This gets a little sad...at least I think...
I feel pretty good today. I felt fairly good a lot lately, but I've also been thinking. Am I the only one who still feels pg sometimes? It is so weird, I have normal HcG levels and everything again, but there are times, I still feel like she's there. I only carried for 10 weeks, it's not like I got to feel movement or anything, but there are times I know good and well that our baby is with me. Then these dreams started...my step-grandmother passed away 2 weeks ago from cancer, my grandmother, who I was closer to than anyone in this world, passed away in 2000 of cancer as well...I started having this dream just after my step-grandma passed where they were both there and my grandmother was holding our baby and I could see just what she looked like and my grandma was telling me that she had her and it would be ok. I've had it a couple times now.
Then Chris had this 'dream' or something a couple weeks ago and it is going to sound crazy. I went into our bedroom to get ready for bed, he was already asleep. One of our dogs jumped up and was barking at the corner of the room, then Chris jumps up out of bed and starts yelling at me 'do you see it, do you see it'...I didn't. Then it all stopped and we were just standing there. He swears there was some kind of soft red light in our bedroom, I really believe the dog saw whatever it was, and Chris swears that something was there. We really didn't talk about it much after. He told a couple guys the next day at work that he saw something and they wanted my version, but didn't mention it after that. Then yesterday on our hike, he was like 'I saw what I saw after it happened, huh?' and I said yes. We both just looked at each other for a minute, held hands and started walking again. See, he doesn't say we had a m/c or lost the baby. There is kind of this unspoken thing, and I know when that is what he is talking about. This has all hit him really hard. I wish I could make him ok, but I can't. We are both better everyday, but just hurts to see this man that I love so much going through this pain and there isn't much I can do. I am learning for myself that having people there is comforting, but the healing you kind of have to do yourself. He has always been the strongest person I know and he can usually accept even the bad and move on and he has seen bad in his life. But there is something about seeing him in so much pain that is almost hurts as much as our loss. He doesn't blame me at all, but I really feel like I let him down and I caused this pain. I couldn't protect our child. I know that isn't the case, but it's a feeling that creeps in when I'm not paying attention. I know that story is crazy, it was probably just one of his ways of coping. I know he had a dream the night after the loss where he was holding her and she smiled at him. He even came up last night and kissed the acorn tattoo he gave me for the baby. I thought I would lose it right there. It was such a special moment for me.
The last thing is, there is this little voice somewhere in my head that every now and again says that I will get pg again and it will be ok, why can't I believe it????????????
I know most of this sounded psychotic, but thanks for listening anyway. I promise we're not totally unstable...:)
Thanks for reading my novel,