Well, just sharing my story. I realize there are others here with more traumatic stories than mine.
I first found out I was pg with our 3rd on April 10...I got a really super duper faint positive. I knew something was up b/c I was all of a sudden ravenously hungry starting a few days before I tested. Since we hadn't been trying, I waited about a week to tell DH, who was a little upset b/c we were not thinking of having a baby this year...anyway, he got on board after a week and we were getting excited.
I wanted to wait until I was around 6 weeks to see our OB, who does an "early dating u/s" to determine that we have a viable uterine pg. So, we went in on what should have been approx. 6 weeks (Apr. 30) based on when I think I must have ovulated. The first red flag went off for me when she said that it looked like I was only 4 or 5 weeks. I knew that wasn't possible based on when I got that 1st faint pos. No bloodwork that day since I was "too early" to determine a viable pg.
She wanted to see us again in 2 weeks to see if there was a hb and then do bloodwork. We went back and there was a great hb at 156 bpm. Baby had grown and was measuring exactly 7 weeks now (consistent with it measuring approx 5 weeks at our previous appt. 2 weeks earlier), but she was concerned that the gestational sac was too small and that it could be signaling an abnormal pg. My 2nd red flag went off. Given that with my prior pg.s I was never more than a day or two off with dating, the fact that I was off by a whole week and then the small gestational sac, I was pretty worried and on edge. DH was convinced that I was being paranoid and that everything would be fine. Our OB wanted to see us back in 2 weeks to see if the sac had caught up and then do blood work.
I started spotting 4 days before my appointment, so I went in for an u/s. I should have been close to 9 weeks, but we found that baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. Well, 7 wks and 6 days, but I'm rounding up, since baby was only 1 day shy of 8 weeks.
We don't know what caused the problem(s). I chose to use misoprostol b/c I didn't like the idea of my carrying a baby that had ceased to live. We stared for a long time at the baby, looking for any sign of cardiac activity. There was absolutely none.
The OB prepared me for a painful process, "worse than any period" I'd ever had...
I started the misoprostol with vicodin the next day. Even after the 4th and final dose, I still wasn't even hardly bleeding. Definitely not even enough to fill a pad. I was scared and frustrated b/c I'd expected really heavy bleeding and I didn't want things to drag on and on and not have any closure. The cramps and nausea were definitely just as bad as I'd expected.
The next morning right before I started to get out of bed, I passed everything at once.
I ran to the restroom with DH following closely and found that I'd passed the entire gestational sac. It was a little smaller than a ping pong ball. I was scared to look, but knew I'd regret it if I didn't...so I looked. I am glad that I did, b/c I feel that I got closure.
It looked just like the pregnancy book drawings of an 8 wk. old fetus. The eyes weren't weird looking on the side of the head, they had already moved in some and were just these tiny dots. Our baby was a bit thinner and had longer limbs than the robust illustration of an 8 week old fetus in my pg book, but length/size was approx. the same. The spine was still a ridge with a hint of a "tail", but not too alien-like. The head wasn't too bulbous as to look scary. The baby was perfectly flesh toned. So, all in all, not too scary looking. At least I didn't feel scarred from looking at it. To my untrained eye, it looked completely whole and perfect. Obviously there must have been something wrong with it.
I told my mom it was similar to looking at a magic 8 ball in that the sac wasn't entirely transparent, more transluscent. Obviously the liquid isn't dark, but it also wasn't like seeing a baby through a clear "container" and liquid.
So, since then, I've been having the usual rush of hormones after a pg is over which can be hard to deal with even without going through something like this. I still can't believe this happened to us. The process is a lot more painful than I would have imagined. I mean, it is one thing to hear from the Dr. that it will be like the very worst period ever. It's entirely a different thing to be actually dealing with it physically. I feel like I was pretty well prepared emotionally for how I would feel.
I just don't know what this means for my future. I was due Dec. 31...I wonder if I will have a really difficult Christmas this year? Or will I just remember the short pregnancy I had and be grateful?
