I noticed that this forum hasn't been used. I seem to fit here, so I thought I would start a thread and see if anyone else followed.
I just suffered my 5th missed pg on the 18th. I'm sitting here recovering from my d & c. I don't know what to do with myself. I have to get use to not being pg anymore.
A little background on me:
I have been married for 14 yrs. I have a dd who is 11 yo. I had no problems with that pg or birth. After that, the wheels fell off the bus. I had an ectopic pg in 2000 and a miscarriage in 2001 at 9 wks. Then I got sick. No one was ever able to determine exactly what was wrong with me. I got treated for lyme disease although none of the lyme tests came back pos. I was on medications for many years so I couldn't take the chance of getting pg. Then, when I was 'released', we tried again and got pg. in 2005. That ended in a chemical pg. I tried the fertility specialist in 2006 and had the same outcome. My marriage was strained after that. We needed a break. My last pg happened when no one was watching - total surprise. It was the most pg I have felt. Had all the symptoms. Honestly, I have felt lousy since getting pg. But I wasn't complaining. I had a slight showing on Sunday and knew something was wrong. I went to the dr. on Monday to confirm. I chose to have the d & c because I couldn't go through doing it on my own again.
I feel cheated, angry, sad, lost. I am 40 yo. I don't know where to go from here. I know I have to get through it - I have dd to take care of. DH has been great, but as many of you know, he doesn't quite understand how I feel. I have to face the world of pg women again and not be a part of it. UGH
I have had a ton of testing done, and so far, there is no reason as to why I can't hold on to a pg. I will be making an appt with my ob to go over options. In the meantime, I have to go for blood work to be sure my numbers are coming back down to zero. (Insult to injury)
If anyone should read this, I was just wondering how you 'moved on'? Did you ttc again, give up, adopt....? I have a couple of months to think about all this. Right now, I'm really confused and upset and depressed. Of course I would love to keep trying, but I'm not sure if I can take it anymore.
I would love to hear what your thought process was.
Last edited by svu6313; 02-20-2008 at 06:34 PM.
Reason: delete sig
I am so sorry. I have been pregnant 5 times. Only once have I carried to term. The last time I became pregnant, I was scared the entire pregnancy. So much so, that now after 2 years, I cannot imagine going through that experience again. I don't have much advice. I haven't really gotten over it. Everytime I see a pregnant person, I am jealous. I am jealous because they can be pregnant and not have 1000 horrible thoughts racing through their head. I hope you will find peace soon.
So sorry to see you here, but glad you've found this board. I was one of the people who requested it. I've had 7 m/cs mixed up with 3 live children. The hardest was trying for my second DD, we were going to give it one last try then just stop and enjoy the one child we had, when I actually styed pregnant.
MinaAriel, I totally identify with those horrible thoughts- I used to find myself thinking horrible things about people I cared about because they stayed pregnant so easily and I didn't.
Im very sorry for your losses. I hate that we have to belong to this board but I was very glad to see a post. I found this board and was so happy but when I got here no one had posted.
To be honest I dont think you ever "get over it." I think with time it may get easier, or I hope it does, but those babies affected us very deeply, even if they were not with us very long. I think what you are experiencing emotionally is normal. I know I felt and still feel the same. I have just had to rely on God to help me get through my losses.
I think it is very different for the men. My dh kept saying that "one of us has to be strong." I dont know why, they dont understand what a lonely experience it is and you would like to see some emotion to know that you are not the only one who cares.
I know it was soo hard for me because I was so overwhelmed by the physical pain through my first loss, and I was mad. I was mad because not only did I have the emotional pain, but the physical pain as well.
Not to mention its never as "real" to everyone else as it is us. I was VERY sick with all 3 babies. It consumes us, it affects every aspect of our lives. We know what day of the week it would be that we would be one week farther along, we are "usually" the only ones who remember the due dates, then once the due date is past you know how old the child would be, it is soo much to deal with.
