Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
You would think that the fear goes away...it never does. Don't get me wrong, as the pregnancy continues, I def have more days filled with joy, less with fear...But just one little thing out of the *norm* and BAM....I am a wreck. I wake this poor little guy up so much sometimes....I hope that he does not get stuck with a sleeping disorder or something!
That said, I try very hard to cherish each moment that I have with my son now..I know (as all of you do) how quickly it can all be ripped away from me....
Very hard to deal with some family members...My IL's think that we have not lost *that* many babies (They don't know the total, just that it is alot..This is the way that we left it with all family members...Just did not want everyone *picking apart* the details) And they (IL's) really do not consider an early loss..that big of a deal...My Mil has not come out and said anything to us directly....but has hinted ....example: my mom said to MIL *well, you do believe that they have had many losses, don't you* MIL's response was, *well, did she have any D&C's??*...Ummmm, yes I did!!! That said, you need a D&C to have a loss?? is she nuts??, She also verbalized her feelings to some other family members....Not to mention the problems that she caused with my family wanting to give me a *shower on wheels* due to the fact that I could not drive to NJ...Mil, and none of her family, took part as she thought it was ludicrous (and spoke to anyone and everyone that would listen to her about why she thought I should not have one for months leading up to it) that I be given a shower if I could not physically be there, and people could not be fed....(just an fyi...I did not want a shower, my mom and sis insisted that Kaden be celebrated...I then said okay) I can't even get into the depth of the mess that was caused as a result of her behavior...Poor dh, he was humiliated...He came very close to never speaking to them again...Things are still very fragile with him/them....I have been banned from speaking to them on the phone (dh's request) till after the baby is, Lord willing, born...As he does not want them giving me any more stress. It is only a matter of time before my dh (it is his mom/dad) blows his stack....He gets so angry when he thinks about the fact that he knows how they really feel....I just tell him that he will accomplish nothing by talking extensively about it with them, as they are the type of people that once they get something into their head, it doesn't matter if you show proof etc...that they are wrong..they will still believe that they are right....odd people to say the least.
Others still keep referring to dh and I being *mom/dad* for the first time Telling us that we only have a little more time before we have to fulfill our *jail sentence* ....Of course my answer to them is, *no, you have it wrong, 9 days till I am out of prison...till I can finally live the life that I have always wanted...till I can raise my son..I can't wait.* ....My SIL (I do love her!) always lets her son cry in the phone...She says *this is what you can expect..better get used to it* ...I say, *I really don't care if my son cries all the time...That to me, those cries will be the sweetest sound* ..Anyway, very frustrating to deal with the comments...I am glad that dh and I live 11 hours from everyone.
I have been getting tons of BH...irregular but more painful..Been losing some of my mucous plug...And as of 9 days ago I was over 50% effaced and 1 and a half centimeters dilated. I go in for another NST/cervical check this Monday. I am hoping that more progress has been made...that Kaden may come on his own as I would like to avoid the induction that I will need on January 21st due to the gestational diabetes..
My biggest fear?? still birth...I am horrified of something happening during delivery. I want to deliver naturally if at all possible (can't avoid the induction on the 21st if needed...pitocin...But I can avoid an epidural at least) as some of these drugs that are used will lessen the oxygen to the baby (epi's and pitocin...I research way to much)
To sum it up, I am very excited to meet my lo....But scared at the same time that something will go wrong..
Keep me in your thoughts everyone!!! It is going to be a long 9 days if I have to wait it out..
Last edited by mom@41; 01-12-2008 at 09:58 AM.
Oh thanks for the update Marie. I am so happy that you are finally getting your son. I wish you could have a worry free pregnancy, but I certainly understand why you are hesitant to be worry free. Sad, really. But, ITOH, it certainly makes pregnancy more joyful instead of full of complaints when you really know what it is like to lose a pregnancy. After my own loss, I know I will never complain about nausea, backaches, headaches, food aversions, you name it, I want it!!
Sorry you ILs aren't great, but I am realizing not many people think their ILs are anything less than crazy. I hope something happens and they will come around. It's definitely difficult when people just don't understand. And someone who has not experienced loss ALWAYS minimizes it.
