I had an ultrasound at the doctor's on Saturday morning due to VERY light spotting. He was not able to find the heartbeat and sent me to the hospital for a more detailed ultrasound.
They did an internal and were also unable to find the heartbeat. The ultrasound tech wouldn't tell me anything and kept the screen away from me and the sound off... so I was very confused and totally distraught. I couldn't make any sense of it because I had been soooo sick...morning sickness like crazy, which usually signals great pregnancy! I thought for sure the pregnancy was healthy!
The Dr. wanted to take care of everything immediately and booked the OR for a D&C the same night. We were back at the hospital at 5:30 and the D&C scheduled for 7:30.
This is nothing that I expected. On the way to the dr. I was talking about going shopping after the ultrasound. My life completely changed between 10am and 12:00pm yesterday.
Before the process, I was so upset. During the final ultrasound the tech had kept the screen facing away from me and said nothing during the exam. She turned the sound down so I couldn't hear anything. I am sure they did this trying to protect me from the pain. However, after the dr. told me there was no heartbeat and they scheduled the D&C, I couldn't shake the feeling that I had never actually seen it for myself. I was so conflicted about having the procedure without knowing 100% for myself that the pregnancy was ended. I told my nurse that I was very upset and we talked for a long time. She was amazing. I told her that I didn't think I would ever have closure and would feel so much guilt if I had the D&C and had never seen for myself that the baby was gone. She called my doctor and talked to him about this. He scheduled a STAT ultrasound! I was amazed! THey actually had to call in a tech to the ultrasound immediately before the procedure. Of course, the tech was not allowed to say anything to me good or bad. The ultrasound was very sad, but she let me see the screen and let me hear for myself, that there truly was no heartbeat. She even let me see the screen where it showed that the baby was only measuring 8 weeks (I was supposed to be 10 weeks, 2 days along). I know to some this may sound crazy... but it helped me to let go, to actually see for myself. I was then able to go through the procedure with no guilt and I truly think it has already began to help me through the healing process. So, why am I telling you this? The only reason is that if anyone, God forbid, goes through the same thing and you feel you need closure... ask for it!!! Now I know without a doubt that the baby was already gone. I would never have gotten that final ultrasound if I hadn't asked for it and had my nurse not suggested it. I didn't even know I had the option! My dh and I are so grateful that we were able to see for ourselves.
My thoughts & prayers are with any of you who are dealing with losses.
Eventually, we will recover... but we will never forget!
I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband and a beautiful 17 month old daughter. Having them has helped eased my pain.
Lost at 10 weeks, 2 days (although ultrasound showed no growth past 8 weeks)
Jaelynn - born 11/07
Last edited by luvnherphil; 04-19-2009 at 10:18 PM.
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have to join this board. I was w/you on Nov. 09 for a while. I am glad they offered you a final u/s to help you with closure. I will pray that you start to heal and are blessed again when the time is right.
First off - I am very sorry for your loss. I hope that you will continue to join us here whenever you need to.
I also want to say thank you. Your message and experience are so important to pass on. Each of us is so different in our needs to process through and unfortunately I do not believe that options are often presented to women going through a loss. Only by sharing and learning that yes, we each have to become our own advocate do we find out the need to ask.
I am so glad that you were able to get the closure you needed to begin this journey.
Wishing you only the best,
Hugs. I am so sorry for your loss. I am very glad you were able to have that closure. I saw my baby and lack of hearbeat right on the screen, and it did make it real for me. It sucked, but yes, gave closure. I'm glad you have a great doc and nurse!
So it has been 5 days since my D&C and finding out about our little one.
I am still having such a hard time.
I bounce from feelings of sadness/crying, to extreme fatigue/laziness, to being so mad at everyone and everything.
One minute I feel like I want to go out and conquer the world: doing dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, etc... and then the next minute I feel like doing absolutely nothing but crawling under the blankets.
I still haven't been back to work even though I was supposed to return on Wednesday. Work has been great though and has told me to take as long as I need. I just can't keep from being so anxious about how behind I am getting at work... which just adds to all of the guilt.
I feel like I am being selfish or something. My poor DH had to return to work after just two days. SO I feel very guilty when he comes home and I have been laying around the house all day.
Of course, I do have a 17 month old to tend to and play with while I am here. I find a lot of comfort in her. Although I have found myself to be overly attached to her lately.
I am trying, but I was just wondering, when will these feelings end and when will I be able to get back to my life? I know that I will never forget my child, but when can I move on?
AAARRRGGGGHHH!!!! Anyone else have these feelings?
I wish I had a concrete answer for you... but unfortunately it comes and goes in waves. I think I moped for a few months, some days were more mopey than others, but the house definitely suffered. I did find great comfort in my children, but also found myself a little less patient with them as well, and that makes me sad. I did find talking with ladies on here and on ttcal board was very very helpful to me. It was all so out of character for me, but it was great to hear how normal I really was.
This is my second loss and I wish I could tell you that you'll be back to normal in a few days. But you probably won't. H have better days then others. I went back to work right away. I teach an austistic behavioral class of teeneagers. The work keeps me so busy that I don't have time to mope. I find that helps me. But some days, it's the last place I want to be and I wish that I had called in sick so I could lie around in bed and cry. You are normal I find that when I make myself get up and do things, I feel a little better. Mostly I try to do things I like. I cook, work on my photography, or organise things that allow me to sit down and rest while I do it. Then, I feel like I've accomplished something and I'm not quite so mad at myself. I find there is a lot of anger at myself this time (not becuase I lost another baby - but because I don't like who I am when I'm dealing with loss). Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm sympathetic and I hope you find something to help you cope.
You are totally normal. I had my first loss the end of March (at 11 weeks) and I have good days and bad days. I feel very hormonal. I totally agree with you in that I am glad I was able to see the ultrasound screen. My OB let me see my angel before I went to the hospital for my confirmation ultrasound. Good thing too b/c the tech wouldn't let me. She wasn't even going to let my husband in the room! I had to force the issue. He would have been really upset if she hadn't let him in.
Just hang in there. It does get a little better day-by-day. Keeping busy really helps. The more I sit around, the harder it is. You will make it through!
Just sending some more hugs!