Loss of my son @ 22 weeks

16 posts / 0 new
Last post
ttcnumber1's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 9 months ago
Joined: 11/01/06
Posts: 14
Loss of my son @ 22 weeks

Hey everyone,
My name is Vanessa and my DH is James and we have been married for 8 yrs this July.

I lost my son Sean Thomas on June 12, 2010 at 5:03 am @ 22 weeks. He was due October 14.

I apparently have a incompentant cervix and when Sean started to weigh more then my cervix could hold it dialated. I had no symptoms of this condition and the doctor checked my cervix quite a few times and it was completely closed.

I went to the dr on Friday because I kept having alot of wetness and a nurse told me I probably was just leaking urine but I just had a bad feeling and wanted to be checked just in case.

My dr checked me and the sac started to protrude from my cervix so he sent me to the hospital. He took me to surgery and tried to push the sac back into my cervix so he could put a stitch in to keep it closed but it did not work so he put me flat on my back in the hospital bed and gave me medicine to slow down Sean's urine production so my sac would shrink enough to hopefully try to re do the procedure Monday ( today).

My water broke Saturday at 10 pm and there was nothing they could do to stop it.
I was in labor with Sean for 7 hours with no pain medicine (besides Demoral but it did not help). He was delivered alive and lived for 1 hour or so. He was only 23 weeks and not developed enough with his lungs and eyes, etc.. so they could not save him. We were able to hold him and he responded to our voice by moving the little he could and they took pictures for us when he was alive. James even said he heard Sean make 3 little cries.

He is the most beautiful baby and we are going to try again once I heal enough. The dr said he will stitch my cervix up at 15 weeks next time I am pregnant so this will not happen again. My dr was so devestated. He held Sean as well and we saw tears in his eyes, he is such a caring man.

We are completely at a loss but seeing him and how perfect and beautiful he is we have to try again.. there is no question in our minds.

~ We had Sean's funeral today and it was so beautiful. I feel some closure but I am still so sad that he is gone and would do anything to have him back. I saw him in his casket wrapped up in the blanket my mother made for him and his little outfit and I had a very hard time leaving. I know he is in heaven with my little sister who died from cancer 2 years ago this November and our first baby that we lost at 8 weeks.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Oh, Vanessa.
I am so truly sorry that you've had to go through this. I am just heartbroken reading your story.

I can't imagine the pain and difficulty in losing your son. I know it is never enough, but I am glad that you got to spend some time with him and take pictures with him as well.

You sound so stable in your post and that will help with your healing process. I know there will be a lot to process and we are here to hear you.

ttcnumber1's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 9 months ago
Joined: 11/01/06
Posts: 14

Honestly I do not feel that stable but thank you. Everyone says I am being strong, but the strength comes from our friends and family that have come to stand by our side and help us.

And I would not make it without my sweet DH. He is my rock and he has held me up the past few days more then I could imagine. We always have been close and have a wonderful open relationship and losing our son has just made that bond unbreakable by anyone or anything.

marymoonu's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 years 9 months ago
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

I posted on the TTCAL board, but just wanted to send my condolences here as well. It is wonderful to hear that you and your DH are a strong support system for each other. :bighug:

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so sorry. I also have an incompetent cervix, and so I know what a surprise it is. I'm so truly sorry for the loss of your baby. It sounds like a really rough few years for your family, I only hope that you can find some peace. Your DH sounds like a terrific guy, I know how scary and emotional draining it can be on both of you.

Sean Thomas is a beautiful name.

deborah74's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 9 months ago
Joined: 12/14/05
Posts: 698

I'm SO sorry for the loss of Sean.

Offline
Last seen: 2 years 8 months ago
Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

I am so very sorry that you lost your sweet Sean. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

youbeme's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 4 months ago
Joined: 07/08/08
Posts: 29

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby Sean.

ashamom27's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 8 months ago
Joined: 07/06/06
Posts: 1010

Oh honey, I am so sorry! I can't imagine the pain you are feeling from losing your beautiful Sean. Your family will be in my thoughts.

ttcnumber1's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 9 months ago
Joined: 11/01/06
Posts: 14

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It will be 7 weeks on Saturday that Sean was born and it is not getting any easier.

