Just thinking...and some crazy dreams...nda long)

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flutterby4's picture
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Just thinking...and some crazy dreams...nda long)

This gets a little sad...at least I think...

I feel pretty good today. I felt fairly good a lot lately, but I've also been thinking. Am I the only one who still feels pg sometimes? It is so weird, I have normal HcG levels and everything again, but there are times, I still feel like she's there. I only carried for 10 weeks, it's not like I got to feel movement or anything, but there are times I know good and well that our baby is with me. Then these dreams started...my step-grandmother passed away 2 weeks ago from cancer, my grandmother, who I was closer to than anyone in this world, passed away in 2000 of cancer as well...I started having this dream just after my step-grandma passed where they were both there and my grandmother was holding our baby and I could see just what she looked like and my grandma was telling me that she had her and it would be ok. I've had it a couple times now.
Then Chris had this 'dream' or something a couple weeks ago and it is going to sound crazy. I went into our bedroom to get ready for bed, he was already asleep. One of our dogs jumped up and was barking at the corner of the room, then Chris jumps up out of bed and starts yelling at me 'do you see it, do you see it'...I didn't. Then it all stopped and we were just standing there. He swears there was some kind of soft red light in our bedroom, I really believe the dog saw whatever it was, and Chris swears that something was there. We really didn't talk about it much after. He told a couple guys the next day at work that he saw something and they wanted my version, but didn't mention it after that. Then yesterday on our hike, he was like 'I saw what I saw after it happened, huh?' and I said yes. We both just looked at each other for a minute, held hands and started walking again. See, he doesn't say we had a m/c or lost the baby. There is kind of this unspoken thing, and I know when that is what he is talking about. This has all hit him really hard. I wish I could make him ok, but I can't. We are both better everyday, but just hurts to see this man that I love so much going through this pain and there isn't much I can do. I am learning for myself that having people there is comforting, but the healing you kind of have to do yourself. He has always been the strongest person I know and he can usually accept even the bad and move on and he has seen bad in his life. But there is something about seeing him in so much pain that is almost hurts as much as our loss. He doesn't blame me at all, but I really feel like I let him down and I caused this pain. I couldn't protect our child. I know that isn't the case, but it's a feeling that creeps in when I'm not paying attention. I know that story is crazy, it was probably just one of his ways of coping. I know he had a dream the night after the loss where he was holding her and she smiled at him. He even came up last night and kissed the acorn tattoo he gave me for the baby. I thought I would lose it right there. It was such a special moment for me.

The last thing is, there is this little voice somewhere in my head that every now and again says that I will get pg again and it will be ok, why can't I believe it????????????

I know most of this sounded psychotic, but thanks for listening anyway. I promise we're not totally unstable...:)

Thanks for reading my novel,
Amy

Uropachild's picture
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Honey that does not sound psychotic!

I firmly believe that our dreams are so much more than our brains sorting out information from the day. I believe that our loved ones can come to us in our dreams and communicate with us. I have had a few dreams about people i care about who have passed. Sometimes i also get overwhelmingly clear mental images of them when i am awake and they usually fill me with a good, warm feeling. So i know where you are coming from with that. Smile

As for your husband being the way he is, i know that men cope so differently than we do. As long as you feel he isnt communicating with you when it's important i think you'll be just fine. They have their own way of dealing with things.

:bighug:

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Grrr! It wont let me edit!! I meant to say "As long as you feel he is communicating with you when it's important," not isnt. Sorry. Smile

flutterby4's picture
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I had to read it a couple times, but I thought that's what you meant Smile I think I can probably forgive you this time!!!

:bigarmhug:

Thanks for everything.

Amy

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I wish my loved ones would visit me in my dreams.
It sounds like you and your husband are just handling the lost differently. I don't think you are crazy. You just miss the people you love.

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It doesnt sound psychotic at all. I think it is completely normal to dream about the ones you've loved and lost. :bigarmhug:

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It does not matter how long you carried your baby, we were in love when we saw the second line on the stick. My hsband had a vision of his mom, she passed before I kn ew him, after we lost our first baby. She told him not to worry, that when a mother has an early loss the soul of the baby goes back into her heart to wait to be born again.

L/c ment.....

We lost our first baby in May 2002 at 11 weeks. My LMP was Febuary 27th, and the baby was due December 5th. We ttc for 5 years without success, so we adopted our son Joanthan from Korea. Well, we ended up having two more losses a year after Jonathan came home. Then I got my period on February 28, 2006 and the baby was due December 5th. Alex was born on November 21.

{hugs}

shellyhudson's picture
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Not one word of it sounded psychotic to me. In fact, it was eerily similar to my life. My DH will say that we lost Damien. He just won't go into a lot of detail. He is hurting so much and there is nothing that I can do to make it better. He tries to be strong for me and I feel guilty for needing his strength. I know EXACTLY what you mean about knowing it wasn't your fault but feeling guilty that it happened. I get those thoughts so often. I am gald to hear that you are having good moments. It does my heart good to know that you and your husband have that wonderful acorn on your arm to share in the testament of a love that was taken away too soon. As for the not believing, it will take a lot of healing before your heart and mind will get back on the same page and let you believe. I haven't had Damien tell me that we will have another baby, but I have felt that he wants us to try again. I don't mention that outside of these boards as the one time I did I was looked at like I had an extra nose. Anyway, I just wanted to say yay for good moments. Please let our your feelings here any time that you want/need to. I am sure (as was the case this time) that a lot of us have had or are having the same kinds of emotions.

Shelly