Made it through the first week of school. And in insane week it was, beginning with a week and a half ago, when southern california went up in flames (again). This is something that happens pretty much every year, some part of SoCal burns. But the "Station Fire" got very, very close to my home, and Saturday the 29 my area got mandatory evacuation orders that were not lifted until Tuesday the 1st. Since I started school again the 31st, that was a great amount of fun. But I'm home, the poor traumatized kitties are back home, and my place didn't burn down. Yay!
I'm sharing three classes with my ex...we have so far simly ignored the other's existance, not looking at each other, not speaking to one another. I think I said "bless you" to him when he sneezed once. Ingrained reaction to someone sneezing. I feel like I should have said "curse you" instead. This is stupid. Why won't he at least acknowledge what happened and that it hurt? That's all I really want, and is it so much to ask? GRRRRRRRRRRRR
Okay, done venting....I need to go to target and buy a pretty gift bag.
I feel ya. Sometimes I get so petty about stuff with my ex. He told me today that he has 'dated' two people since we broke up. I asked if that was before or after I lost our child and whether he bothered to mention it to either of these people. I got over it cause it really doesn't matter, but sometimes it really does. At least to me. I guess men just deal with grief differently.
Sometimes men just suck. My first m/c, which was 5 years ago, was with a guy I had been dating that I *thought* I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Two weeks after the m/c he not only broke off our relationship and I had to go and cancel the appointment for signing the papers on the house we were going to build, but he immediately took up with another woman. Who he immediately got pregnant and then married. Now they have two kids. Their second was born only a few days before my first.
But here's the kicker. We talked about names when we first found out we were expecting. I liked the name Nicholas and we agreed if we had a boy that's what we'd name him. His brother and SIL continued to be my friends after the fact and discovered they were expecting shortly after I did. My ex and his wife decided if they had a boy they would name him Nicholas. His brother and SIL knew this name came from me and they were expecting their baby first. They both ended up having boys and the brother and his wife named their son Nicholas just so my ex couldn't use the name I had come up with.
The ex and his wife named their next child Tatiana. Which was, ironically, one of my name choice for a girl.
There is just something seriously wrong with some people.
Nah, that works....For most of the summer I was fine, didn't have to see him and I could take the time to heal from all of this on my own. I guess seeing him again, and in a situation where I was already stressed with school starting again and being evaced from my house, kinda just ripped the scab off and started the bleeding again. And my EDD is fast approaching, and I really cannot take that day off. Med students really aren't allowed days off, unless we're in the ER dying. I guess I'm freaking about that, and the fact that that day, September 30, is one of the days that we're in the same classes basically all day. I don't want to face that day, I would really just rather crawl under my bed and hide.
My charming ex is seeing the girl he was dating before me, who he broke up with because she was cheating on him.....what the f*ck did I do? Apparently I'm "too focused" on school (MED STUDENT!!!), and I don't really seem to enjoy sex. Yeah, I mentioned I was raped when I was 16, when your first exposure to something is violence and pain, you generally don't like it very much afterwards. Oh, and he didn't like that we spent most of our nights at his place. Loft bed, twin size mattress.....my bed is not comfy for two, or for sex. Concussions on my ceiling are not romantic. ARRRRGGGGG!!!!!! A very small, petty, mean part of me really wants to have flowers and an "It's a girl!" ballon delivered to his place on my EDD. Probably won't, but a part of me would really like to do that.
I LOVE that smilie! Is it still a smilie when it's a figure bashing another one over the head with a chair?
And it is not really about trying to understand what is going on in his head. He is also a medical student so there must be something up there, but I can't see it. It is about the part of me that got hurt and would really like to poke a sharp stick into his side and make him hurt too...metaphorically. But it would be a waste of money, not to mention the flowers. It might be interesting if he had to explain to his new/old girly though.
I am beginning to believe that I am doomed.... I am determined to just avoid men now. I don't think any of them are good. I think some just manage to behave themselves a little longer than others (or they just don't get caught in whatever act of stupidity they happen to be up to). Of course, since my break-up, I have become the most pessimistic person in the world.
Yeah, I'm taking a break from men. I need to heal. I don't think all men are bad though, my dad is one of the good ones. He's been with my mother for 35 years, and they are still so sweet with each other. They've had their spats, but I can't recall him ever doing anything deliberatly that would hurt her. I guess maybe good men are hard to find, and the sucky ones stick in your mind more.