Just a tiny vent...

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flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219
Just a tiny vent...

Hello ladies. I never post here anymore, but something happened today and I just needed somewhere to go and vent. I had to take DSS to CubScouts tonight for this fishing thing and there was a mom I had never seen before. We got to talking and she was saying how lonely her son gets because he only has his older sister. She was saying how they had a middle child who had died and that was why there was such a big gap in their ages. Of course I said how sorry I was for her loss and just listened a bit. I told her how DSS gets lonely too, he doesn't have any sibling, we lost a baby last year. I told her that even though it was a missed m/c it was very hard on us all, especially him. She said "well how far along were you" and I told her 10 weeks. And this woman, says to me..."Oh, mine was full term" in the snottiest most smug tone I've heard in a long time. I couldn't even believe it. I didn't expect some kind of huge hugging tear fest or anything, but I surely didn't expect her to act like that and make it sound like it was nothing. This lady really spoke as if she couldn't believe I mentioned my loss in any comparison to hers. And here I thought we were just having a conversation. Now don't get me wrong...one of the things that I am most grateful for is that I wasn't full term. We saw our baby's heartbeat twice before we found out she was gone and that was bad enough, I can't imagine carrying to full term and going through that. HOWEVER, I don't care if someone told me that they lost a baby when they were 2 days along (you get my point) losing a child is losing a child and it took every ounce of everything I had not to tell her so. I just politely ended the conversation she was obviously having with herself and didn't speak to her again and I don't plan to. It's been 7 months since we lost Kaylie and I think I'm doing really really well. My life is at my new normal and all is going well. Of course I think of her everyday, but I'm healing. I don't know, the most I expected was maybe "I'm sorry for your loss" or even "I'm sure it was hard on him", nothing major, it was just a casual conversation, but it just blew my mind that this lady lost a child and acted as if someone else's loss was nothing. Of all people she should have understood a bit. Sometimes people just really disgust me. Actually, I feel sorry for her though. I'm also grateful that I've moved far enough through my grief to understand that other people have felt similar and I can talk to them, understand their loss and grief, without taking away from it. Freakin ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, ya know. Thanks for listening. I hope everyone is as well as can be expected.

~Amy

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

That would totally piss me off too. You were kind enough to lead her your ear and give her comfort and compassion, but she couldn't do the same for you. That just sucks.
I have had both kinds of losses now, I have lost 2 babies at 6 weeks, 1 at 9 weeks and then Zara during delivery. I can tell you that each loss was horrible for me. I won't say that losing Zara wasn't worse, because it was. BUT in saying that, I recognize a loss when there is a loss. She had no right to treat you like losing your baby was not as important as hers. Some people just have their heads stuck too far up their own a$$es. I'm sorry for that.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

I'm sorry. What a rude woman, yes, I cannot imagine losing a full term baby, but that does not make your grief any less. I have a great friend that I was talking with recently, and she said she was with a group of women at a church meeting, and that one had said she had a miscarriage, and the other woman asked how far along she was, and before the first woman could answer, she said, "I don't even know why I asked that, it doesn't matter, it was a loss." I am glad that some ppl understand that, my two 9wk losses are the worst I know, and that is my grief, I would hate for someone to have a competition with me over whose grief is worse. Sad

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

Your loss of Kaylie is no less than my loss of Damien. I would not have held my tongue in your position. How dare she!!

I am so sorry that you had to deal with someone that assanine. Hugs to you sweetie.

Shelly

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

I so agree with Shelly....no way that I would have held my tongue!! Something eye opening def would have been said back..

The age of a BABY in utero doesn't matter...It is the fact that you lost your baby that does..

Many :bighug: to you...

