Our family went to the house of some friends for a bbq yesterday. They have a swimming pool and we promised Frankie that she could go swimming. I was expecting to see one pregnant woman as my friend Laurel is due beginning of December. What I was not expecting was the eight month old baby, the eleven month old baby, and the lady that was nearly eight months pregnant. I couldn't just up and leave as I had made a promise to my daughter and she was having fun with the older kids that were there. I couldn't bring myself to come close to the babies. I said hello and introduced myself to the pregnant lady and the moms of the babies but then kind of just stayed near the pool or the guys.
I almost lost it when the youngest baby was put into a special floatie and was playing in the pool. She was giggling and all I could think was that I would never get to hear my little man giggle like that. My heart just broke all over again. I know that it has been just a short while (not quite three weeks yet) but the pain was just as fresh as the day that it happened. I am happy for people that have their babies. I would not wish this on anyone. However, I just get so hurt and angry and want to know why I can't have my baby boy?!? I know that I will never have that answer and that makes me even madder.
I am just so lost. I will say that some good came out of yesterday though. After we got home and went through all of the bedtime routines and got the house shut up for the night DH and I talked for a couple of hours. He was actually able to cry a little. For him to cry at all, even a single tear, is a very big deal. We talked about how we are feeling now and how we need to lean on each other to make it through all of this. We talked about all the hopes and the dreams we had had for Damien. We had a very long talk about our memorial tattoos for our beautiful angel. We even talked about another baby like it would be a reality not just a possibility.
Then he pulled out a bass and just started practicing. He hasn't really done that for nearly a year. It always used to be the way that he got things straight in his head and where he went when he needed to just be by himself. It was a good sign that he is letting things out in his own way.
I am proud of myself and my wonderful husband for being able to stay for the sake of our daughter yesterday. When the tears came I just "went to the bathroom". I know that I can and will heal. I will survive I just wish that the pain wasn't so white hot.
If you have gotten all the way to the end of this, I thank you for letting me vent.