Its also then hard as you said facing other pregnant people, you really want to be happy for them but its so hard. I feel like everywhere I go theres a pregnant belly staring me in the face. Then if youre like me you feel guilty for feeling that way so it compounds everything.
Anyway I hope you see that your feelings are normal and I will pray that God will comfort you in your time of need. I am very very sorry for you.
Thank you for starting this thread. I'm another who wishes she didn't 'qualify' to be on this board, but sadly I do. My joy: In 2000, I gave birth to a very healthy girl, Emma, after experiencing the most uneventful, "perfect" pregnancy -- I had no idea how blessed I was, at the time.
My sorrow: since then we have tried faithfully to give Emma a younger sibling, but I guess it was just not meant to be: we suffered 4 m/c's within precisely 3 years. My husband and I found it very healing to name all of our angel babies, and we did so with as much thought as we gave to Emma's naming; since we didn't know the sex of each baby, we gave them unisex names we are fond of. We lost Alex on 11 Dec 2002, Sam on 30 March 2004, Max on 30 Aug 2005, and Kim on 11 Dec 2005. Absolutely, utterly, the very worst days of my life. I had a number of tests done, with nothing showing up as the cause of the m/c's -- another blessing, really: to be perfectly healthy.
My ob/gyn diagnosed that my losses were likely caused by my age (I was 38 when we lost Alex) -- that sometimes our eggs are 'too old' -- for this, he says, seems to be the cause of many m/c's at the 8 ~ 10 week mark (when we lost each of our children), especially when there were no other warning signs until that point. All very factual and based on his wealth of knowledge, but not something that a newly grieving (and then repeatedly grieving) mother wants to hear. Is it just me or do these professionals simply not understand? They should have to do a course or two on this subject -- I think -- when studying for their PHd's. Anyway, I'm just venting and getting off course here....
It's now 2 years and 3 months after losing Kim, and we have not conceived since. It still saddens me and I still feel an emotional longing to have another one -- for Emma, for all of us, and (this will sound so ego driven, but I'll say it anyway) for me, so that I can feel "I" succeeded, after all. The 'little girl' inside of me wants to "prove that ob/gyn wrong" -- it sounds so immature to say that, but I'm speaking my truth. I just feel like I failed over and over, eventhough (when I really think about it) I know I didn't fail at anything. It's just crappy, and I just want to hold a baby of ours in my arms again. My husband and I are not interested in IVF (that's such a personal choice, and we also respect people who do opt for it) -- we just feel that if we are meant to have another, we will (that's all).
The grief is immense, and the acceptance is so tough. I did lots of the recommended things to try to shift through my grief -- from creating a memorial to our angels, to seeing a psychologist for grief. But the psychologist elected to never have children, my GP never suffered a pregnancy or post natal loss, and my ob/gyn -- though widely regarded as one of the top ob/gyn's in Australia -- is just so professionally clinical and objective about the whole thing. He told me to go home and hug Emma each time (which I did and it certainly made me feel better) -- he had no other advice: actually, he implied that we should stop trying!! It was clear that these people didn't have a clue what this grief felt like, and I remained angry, lonely, and depressed.
Then, in April 2006, I stumbled across this website and began to participate actively on the m/c and stillbirth loss board. By sharing some helpful ideas and insights where I could (especially to the brave people who write in while still in the throes of their recent loss), and by sharing my 'hard days' too. Doing so made me shift through my grief so much quicker than anything else I tried. As I mentioned, it's still hard -- maybe it always will be --but today, things are so much easier than they were for me in those very dark years between Dec 2002 and Apr 2006. Things are so much better. In fact, I'm no longer consumed by my grief, and most days I am either content or downright happy. All thanks to this wonderful community right here! I am so grateful to all of you.
By the way, I told my psychologist, my GP and my ob/gyn that if they REALLY want to help people shift through this kind of grief, they should recommend something that's actually useful: just tell them to come right here to this website!
Thank you for letting me share my story, thoughts and feelings about this personal journey. It's helped me a lot to get it all down in writing again.