I still feel pretty emotional and get sad easily...
I'm still having bleeding...I don't know how much longer that should last. It isn't so bad, but at least once a day I'm still having cramping and a good deal of blood.
I'm sure my story is mild compared to a lot of the losses some of you have experienced....just wanted to share my story here as well.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not down play your loss as not being as “traumatic”. We all have trauma from losing a baby or a pregnancy.
I am glad you found some closure and hope that you can begin the healing process.
So sorry to hear about your loss. I think I'll have a difficult time at Christmas this year too. I was due January 11th (1/11/11, I thought it was such a cool EDD), and I sooooo looked forward to visiting family around the holidays while I had a big, cute prego belly. I really will be sad not to have that and all the anticipation of a new addition to our family this year during the holidays....
In some ways, I feel similar to you in that other people have probably been through worse experiences than we have. I was somewhere between 7-8 weeks, and I can't even imagine being farther along in pregnancy, when the baby is old enough to really know if it was a boy/girl, or god forbid making it 40 weeks and having a stillbirth or something horrific like that. But at the same time, you fall in love with the little being inside of you from the moment you learn it's there, you imagine him/her as a part of your life and family, plan for the future, build dreams in your mind... And then to have it ripped from you is traumatic and devastating, regardless of how far along you are. You have every right to grieve, cry, be upset... Whatever emotions come to you, you have the right to feel them.
I think all holidays are hard. Especially christmas with all those cute little baby outfits.
Hang in there ladies, it does get better. Besides, it is a long way to Christmas.
Aw, thanks girls.
Yeah...the emotions are hitting me harder today. I found out that a gal I used to be good friends with is announcing her pregnancy to everyone. I know I shouldn't feel jealous, but I am. I wish her nothing but the best, but I still feel jealousy.
I would love to think that a successful pg would help ease the pain of loss to an extent. I hope I can convince DH of that fact too! This pg was a surprise, so I think it might be difficult to get him on board for ttc.
I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that. I also just miscarried (was due Dec. 25th) at 11 1/2 weeks along, however the baby had only developed to 7-8 weeks. I had the option of a D&C and both DH and I agreed that that would be the best route since nothing had happened after a month. We were not offered any sort of medication to cause it to happen naturally, either we could wait for it to happen that way or have the procedure.
This was our first pregnancy, and we want to try again asap. I'm soooo scared but definitely willing to try again.
^^Ditto!! I couldn't have said it better myself.you fall in love with the little being inside of you from the moment you learn it's there, you imagine him/her as a part of your life and family, plan for the future, build dreams in your mind... And then to have it ripped from you is traumatic and devastating, regardless of how far along you are. You have every right to grieve, cry, be upset... Whatever emotions come to you, you have the right to feel them.
Good luck in your recovery, I am right there with you and I would love people to talk to about this experience as I am still dealing with the loss, feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk.
I completely agree with all the emotions of being pregnant and planning and then one day it's all ripped away. I don't plan on going back to work full time for another few weeks. I just want to give myself the time to heal emotionally and physically now, not later on. I was really upset with my dr. for not giving me any options and not explaining what would happen. I was prepared for the worst case scenario and it wasn't as bad as I thought. All of my expectations and resources were from this website and others. I have a lot of anger towards the medical staff that "treated" me as well as the other emotions we are all dealing with.
I would have been due in Jan. and think xmas will be difficult as well. I am planning a vacation for my husband and I in Jan. (also my bday) to get away and be together. I also am hoping to be pregnant by then, but am terrified of the idea right now. So many emotions and so many reminders. I can't wait for my hormones to level off and then I hope I can think more rational. I'm very thankful for this board so I can vent and know I'm not alone.
What about getting a special "angel" to hang on your tree so she is with your during the holiday.
I have said it before. Medical staff deal with this on a daily basis and I am sure become immune to it in order to protect their well being. Does it make it right, no. But I do not think most are out to intentionally upset you.
Hang in there ladies. Things do get easier with time and talking with others is a great way to cope.