This is my first time really talking about it at all. It happened so fast. I found out I was pregnant on a Monday in June, called the doc, went for an early ultrasound the next day (no fetal heartbeat) and then they scheduled a procedure for the following day. By wednesday afternoon it was over. I wept in the car on the way home but not since. My son's 4th birthday party was the following tuesday, we didn't tell anyone.
I was doing okay, keeping the home running smoothly, etc., with summer plans and graduations and all that. then last weekend I was very irritable andupset and realized it was my grief. That I was angry that no one was acknowledging my loss, my sadness, or even THAT I REALLY WANTED THAT BABY. One of the 3 friends i told, has minimized it, saying that is is less stress to have lost the baby than to have another child. But I really want more kids. My health is poor, I have severe permanent disability that makes pregnancy life threatening and soooo difficult (not being able to take meds, losing mobility as I get bigger, etc.) and yet, I want another one.
I am 40 and the thought keeps in my head, it could be my last chance.
Maybe I am having mixed feelings because it is so tough on me to carry a pregnancy to term. yet the payoff is so great.
My husband thinks I could use some therapy, I think some advice and support from women -maybe here- could be very useful.
thanks for 'listening'. I just really have a lot of feelings and am sort of suprised how deeply I wanted that baby; how maybe I need to reconsider everything and do all I can to try again????? but I have a lot to lose if a new pg goes badly, if it destroys my health or causes a stroke (possible outcomes) so I am confused.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have found that people don't understand the pain that goes with having a miscarriage. I remember myself saying to a friend (about another friend) that had lost a baby at 6 weeks oh well she really was not even pregnant, but now that I have had 2 miscarriages I understand how wrong that statement is. There is so much excitment and hope when you find out your pregant no matter how short the pregnancy is.
My husband also thought I need some thearpy I did not go, I really did not thinking talking to a stranger would help me. The main problem that I had was no one that knew about the miscarriage would even call to check on me or even chat, I guess no none knew what to say. So once we had the 2nd miscarriage I only told one person and even told her how hard it was to go through again and even broke down on the phone and she has not even called to check on me. So i lurk on this boad and sometimes post.
It sounds as if it would be difficult for you to have more children so take time to heal and then you will know what is best for you.
Take comfort in your child that is what has really helped me, I have a 4 year old and almost 2 year old and they can really brighten the day!
Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
I am so sorry for your loss
It seems as if in *some* situations, telling people can be more of a burden to carry, than anything else....I have told no one, with the exception of the wonderful ladies on preg.org (and my doctors!) about all my losses...I am so sorry your friends have not been more supportive...
I know the feeling you are having.....I am 42...this is what has kept me going...knowing that my time for children is nearing an end.....I have no live children yet (PREG-MENT) ....well, with the exception of the one in me now......That said, I do know the urgency you are feeling, due to age...
I don't feel living with regrets will make you a happy person. I also wanted to note that it is completely normal to desire a child right after a loss..... That said, I think you need to go talk to some specialists, regarding your health, and pregnancy....Really weight the pro's and con's out...as you do have 2 other children to consider. I think then, with a little bit of time passing to heal a bit emotionally...You will have a better idea as to what to do about ttc again.....
I am thinking of you....I know this decision is a big one....a very difficult one to make
thanks for the replies. Mostly I think that I need to have some outlet for me feelings, like posting here with the great, non-judgemental attitudes here at pg.org; and to take good care of my body. And to spend a couple of months deciding if I am willing to go through TTC (last time with my only child it was almost 3 years which is its own drama and sadness festival).
I'll be lurking and posting from time to time here for a while.
I am so sorry for your loss. My circumstances are slightly different, but i know that urge to have a baby and i know that it seems to block out anything else. I dont think you are unreasonable to want to try again, in fact i dare say i might feel the same as you in your position. How can we try to fight the strongest primal human desire to procreate!
Please do come back and post here whenever you feel you need to. I love this board so much and it has helped me through so much sadness.
Some people believe that journalling, if you read it afterwards it helps even more. I'm not sure if I'm doing enough...daily life is taking my time - today I had to spend 5 hours at the auto mechanic for my van for example. But I am trying to find time to really think about things and make my peace with having just one child, even though I will always miss another.
Is it better, or worse, to give a name to a mis-carried baby?? first trimester loss is not as bad, for me, as a later one, but I had already thought of a few names. Just wondering if it seems to make it sadder, to think of the baby in terms of a specific name????