Marie

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

Thanks girls. I knew you guys would understand and make me feel better Smile It's weird to me because before we lost Kaylie...I would have popped off at the mouth to this lady for much less, but everyone says how much more calm and patient I am with everything these last few months. It's good to hear because I have tried. I guess I just figure the way I avoided her and plan to from now on will hopefully speak for itself, kwim??? I'm a bit nervous that if she talks to me again, I'll end up telling her exactly why I don't want to have any interaction with her, but if she opens that door.....I'll feel justified in my response. I heard a quote a few months ago and now I use it as an attachment to all my e-mails, it says "Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." I think it's obvious that this woman is not getting very far in her grief, she's still fighting and I'm trying to remember that. It also helped that when I told DH about it, he was livid. And he went off for a bit about it. Somehow when it bothers him too, I know I'm not just being sensitive Smile Thanks again ladies. I don't know what I'd do without ya.

~Amy

Joined: 06/10/07
Posts: 1692

I'm so sorry for your loss and that she reacted like that. How awful. I agree - you'd think she'd understand and have acted better than she did. I found out that heartbeat stopped when I was just over 10 weeks and someone had sent my DH and I a sympathy card (all of our other cards were thinking of you) and after that I had checked my email and she emailed me and told me that they had lost a child years ago full term. So I agree she could've at least just said I'm sorry.

Someone posted on p.org before that once you see that pregnant on the digital that's it. You're completely in love with that child and whether something goes wrong at 5, 10 or 20 wks it's nothing but heartbreaking and devastating.

Hugs to you. :bighug:

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

P.S. Shelly~ Your responses always make me smile. Thank you for being here all those months for me(and everyone else). You feeling the way you do about all of this is exactly what makes me love ya so much!!!

~Amy

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I depend on you ladies just as much. I couldn't have made it to where I am now (where ever that may be) emotionally without all of you.

Unlike you, though, I have not come to a Zen place. Quite the opposite. I used to keep my mouth shut on a lot of things to avoid conflict. The only time that I would ever speak up was for my children or if I was pregnant (watch out then). Since my loss, I don't really care what people think and I let 'er rip when I feel it is necessary.

Probably not the right way to handle things, but it is my way for now.

Shelly

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Amy, love your quote, that is great, and good for me to remember!

Joined: 02/06/08
Posts: 3

I am sorry she said that too! I know how losing one 'early' feels, and it is a LOSS of a child, just as a loss of a child at any time is. :bigarmhug: Some people can be so darn insensitive can't they?!

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

I find that it's the people who have been through it too that are the worst. Ignormant people say things like, "it'll happen when it's meant to" and all that. They don't mean anything by it. But the people that have gone through a loss (and this is a terrible thought) lord your pain over you. It's like, welcome to the club of who has dealt with the most. And, you never have. They always had it worse. They say all the hurtfull things. "It wasn't meant to be, there must have been something wrong with the baby or, don't worry, at least you can GET pregnant" but they say it with a smugness. Almost as if they feel a certain release in saying the things that hurt them so much. I know it's terrible, but this is what I've found. Then, they tell you all about thier loss, but not to share and heal, but to make you see how bad it could have been. Thank heaven that I have you girls. That's all I have to say. And, flutterby, I am so sorry for your loss. I was around ten weeks too. I know how you feel.

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

Hugs Amy!

:bigarmhug:

I am sorry that you had to experience that.

Joined: 07/27/06
Posts: 722

I had a loss at 24 weeks and then one also at 8 weeks (after we saw the hb once) and both were heart wrenching...that woman must have felt like her loss was "bigger" because she was further along. Like you said, a loss is no easier no matter how soon or late it happens. Im so sorry she had that attitude with you. Im so glad you were the bigger person....she should be ashamed of herself. You should be proud of yourself for KNOWING she is wrong, but not having to be confrontational about it. I applaud you!

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

Thanks again ladies. You guys really are great. It was weird for me because I have met so many people who have gone through something similar at all different times in pregnancy and this is the very first person to act like this. It kind of caught me off guard because really everyone I've talked to has been great. But oh well, so be it. I hope each and every one of you gets to a point where you find peace and can heal as much as is possible. Much love to all.

~Amy

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