Today is the day that I was due to be a parent. This weekend has been difficult, but not quite as bad as the lead-up was. Yesterday I was really cranky, especially after a trip to the store and saw all of the Mother's Day stuff, but we were painting our dining room and it turned out so well that I couldn't help but feel better for awhile For the past few months I've been dreading this weekend but, oddly, now it's almost a relief. Of course, now, instead of seeing pregnant women and thinking, "that would be me", I'll see women with cute little babies and think "that would be me". So it will never go away, not really.
To remember, I bought myself a necklace on sale at Zales. Here is a picture from their website:
We also bought a new plant for our memorial garden, a jasmine that smells amazing:
(sorry the pic is so big!)
This next week is going to be OK. My dad is coming into town tomorrow, and I'm going out for a nice dinner with a friend later in the week. She was pregnant the same time as me, lost her first the same week as me, and the due date of her baby would have been yesterday so she understands what I'm feeling. Plus, my DH's out-of-town trip was cut short. He'll still be gone but not nearly as long. With my dad visiting I'll only be alone one night and I can relax at home with a movie and a carton of ice cream. We also have an adoption orientation which feels like a good way to spend a night this difficult week. It's a new start, a new journey and we feel like we're ready now.
My husband has been really sweet about this upcoming Mother's Day, too. I told him that I really want a cake, of all things, a store-bought one with my name in icing, the kind I might have had if I had been able to have a baby shower, and he's going to get one for me. So I have things to look forward to.
These past seven months have been the most difficult of my life. We lost our first (and only) LO, a dog, and my grandma. There have been money issues, mostly due to the emergency surgery from the ruptured ectopic. But it's also been just long enough that I can see the blessings, too. There is a light at the end of this tunnel and I'm starting to see the glimmer of it. Knowing this board is here is one of them. Big hugs to all of you!
It sounds like you've really lined up some good plans for this week ahead -- very wise. And the movie and ice cream -- very wise, too!
I'm also happy for you that you recognise this as a new chapter in your life. A close friend of mine (and DH) are also taking the steps to adopt, and they're very excited about it. Because I can see their excitement and joy, I can well imagine yours. Another woman I know adopted a little boy, and they are very close. It's a beautiful thing to watch, knowing that this happy little boy lives joyfully with his mommy -- not in a Hong Kong orphanage anymore. I think you are all really beautiful people.
If I could measure my happiness for you though, I would have to say that I am happiest of all for you -- in terms of shifting through your grief. It is a process, and it does take a while, but you sound like you're well on your way going through it. You inspire me, the way that you're handling the Mother's Day reminders at the same time. Wow. This all takes such courage, and you've got that, sweetheart -- without exaggeration, our kind of loss precedes nothing less than an epic personal journey.
I'm proud of you, and really, really happy for you -- for all of this. I wish you the fastest and least complicated adoption process. Your child(ren) will be very lucky to have you, and sweet Joseph is also very fortunate to be a big part of such a loving family.
You're right -- there's actually a very bright light at the end of the tunnel: it's sunshine. I know because I'm standing right in it (remember, it's been 2.5 years since my last m/c). You will be too, one day. You'll see.
I'll be facing an EDD this month as well. I do my very best to not think about it, but it's not easy. I planted two rose bushes for my babies just over a week ago and they're both covered with new growth already.
The necklace and tree are beautiful. Hugs hun. I hope you have plenty of distractions. Im glad your friend and dad will be around. Make sure you talk to someone if you need it. I know it gets hard but its for the better. I hope your Mothers Day turns out ok. I will be visitng dd's grave and then going to see my stepmother who I met the week after Easter.