I once swore that I would never come back to pregnancy.org, just because it reminds me so much of the baby lost. But the draw was too great, and I came back just to check on my pregnancy buddy Jen. I was shocked when I saw her post at the top of the February board saying that she'd lost her little girl. That was a rough day...
I thought after that that I REALLY oughtn't come back... But I'm here today, because I'm having a relapse and need to vent to people who understand.
I lost my baby at the end of July. It hurt so bad. He was due February 14th. I thought that was so amazing. Another testament of our love, due on Valentine's day. But, as I said, I lost him, and it sucked.
Yesterday I was talking with a friend about a woman who I had been friends with. I say "had been" in the past tense, because through the miscarriage and after I hadn't heard a thing from her. I mean, not that we were the CLOSEST of friends, but enough so that I thought she would offer her condolances at our loss. But no... nothing. And my friend brings up that this woman is pregnant again. (She has three children already, and had said that she did not want anymore for at least a few years.) And not JUST pregnant, pregnant with TWINS. And, here's the kicker, they're due February 14th.
I am SO p.o'd.
I read some posts before where people would talk about being SO angry about someone else being pregnant, and I always thought it was an odd reaction on their part. But now, I totally get it. It's like fate or God or SOMETHING has just slapped me in the face.
And it really hurts.
And all I can think about this woman, big and bright with her unplanned twins, is, "Well SCREW YOU!!!!"
I hope her babies are healthy and happy and safe. I really do. But I am so bitter that they are hers, BOTH HERS, and not mine...
Please let me know that I'm not alone in these thoughts.
Ally, my dear sweet friend! Thank you so much for sharing that my loss affected you. I'm not really sure why and I hope it doesn't come of as offensive, but its almost comforting to know that you and others really felt for my loss and understand the pain, grief and emotion I'm feeling. Thank you hunnie!
I do have to agree with you a bit, that it is REALLY hard to se other pregnant women, especially friends and family members. I find myself just staring at their bellies in longing. Of course a few of my best friends are currently pg or have infants and my sister in law is due next month, so I've done my best to support them and try to make them feel as comfortable as possible about not making me "feel bad' and I've been as normal as possible around them and weep in my own time, in my own place and scream at them in my head about how unfair it is that I don't get to be a mom and that's its totally cruel that I can't finish my pregnancy and bring home a baby to love and watch for hours......sigh....anyways......I DO know that its hard, I have no words of advice on how to cope or get through it, I just want you to know that you are not alone.
I do know that at times, it almost makes me feel better being them and their babies and sometimes it makes me nauseas in self pity, I hope and think thats normal.
Last edited by LauraT; 10-12-2008 at 06:07 PM.
Reason: to remove signature
I totally hear you. A friend of mine called me to tell me that she was pregnant. It wasn't planned, wasn't wanted and she was frightened. She had just broken up with her cheating boyfriend of many years and then found out. For some reason, she thought of me. Me? Hello you stupid moron, I lost my baby and you want to cry on my shoulder about yours? Sigh. If it's God, Fate, or stupid people, every time someone I know gets pregnant or talks about thier kids, I am hurt. I keep it to myself mostly, because it's a stupid selfish feeling but I can't help listing all the reasons I deserve kids more then they do (not that any of the reasons are valid, or that I am any better then any of them). I just can't help my little pity parties. Go with it. It's perfectly normal as far as I'm concerned.
big hugs! Your feelings are so normal. I am feeling much the same way. I was around two newborns and a very pregnant family member today, and well, it sucked. How come I can't have one right now, I should have a babe in arms, and a pregnant belly, and it isn't fair. I judge those who are pg, and how I could be a better mom, not everyone, but some of them, and its not right. I am extremely jealous of those who are announcing pregnancies, I want to be in the stupid club too.
I hope that you can find some comfort here. Hugs and prayers.
I have felt that same way many times. It is totally normal. Right now, to me, pregnant bellies are like a car crash scene - you shouldn't look and stare, but you just can't keep your eyes off. I'm sure people must think I'm incredibly rude, but I do just stare and wish and wonder.
Adding another voice to say that your feelings and thoughts are totally normal.
The very fact that we feel this way reflects how much we loved our babies, and still love them today. And yes, it feels unfair -- it IS unfair! It's royally crappy.
After our first loss, I remember thinking that I could never, ever be happy for any pg person again.
But then a fellow member on this board announced she was pg (after she had 3 angel babies). When she announced her pregnancy, I remember being surprised that I finally felt joy again (yes, mixed with envy) for someone else -- for the first time since before my first m/c. I was relieved! I mean, I thought: "Wow! I can actually feel happy for a pg person again!" [By the way, this woman on the board went on to have a healthy baby -- yay!].
And it's okay that the joy is mixed with envy or even some jealousy -- didn't matter. Why was I happy for her? Because she was someone who had loved and lost babies, and I simply felt that she therefore 'deserved' to have another chance. And that's how I feel everytime somebody on these grief boards announces that they are pregnant -- I am genuinely happy for the people here (and still envious! And that's okay!).
Now here's the "Tool" -- today, whenever I see a pg woman, I actually imagine that maybe, just maybe, she has lost angels (but I just don't know about it, you see). So many, many people don't talk about it. An estimated 1 in 4 women have lost a baby. So it is quite possible that the pg person I see may have very well lost babies, like we did. Like I did. So when I choose to to look at her this way, I can be happy for her too, you see? Honestly, this works!
The only pg women I don't feel happy about are the ones who either complain that the baby is "unplanned", "inconvenient" or even (I shudder) "unwanted". They complain!!!!! (Ugh -- how ungrateful). The others I'm not happy about are the ones who harm their bodies while pregnant -- I just don't understand that (cigarettes, etc), but it's their business (and their conscience), not mine. I'm still working on my feelings about these two groups, I must admit. But as for the rest of them, I just imagine that they have 'loved and lost' too, and then I actually feel glad for them.
I hope this helps. I'm glad you've vented here. It's so healthy to get it out.