My friend had a baby today (pg/child ment)

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My friend had a baby today (pg/child ment)

A close friend had her little girl today (she has two sons). While I am of course happy for her, wow, I did not know I would take it this hard. I have been trying to prepare myself, and still. Sad I should have a 5 month old baby right now, and I should have also just found out what I was having. This is just not fair. My heart just hurts. I need to go see her and the baby probably today, so pray for some strength for me. I have so few ppl that I can actually talk to about this stuff, my dh and my sister, everyone else, it just doesn't go over well, cause they just don't get it. Thanks for letting me vent. Sad

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It seems like everyone is having babies doesn't it? I know how you feel. Good luck.

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Sending you tons of strength for today, Rachel.

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

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Sending you strength! Good luck, I know you are happy for her, but sad for yourself and this is perfectly normal, even to be jealous is completely normal. DH and I went to the mountains to get away, we decided to go the hot springs and as I walk into the changing room I had to walk through FOUR women holding newborns! It felt like a knife to the heart, I am sure walking in to your friend happily holding her newborn will feel much the same. Here's hoping it goes better than you expect.

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Another from Nicole's Tool Box....

Yes, that's a real tough one: when someone else has a baby, it triggers our grief in a big way. I remember it well, and it lasted for a long time with me.

But this board showed me the way out of that misery. Well, the way that worked for me, and I hope it will for you and everyone else here. It's simple really.

You see, I remember when someone HERE was pregnant -- how we cheered her on! -- and then she had a healthy baby. And then -- for the first time in a very long time -- I actually felt genuine happiness for someone else again at the time of their child's birth. I was so relieved to discover that I was actually still capable of feeling that way again. It was a turning point for me -- because I truly felt that this lovely woman (on the board) got what she so richly deserved.

So Nicole's Tool Box (of coping strategies) opens again...

Then I thought about the horrible statistics: that pregnancy and infant loss happens far more often than most people realize. I've read that 1 in every 4 women has lost a baby. So 1 in every 4 that I see on the sidewalk has actually gone through what I have -- but nobody talks openly about it! It's crazy!!! But I decided to use this 'insane' fact as my very rational tool to overcome this hurdle. Let me explain...

I decided from that point on that whenever I saw pregnant women or new babies, I would actively CHOOSE to believe that MAYBE THEY had lost a baby too (they could easily be the 1 in 4, and I wouldn't know it, right?). Since I was genuinely happy for those who had lost babies but went on to have healthy ones... I decided it was much better for me (emotionally) to apply the same thoughts to people I saw around me.

Now I know that this belief would not ALWAYS be true, but it WOULD be often enough (tragically) and it helped me, which is what matters here -- US getting better. Does this make sense? Since most people don't talk about their lost babies, well...it stands to reason that it happens in our surrounding communities far more often than we might imagine.

Today I am still most thrilled for the expecting women -- and then moms -- among us here on the board. Much more than I am for anyone else. But today I can actually look at the babies of others and actually enjoy them. But this did take a long time, I'm sorry to say. But it did eventually happen, and has stayed that way, because of what I decided to believe. Happiness truly is a choice.

And you're right, Rachel: other people don't understand how long and hard our grief is. Please don't expect them to understand -- "we don't know what we don't know"... The important thing is that you have us -- WE understand and are here for each other -- we're here for you, and I'm glad you vented here. I'm glad you're here.

Sorry this is long -- it's been a while for one of my novels! I hope it helps.

Great big bear hugs,
Nicole

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Thanks for the support ladies. It was just too much for me, and I did not go see her and the baby yesterday, cause I was just not up for it. I may try today, depends on what all we get done. But I really appreciate your words of strength for me.

My friend has actually had 1 m/c and one chemical pregnancy. I think it is even harder for me because of some insensitive comments she has made, knowing of my two fairly recent losses. A few weeks ago she was helping me pick up my kids' room, and said, "At least you can still bend over" as some sick way that that would make me feel better about not being pregnant. Thankfully my brain worked quickly, and I said, "I think I would rather have your problem, and you would too." But it really cut me, hard. I cried for a few days over it. Then last week when we were talking on the phone I was talking about watching videos from when my kids were babies, and saying that I needed another one of those, and she said, "Well, mine will be here soon for you to hold." But hearing the tone, it was weird, and I just said, "It's not the same, I appreciate the offer, but it is NOT the same." I had to go on to explain to her that I am just not interested in holding babies at this time. I do not begrduge anyone that has one, I am truly happy for them, but I am just sad for myself, and do not want to hold them, ask about them, etc. She was quite surprised, but I am kind of glad we had the conversation, because I do not want her pushing her baby on me that I am not ready to hold. I may decide to hold her, but I want her to not keep offering either.

Augh, just typing this gets me going again. Sad

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Sounds like you handled her insensitivity very well, Rachel. You've got great 'boundaries'.

Big hugs,
Nicole

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well, we visited last night. Originally I had planned to maybe go by myself, but then the more I thought about it, I knew I needed the distraction of my kids and support of my husband. It went fine, I had waves of sadness holding her, but guess that just comes with the territory. One more thing to say I made it through, that is the first baby I have held in over a year!

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Glad you made it through, Rachel. Sorry for the insensitivity you've been encountering with her. :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

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Child ment

I feel your pain. I was watching my BF son while she was in the hospital having her second.
We went to see her thenext day and held the baby. I was OK until we started to drive away and I saw tons of PG women outside a clinic smoking. I lost it, we went to lunch and I got trashed.

Child ment:

However, little did I know thousands of miles away some women in Korea was in labor with my son. My BF son was born 7/26 and my son was born 7/28, with time difference it was hours apart. My son came home in April 2005.

I totally feel your pain. I know you have been told a zillion of times that it will happen, but have faith. God is waiting for the PERFECT angel to become available to send down from heaven to you.

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Rachel I feel the same way. We both should be carrying 5 month olds and just finding out what it is. I cant see other babies without getting sad. I went in to the baby section 2 weeks ago and still cant handle it. I am happy for others but sad at the same time. I wish you well and cant wait to see a bfp.

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thanks rebecca. It just sucks. I hope we are both seeing bfps soon!

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Missy, that is so awesome! Thanks for sharing your heartwarming story with me!

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Rachel I recently had another BFP. I am not gearing up for the excitement yet. I am happy but not able to all out celebrate. We were going to start actively ttc next month but werent preventing this month. I hope it happens soo for you. My m/c has been so hard that this pg is not easy.

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Congrats Rebecca. I get not wanting to get your hopes up, but being excited too! I am sending all the sticky vibes I can muster! Yeah, I think the next time around I am going to be even more of a nervous wreck than last time. 2 m/c in 9mo is not good for the mental state. Sad

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You did great Rachel! Much better than I would have. I lost it completely 2 weeks ago when I found newborn clothes from DS in my closet. Then last night at Target there was a brand new tiny little baby girl crying in her carseat while I was looking at clothes. I can't imagine holding a friend's baby right now:(

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thanks alyson, I managed it, but a few months ago, I don't think I would have at all. Time is a healer of sorts. Hugs to you!

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