Our family went to the house of some friends for a bbq yesterday. They have a swimming pool and we promised Frankie that she could go swimming. I was expecting to see one pregnant woman as my friend Laurel is due beginning of December. What I was not expecting was the eight month old baby, the eleven month old baby, and the lady that was nearly eight months pregnant. I couldn't just up and leave as I had made a promise to my daughter and she was having fun with the older kids that were there. I couldn't bring myself to come close to the babies. I said hello and introduced myself to the pregnant lady and the moms of the babies but then kind of just stayed near the pool or the guys.
I almost lost it when the youngest baby was put into a special floatie and was playing in the pool. She was giggling and all I could think was that I would never get to hear my little man giggle like that. My heart just broke all over again. I know that it has been just a short while (not quite three weeks yet) but the pain was just as fresh as the day that it happened. I am happy for people that have their babies. I would not wish this on anyone. However, I just get so hurt and angry and want to know why I can't have my baby boy?!? I know that I will never have that answer and that makes me even madder.
I am just so lost. I will say that some good came out of yesterday though. After we got home and went through all of the bedtime routines and got the house shut up for the night DH and I talked for a couple of hours. He was actually able to cry a little. For him to cry at all, even a single tear, is a very big deal. We talked about how we are feeling now and how we need to lean on each other to make it through all of this. We talked about all the hopes and the dreams we had had for Damien. We had a very long talk about our memorial tattoos for our beautiful angel. We even talked about another baby like it would be a reality not just a possibility.
Then he pulled out a bass and just started practicing. He hasn't really done that for nearly a year. It always used to be the way that he got things straight in his head and where he went when he needed to just be by himself. It was a good sign that he is letting things out in his own way.
I am proud of myself and my wonderful husband for being able to stay for the sake of our daughter yesterday. When the tears came I just "went to the bathroom". I know that I can and will heal. I will survive I just wish that the pain wasn't so white hot.
If you have gotten all the way to the end of this, I thank you for letting me vent.
Shelly I'm sorry even a year later I get like that. It's not fair that Damien will never get those opprotunities and it's not fair for you, Dh or Frankie either. I'm glad you and Dh talked and were able to discuss your feelings. Men grieve so much differently then we do and sometimes it's hard to understand why they don't cry on the outside like we do.
Wow that must have been hard for you! I remember those same feeling of injustice and i still get them now, just not quite as often. It's especially hard in public because, for me, i didnt want to cry in front of people and sometimes it was just plain hard not to. I got really quite good at swallowing down teh enormous lump in my throat.
It's really great that you think your DH is coping well, and that you are watching out to see that he does. Sometimes it's all too easy to get absorbed on how hard it is for us, it's good that you see his pain too. I swear that loosing Zane definately made out relationship stronger. Once you go through something like this with someone it changes you and you see them in a different light. It just reaffirmed to me how much i love him and that he is perfect for me. I'm thankful that our little boy did that for us.
Anyway, enough waffle about me. Dont worry about the anger. It's all part of your grief, and you will feel it a lot over time. It's not bad or wrong, it's just natural. You didnt get to keep your little guy when you should have done.
Shelly, I give you all the credit in the world for hanging in there for your daughter. And it sounds like you and your DH have a very strong marriage and are so very blessed. Cling to each other and your little girl.
Your post breaks my heart because I have been there...I understand that feeling. We lost our son right before Thanksgiving...it took everything in my power to go have Thanksgiving dinner with my 8 nieces and nephews. I love them dearly though. I am also the family photographer and I remember I didn't take any Christmas photos at that side of the family either...I just didn't have the heart or energy.