My heart is with all of you: losing one angel is bad enough, but it's so rough to have suffered a series of losses. We are each bravely surviving a truly epic, personal journey. I'm so glad we can all be here for each other, for we truly understand what it's really like. Thanks for being here for me.
Hugs all around,
"Beautiful young people are accidents of nature.
Beautiful older people are works of art."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
I'm so sorry to hear that you guys are here, but i'm glad there was somewhere you can share your stories. mom~2~angels, I agree, I don't think you ever get over it. I was at a friend's house today and she mentioned my amazing family, and all of a sudden I burst into tears, remembering the ones that didn't make it.
Nicole, your story is very moving. Thank you for sharing it. I so wish that nobody had to endure this sort of pain and anguish. On a happier note though- i'm an Aussie too, nice to "meet" another Aussie here, there aren't THAT many of us!
Just found this board and would love to join. (well so to speak )
Very quickly I had been ttc with my ex dh FOUR years when finally got the right insurance to go back to my old ob and he found a 3 cm fibroid RIGHT SMACK IN MY UTERUS. I had been having the faint lines that disappear then get af syndrome. Where I was because my blood never showed it hcg just dropped to 0 quickly.. they kept saying I have bad afs and nothing they can do sent me no my way with MOTRIN.
Well, afs got bad and long until I had to stay home when on it, and take the Motrin as the pain was horrendous. I dont even get af cramps normally.
My ob did an u/s and said this needs to come out yesterday! He went in and it was too close to the bowels so he got a RE to do it and walla got pg with my ds about 6 months later when I started ttc again.
We decided to ttc about a year and a half after we had him and I had an early m/c in March of 2005. Unfortunately, dh changed for the worst and I had to leave him. Worst nightmare of my life, feel like I buried my dh we WERE very close at one time.
I had a good friend like a brother through work we just chatted and laughed, and he caught on that something wasnt right at home even though I tried not to show it. After I finally left dh and he obviously knew at that point we became closer and now we've been "together" going on 2 years. I went to my new ob (my prior ob passed away ) and we start talking about babies and went home and we decided to start ttc sorta relaxed, not full blown and stressful. Well, I got pg that cycle and ended up m/c at 6 weeks June 07. In early Dec 2007 I got pg and unfortunately had another m/c at 9w5d completing it at 10w5 days. That was a very hard one physically and emotionally because with my hpts that were so dark and my blood work etc my growing belly already.. I thought we were good to go. I just recently had a chemical pg I guess.. I had my first post m/c af 2/24 then got a bfp and they never got darker.. but stayed. I only spotted a couple times. I was THREE months late, and now FINALLY got af. I feel relief I just want to move on after all this nightmare. We werent ttc we just werent preventing. I get pg VERY easy.. it's just I cant seem to make em stick. My ds wants a little brother or sister so bad he talks about it all time and that makes it worse for me because now I am not only disappointed but he is wondering why no sibling. I never tell him about the pgs.
Ok thats my book!
I hope all of your dreams come true ladies we so deserve it
hugs looking forward to meeting you
I was glad to find this board as well previously, but noticed there were no post...so it is nice to see some post now. However, it is not nice that there has to be a board for this.
I have had 7 pregnancy losses (over the past 15 years) and all under 9 weeks. Our last loss was July/2007 which we made it to the 9 week mark further than ever before. There has never really been any reason given to why I keep lossing, but with the last time my doctor said there was nothing else he knew to do and my chances of another loss were just as high. So, we have decided to not try again. We are looking into adoption, but haven't done anything major yet...not sure why just waiting for a bit I guess.
I am doing better overall, but I agree with pp that you never get over it. As Mother's Day approaches I feel myself getting sadder, thinking of that day with empty arms. I have read alot about planning ahead on how to handle this day and have decided on some plans for myself to help get through it. I am really hoping my dh will take some time with me as well on this day (however he has to work).
I am glad to have found this board and hope to hang out more with you all. I wish you all a special Mother's Day, however you celebrate it.