I'm sorry. These days, it seems like I'm only on here to get support - never to give it. I suppose everyone goes through times like that, though.
Yesterday I had an appointment with a new OB to go over my concerns about my miscarriages. Namely, that according to all the studies I've been reading, something was wrong. She didn't seem too impressed by the research I did (I spent hours pouring over medical journals, reading just about every study done on miscarriages after seeing a heartbeat) - she said just what every other doctor has told me, that miscarriages happen all the time, that humans are bad at having babies, and that there was probably nothing wrong with me. Of course, that's just about the opposite of what my research told me.
She was better than the last OB, though. She had a wonderful 'bedside' manner, and she did listen to all of my concerns. She's running three different tests that I haven't had done yet (including a complete thyroid workup - my sister was recently diagnosed with Grave's disease, and thyroid problems can sometimes cause m/c), and I do feel like she wants what's best for me - even if she did dismiss all of my evidence. I felt much better about things when I left her office, feeling like I could finally put all of the stress behind me and just get on with life.
Of course, that didn't last too long. An hour or two after we got home from the appointment, my little sister called. She's pregnant. It was a surprise for them - she's working right now to put her husband through graduate school (money's really tight), so they were not planning on having kids until he was almost done - another three years or so. I know it wasn't easy for her to tell me. The first thing she said to me was something along the lines of "I have something to tell you that's going to be hard for you to hear."
She's five weeks along. I'm glad she told me so soon. I think I would have been really hurt if she'd told my parents without telling me, and this gives me time to get used to the idea. Besides, she said that one of the main reasons she told me was that she knew that I had done so much research into pregnancy and miscarriage, and she didn't know anyone else who could tell her all that she needed to know/do. She knew the day of her last AF, but here's how little she knows about pg - she had no idea how far along that made her. She wanted to ask me how many weeks she was.
Poor thing. She told me that she's scared. I don't blame her. We're so close, people often think we're twins (even though I'm 2 years older). We just have that kind of a relationship. And I'm the only woman she's known really well who has been pregnant. No wonder she's scared - I've miscarried twice in the last 7 months.
I talked to my mom after my sister called them, and she said her first reaction to the news was "Oh no... it's not supposed to happen like this. Harmony's supposed to be first. But I have to be happy; act happy." I felt like that was everyone's reaction to this - including my sister. Everyone wants to be happy for her, but they feel like they can't be happy because of me. That shouldn't make me feel good, but in some strange way it does.
I just don't know how I'm supposed to be so strong, with everything else that's going on besides. My best friend called me about a month ago to tell me that she's due a few weeks after my second due date. My husband's aunt (his mother's younger sister by about 15 years) is expecting her first any day now, and my original due date is only a few weeks away.
It doesn't feel real to me yet. If I'm perfectly honest with myself, I don't want her to have a baby - I really don't - but at the same time, I don't want her to go through a m/c like I did. I just wish she had never gotten pregnant. The way I feel right now, there's just no good solution to it.
DH is having a rough time, too. He doesn't deal with it the same way I do. I cry; he gets bitter and angry. Not angry at a specific person, per se, but more at people in general who 'are fertile as rabbits', who 'don't appreciate their kids', and who 'feel they're entitled to their 2.5 kids, and anything more would be a burden'. He told me that there's a lady at his work that he can't look at without scowling. She's pregnant, and while I don't know the circumstances, apparently she fits the definition of people he's angry at. Poor guy.
Anyway. Like I said before, I'm sorry for being so whiny recently. Some people have things a lot worse than I do. I just wish I could get that through my head and get on with my life. I really wish I could be 100% happy for my sister, instead of the maybe 30% that I am now.
Rest assured-all of your feelings are completely natural, so don't apologize. We all feel that way at one point or another...i found out the day i miscarried that a co-worker was pregnant and when i returned to work i found out another one was! It's something we can't avoid...and of course we have thoughts that cross our mind about people that have tons of kids and can't care for them,etc...i just found out my 19 yr old nephew got his girlfriend pregnant...like you said, i would NEVER want anyone to go through what i've been for, but my first thought was "i bet she will have a healthy baby!" So believe me, i know how you feel. i'm sure we all do. It will be hard with your sister being pregnant, but feel good that she leans on you for advice. Be strong but don't hide your feelings...
As for your doctor, I hope that you get some answers soon. I've done a ton of research too and they all say the same thing...it's nothing we've done. even though we feel like we could've done something, it's hard to have someone tell you otherwise.
I hope you have a good day...thank goodness for boards like this where we can come and vent!
Everything you wrote is quite close to how I felt. It's all normal. We all grieve like this.
And you have every right to be not 100% happy for your sister. My sister has had 2 pregnancies and has two healthy boys....I dont know why I have had losses. One one hand I am so happy she has never experienced this pain, on the other well...I dont wish this pain on anyone, I just wish she understood more.
Please know you are SOOO allowed to come here for support anytime. You dont have to give it....I found in my "earlier days" on this board, all I did was post my problems. I couldnt support anyone back then. Now I try to come here to offer support......
It is so hard to see everyone else get pregnant so easy, especially when it is so hard for some of us. I also understand how it feels to have people tiptoe around us when others get pregnant. Whenever someone close to me gets pregnant it just makes me have such a longing for my own baby.
Don't feel bad about coming here for support...that is what this board is for. It is healing for all of us to have a place like this to come to and post our true feelings. It also helps all of us to know we aren't alone in our feelings. I have felt like you do and just hearing you say it lets me know I'm not alone in how I feel.
Im sorry you have to go through this and so sorry for your losses. I completely understand your feelings. They are totally normal given the situation. My older sister (she is 38, im 26) is TTC no 4 at the moment, and I just know any day now im going to get a call telling me she is pg. I know it sounds silly but I can just feel it coming. I also know it sounds selfish to say, but this was meant to be MY time. Im sure you probably feel that way a little bit too. I only had my d & c on Fri and cant tell you how much I hate the thought of hearing she is pg. Dont beat yourself up about the way you feel, its the way we all would feel. I hope the next few weeks are easy on you, and also hope you get some answers or a BFP really soon.
I don't know if I could even be 30% happy in that situation. As you said, you heard early and that will give you time to get used to the situation. Everything that you have said that you are going through/feeling seems completely fitting for the point in time that you are in. I am sorry that your DH is having a hard time too. Men deal differently. My DH shut everyone out, including me, for nearly two months. He was smart enough to tell people to just leave him be. It takes time and eventually he will find his coping mechansism just as you will.
I am glad to hear that you had a good experience with the new ob even if she did dismiss all of your research. The best thing that you can do is education yourself. I wish you peace, strength, and serenity.
All of the other posters have said everything I could have thought of and more, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now and that your feelings are completely 100% understandable. I could barely even look at my SIL and her two kids after my loss. And I STILL feel that way sometimes, almost two years later.