell me that I had a UTI (with no symptoms) that they found in the urine sample I had given exactly A WEEK AGO!!! A week! God knows how long I've been walking around with this, and I've been reading online that UTI can be a risk factor for m/c.

Last night, I was trying to watch American Idol, but couldn't concentrate because the cramps were becoming more like labor contractions, very rhythmic, just less intense as far as the pain went. DH and I knew it was over and went to the kitchen for some ice cream (comfort food). As soon as I walked in there, I felt a HUGE gush followed by several more huge gushes. I filled my pad in literally like 30 seconds. It all got very emotional and panicky from there. I didn't want to see any of it. I went to the bathroom in the dark, and DH just took my underwear, pad, and everything and just threw it away. I could see enough to tell that the pad was very full. It happened again about an hour and a half later. This time, not only was the pad super-full, but I could see through the darkness that there was a large, golf-ball sized, perfectly round piece of something (my baby?) in the pad.

I had a couple more trips to the bathroom that were traumatic, but not as bad as the first two. All-in-all, the worst of it lasted about 3.5 hours. I've continued to bleed and occasionally lose pieces of tissue today. I wish it would end already.

Emotionally, I'm feeling okay. I still have to choke back the tears if I have to talk about it to someone I'm not close to. My district supervisor at worked called me to see if I was okay after I called off work today, and then again for tomorrow... I told him the truth, which was a relief because I was feeling bad about the call-offs, but he was sincerely concerned about me and was very helpful, so that was a relief. Other than that, I've been convinced from very early on that this pregnancy was not going to survive, so over the last (almost) month, I've done plenty of crying and stressing. I cried a LOT last night, but not much really today. Today, I'm feeling more relieved that it is over. I was terrified of what I would go through with the m/c, and with good reason... It has been horrific. As traumatic as it has been, I'm glad that I did it naturally, and I hope everything passes so that I don't have to go through a D&C.

I do have a DS who will be 11 months in a few days, and I am so grateful for him right now. I think if this were my first pregnancy, I would be terrified to try again. Heck, I am terrified to try again... But I've been blessed with an amazing baby boy, and I've seen how beautifully it can go when everything is normal. So it gives me hope for trying again, as scared as I am to even think of it. I think I will take some time to heal my body and my mind before I worry about trying again, though.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening to my story. Smile

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

I had a very similar story. Twice. I know how horrifying it is. I think, from what you wrote, you are doing very well dealing with the pain and emotional hell. There's ups and downs. Just ride them if you can. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you have a family to support you and a workplace that understands.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish there were some magic words that would make all the hurt and pain go away. But, after all these years, I have yet to find any.
My first lost was much like your, it dragged for a few weeks. I sometimes think it would have been easier if I lost the baby sooner. I would have been able to grieve and not get my hopes up over and over again. Make sure your take time to grieve and heal.
Sending hugs and prayers.

marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

Thanks girls... I can't imagine what all this would have been like if I didn't have the support from this site. Smile

I'm doing okay.. It's suuuuch a weird situation, the whole thing. In some ways, I feel perfectly fine. In other ways, I feel depressed and angry.

DH finally told his parents what was going on. They never even know I was pregnant. Since I bled from so early, he didn't want to tell until we had a heartbeat, which never happened (at least that I know of). Yesterday was my first day back to work and it was terrible. My help called in sick, so I was all by myself from 8am-noon and was EXTREMELY busy. It was just terrible for me physically. Then DH texted me and told me his parents were coming to visit. I was VERY angry with him because I really just needed to come home and rest my body and mind after such a long, terrible first day back. I talked to him and he said he would call them back and tell them no, but that he would be telling them what happened... Which was fine with me. I never told him not to tell them. But it's just so awkward now. They haven't said a word to me about it. I don't talk to them a lot... We don't have a bad relationship or anything... They just usually talk to DH if they call. I have them both on facebook though, and no one has said a word to me. I don't know if I expect them to. They probably just don't know how to approach the situation. I just feel awkward...

I just feel disappointed/sad/angry at various times when things remind me of what happened. We were at the store today buying me more huge overnight pads (although the bleeding is starting to slow a bit, thankfully)... But they're right there next to the HPT's, which just depressed me, ya know? Blah, blah, blah... I guess I'm just rambling.

I really do feel better for the most part though. Having it over with is sad, but in many ways it is SO much better than being in the emotional limbo of going through all the spotting, beta tests, ultrasounds, etc. In the end, it is best just to have some closure and think of the future. DH and I have decided that we won't be taking any measures to prevent pregnancy. I've always hated to let a cycle go without trying, and I feel much the same right now. So whenever my body is back in working order, we'll be TTC with a laid-back JLIH approach. Smile

Mom2ThreeKiddos's picture
Joined: 09/15/09
Posts: 1380

I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel as I just went through something similar. I pray that this is all over soon so that you can start to heal.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It seems like we are surrounded by reminders of being pregnant after a loss. Hang in there.