(m/c, loss, preg, & child mentioned) - unexpected

I am new to this specific board but not new to pregnancy.org

Yesterday, I found out I was pregnant. I also found out I was m/c at the same time.

I have a follow up appointment this morning to find out more details.

I have very mixed feelings about all this. I have no idea how I feel. I feel numb - am I in shock?

This is not my first m/c. My first preg ended in a m/c. At 8 weeks - no hb and a D&C at 9 weeks. The first time I was devastated. I cried as soon as the hb was not found. I was completely devastated. It took me a long to heal.

My second pregnancy I carried to term. I have a healthy baby girl about to turn 1 at the beginning of Aug. I had a hard time attaching to this preg., as I think I was scared of another loss. That blissful, innocent, happiness was gone from my first m/c.

Since my baby, I have not been on bc. However, we have not been actively trying. My husband doesn't really want another child and I am undecided (he has 3 and is 40, I have 1 and am 29). We thought we would let nature decide. I have irreg periods and fertility issues, so getting preg is not easy. I was on clomid to have my daughter. I have not had a period in prob 6 months, which is not abnormal for me. I have tested every now and again and it was always neg.

Sunday night I began bleeding excessively with major clotting. I was scared and almost went to the emergency room. I called the dr on Monday morning and got an emergency appt. At that time, she told me I was preg but I was m/c. Since then, I have been very distant and feel detached. My dr, who I have a decent relationship with, says it will hit me later once the shock wears off. I just don't know. I don't know why I don't feel anything. I don't know why I am acting this way. I don't really know how I feel or what I think. I am just kind of here.

The dr told me not to go to work, to stay home and rest but I just can't. I went back to work last night and I am here at work this morning.

I tried to find this bulletin board this morning because I just don't know what to do or what to make of this.

I am sorry for your loss. I must be so hard to go from an emotional high to a low in less then a heart beat. All losses are hard, keep taking things one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel. I had an unexpected pregnancy and loss to, along with infertility. It is like being given a gift you never thought you would have and then cruelly have it ripped away. My heart aches for you. :bigarmhug:

Jennie, I'm so very sorry for your losses. (Your name has stuck with me as I love your precious signature pic.)

I am glad that you have dropped in here for some support. Honestly, your feelings seem somewhat normal to me. While I appreciate that your doc was likely looking out for your physical interests -- as unfortunately, a loss can indeed take a physical toll.. at the same time I can understand your more *emotional* need to stay busy and keep things as normal as possible.

For me, I think that was one thing that I craved.. control over a situation that was anything else than what I desired. Those "little things" -- like how I spent my time - mattered.. taking on a greater importance simply because they *were* within my control. Making the decision to allow things to continue naturally or opting for a D & C also helped. (Each woman and each pregnancy loss is a different situation with no *right* way fitting everyone.)

I think too that you hit on what is most common after someone has suffered a previous loss. There is indeed a hesitancy to become attached... and in some cases, sure there is that wall / barrier that I believe we may put up to offer some protection "just in case". When you are then met with yet another loss, there can then be that emotional trigger that says "see!!!!! I KNEW better!" That doesn't mean that you would not have loved another baby. It certainly is NO indication that something is *wrong* with you emotionally or that your little one was not wanted. Your feelings offer no negative reflections on you at all but more tend to reflect that you have put up that armor or shield to remain as detached as possible. Once you have experienced a loss there is that complete loss of innocence and even in the healthiest of pregnancies there remain those questions / concerns of "what if" until you are holding that precious bundle in your arms.

In time, sure -- you may find that it can be a part of your healing process to mourn this loss and granting yourself permission to do so is OK too. If you don't get to that point right now or for some time (if ever)... again it is OK. Remember - every woman is different.. every pregnancy is different.. and most definitely every loss is different. With that in mind, there just is no "one size fits all" proper way you should be dealing with this news.

Feel free to come back here anytime. It is a place to be open about your feelings (or even the lack thereof.) I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers throughout the coming weeks. Let me know if you need anything.

~Missy (missyj@pregnancy.org)

Thank you for your post. It means a lot to me and makes me feel more normal. Each pregnancy has been different and I seem to react differently each time. I seem to change with each new life experience.

Pregnancy has been such a rollercoaster for me. I never would have predicted things would have been so complicated. I am glad these boards have been here. They have helped from several different aspects of my pregnancy(s) rollercoasters - from losses, to fertility issues, to being pregnant, etc.