And Marie, I hope you can avoid that induction too, because Pit contractions are not the funnest, and it's very hard to avoid an epi. Do you have plans to help you avoid unneccessary interventions? When you get induced, sometimes they just assume you are up for anything and do things like rupture your membranes without consent (BTDT). Anyway, good luck!!! I am looking forward to reading your birth story very much.
It's so hard to celebrate my BFF who just had a baby, and yet I find it so easy to celebrate for someone who has been through loss.
Thanks for the update, Marie. Lurking here over the past couple months, you are one of the posters who has amazed me with generosity of time and spirit to the women who come here in need. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and that I hope things work out for you and the little one on the way. As someone who has personal experience with extremely difficult ILs, I hope you will try and remember that this is definitely a time to put yourself and the baby first. You don't need to subject yourself to people who are incapable of empathizing with other people's experiences. Keep us posted, and try to be kind to yourself with your various emotions in this final stretch.
Holy cow!!! I new that you were close, but I didn't realize it was that close. I am so excited for you. I can totally relate to your fear of stillbirth. After all, that is what brought me here. Unfortunately we are all here because of loss. I am just thankful that you are being blessed with the earth angel that you so much deserve. Your husband sounds like a truly wonderful man. It is great to hear that he is so caring and protective. As for the IL's I am sorry that you have to deal with that kind of insensitivity. You are so very right about people being a certain way and just having to accept that the situation will not change no matter how much you may desire it to. I applaud your decision to go for a med free birth. I will say this, however, please do not feel as if you have failed yourself or Kaden if you change your mind. Just go with the situation and do what you feel is best for you and that gorgeous boy. I went med free with the first two. I wanted to have the epi with the second but was already way too far along to do that. With Damien, meds were unavoidable. I am really looking forward to hearing your birth story and seeing you and your little one. I wish you a speedy labor and I know that you will have a happy baby as he is surrounded by so very much love. Take care and pamper yourself while you can. I know that you will love every moment of having that baby around but you deserve a little "princess treatment" right now.
Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
Thanks for all the well wishes ladies...Little change in plans though..I copied/pasted my update..
Please pray that all goes okay??
Warning: Preg-ment below!!!!
Just wanted to update everyone. I went in for my NST/biophysical today. Doc said all looked wonderful, with the exception of two-three dips in Kadens heartrate (I think it went from 150's-170's down to 102 a few times) So, he sent me in for the bio to see if they could find the reason..and they could not. All seemed to look wonderful with Kaden (no cord that could be seen around his neck...plenty of amnio fluid). My doc said that he is not comfortable not having an answer for the dips....and that because I have gestational diabetes..the problems that can go with that...that he does not want to *roll the dice* so to say by waiting till the 21st..That he would rather I go in tomorrow.
He said that I am 2cm dilated and 70% effaced..so, I am favorable for induction. I am not happy at all about having to go through with the induction...was really hoping that Kaden would have the rest of this week to come on his own....But I am also no comfortable with waiting till the 21st now, knowing my doc is concerned about not having the answers for the few heart rate drops.........so, I suppose induction it is...
My doc said that if he noticed any signs of distress at all (especially due to not knowing the cause of why the heart dropped the few times that it did today) that he would do an emergency c-section..
I won't be on the boards much for the rest of the day...just here and there on occasion...I have some things to get done around the house. I have to be down town by 7am tomorrow morning, so..I will be leaving around 5:45am (try to avoid rush hour)
Please send prayers my way!!!! I wish the few heart dips that Kaden had today were not part of the reason for the induction....Wish I did not have to have that on my mind as well..
I will see if my dh can update periodically tomorrow, if I can't..
As an aside: My mom ended up in the hospital for a stay over night yesterday....She has CAD and has a stint in (4 years ago) ....They released her today, but said that she has to go in for a stress test this Thursday. If she fails she will go in and have her heart injected with a dye to see if her stint is failing, or if another artery is giving her a problem...If this ends up being the case she will need angioplasty again...So, please keep her in your thoughts!
My bil had a car accident this morning, but he is okay....no broken bones, thank goodness..