I had an ultrasound at the doctor's on Saturday morning due to VERY light spotting. He was not able to find the heartbeat and sent me to the hospital for a more detailed ultrasound.
They did an internal and were also unable to find the heartbeat. The ultrasound tech wouldn't tell me anything and kept the screen away from me and the sound off... so I was very confused and totally distraught. I couldn't make any sense of it because I had been soooo sick...morning sickness like crazy, which usually signals great pregnancy! I thought for sure the pregnancy was healthy!
The Dr. wanted to take care of everything immediately and booked the OR for a D&C the same night. We were back at the hospital at 5:30 and the D&C scheduled for 7:30.
This is nothing that I expected. On the way to the dr. I was talking about going shopping after the ultrasound. My life completely changed between 10am and 12:00pm yesterday.
Before the process, I was so upset. During the final ultrasound the tech had kept the screen facing away from me and said nothing during the exam. She turned the sound down so I couldn't hear anything. I am sure they did this trying to protect me from the pain. However, after the dr. told me there was no heartbeat and they scheduled the D&C, I couldn't shake the feeling that I had never actually seen it for myself. I was so conflicted about having the procedure without knowing 100% for myself that the pregnancy was ended. I told my nurse that I was very upset and we talked for a long time. She was amazing. I told her that I didn't think I would ever have closure and would feel so much guilt if I had the D&C and had never seen for myself that the baby was gone. She called my doctor and talked to him about this. He scheduled a STAT ultrasound! I was amazed! THey actually had to call in a tech to the ultrasound immediately before the procedure. Of course, the tech was not allowed to say anything to me good or bad. The ultrasound was very sad, but she let me see the screen and let me hear for myself, that there truly was no heartbeat. She even let me see the screen where it showed that the baby was only measuring 8 weeks (I was supposed to be 10 weeks, 2 days along). I know to some this may sound crazy... but it helped me to let go, to actually see for myself. I was then able to go through the procedure with no guilt and I truly think it has already began to help me through the healing process. So, why am I telling you this? The only reason is that if anyone, God forbid, goes through the same thing and you feel you need closure... ask for it!!! Now I know without a doubt that the baby was already gone. I would never have gotten that final ultrasound if I hadn't asked for it and had my nurse not suggested it. I didn't even know I had the option! My dh and I are so grateful that we were able to see for ourselves.
My thoughts & prayers are with any of you who are dealing with losses.
Eventually, we will recover... but we will never forget!
I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband and a beautiful 17 month old daughter. Having them has helped eased my pain.
Lost at 10 weeks, 2 days (although ultrasound showed no growth past 8 weeks)
Jaelynn - born 11/07