The nightmares are still here and they are completely awful. I stay awake as long as I can when I go to bed with my hubby so they won't come.

I quit my job last week because I didn't think I could handle going back to work full time (I hated my job and hated my boss)..I didn't think about the financial side of it and I think I made a bad decision. My DH's dad got so mad at me about it he was telling DH he should divorce me because I am not even trying...DH totally disagrees with him and he loves me and would never leave me, now he is mad at his parents...

Life is a total mess right now (besides having a WONDERFUL husband, puppy dog, and parents who stand 100% by my decisions).. I hope it gets better soon. I try so hard to put a smile on my face when my heart is just broken into pieces inside and my soul feels like it has been ripped from my body.

marymoonu's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 years 9 months ago
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

OMG... So I am sitting here right now feeling PO'ed for you. I can not believe the nerve of your FIL to say something like that after what you've gone through. I sincerely hope that he sees what an insensitive, a-hole comment that was. I'm happy that your DH and your parents (and of course your puppy) understand and support you. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but of course there is nothing anyone can say to fix such a terrible loss. I do hope that day-to-day life gets easier in time. :bighug:

Minx_Kristi's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
Joined: 01/02/09
Posts: 1261

I am so sorry for your loss Sad

xx

MissyJ's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 months 4 weeks ago
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3289

Vanessa,

I'm not sure if you are still checking in but wanted you to know that I have been thinking of you. I know that this week may be hard for you. (((((HUGS))))))

If you can give an update I'd love to hear how you are doing now. This is such a horrible journey to go through and agree with the pp that your FIL simply does not GET IT!

While I fully understand the financial stress, I am still glad that you were able to separate from a job and situation that sounded as if it was not healthy for your emotional well-being plus whatever other strains it was piling on for you. If you haven't found a new position yet, something that you may want to try is reaching out to volunteer with something that you enjoy. Getting out of the house and immersed in something positive can help with the healing process. Let me know if you need suggestions as I'll be happy to help however I can.

Wishing you all the best,

~Missy

ttcnumber1's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 9 months ago
Joined: 11/01/06
Posts: 14

Hey,

I saw your post and decided to reply. This month has been hard emotionally for us, espically the past few weeks since Sean was due Oct 14th. We also lost our first baby at 9 weeks around this time 2 years ago along with my only sibling (my little sister-who I felt like was my child because I was 5 when she was born and we were best friends our entire life) passing from cancer Nov 9, 2 years ago..

I did find a new job on campus where my husband works. I am working the State Chemist office as office assistant and I am in the building right next to my husband's, so we carpool everyday, each lunch together everyday. It is very nice spending more time with him during the day. It also helps because I know he is a building away if I need him!

I am very happy at my new job. Alot less stress (not really much at all) and a very quiet office about 95% of the time.

I am going through physical therapy because I have bursitis in both my hips from being pregnant and having Sean. I see him 2x a week and it is pretty painful but I have already noticed I can stand and walk a little longer them I could before I started PT.

We decided to start trying to get pregnant again; more along the lines of not preventing. I have real good symptoms when I ovulate so that helps.

I will try to check back more often. I have been staying away because I am always tempted to check the Oct 2010 boards and see all those cute babies and knowing I should of been there too.

Offline
Last seen: 4 years 11 months ago
Joined: 11/01/07
Posts: 650

I am so sorry for your loss. :bigarmhug:

Alissa_Sal's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 years 7 months ago
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I am so very sorry for your loss. Reading your story just broke my heart. :bighug:

I'm so glad that you were able to find a job you like close to your hubby. I hope that every day brings you closer to healing, and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I think it's wonderful that you have gotten to the place where you are ready to TTC, and I will keep my fingers crossed that you get your BFP soon.

Many many many hugs.

Alissa